I was not the coolest kid. I can prove it. True story:

I was on the brink of starting high school after our family moved to the city. I stepped into a church van with guys from my new youth group, prepped to blend in. Twenty minutes in, we were belting out the lyrics to Rascal Flat’s Life is a Highway, our hands turning imaginary steering wheels in unison with the chorus. It was a new song for me, but I was a quick study. The windows were down. The music was loud. I was one of the guys. I got this!

If I was holding my own with songs I didn’t know, I’d be doing great with one I did!

So I scanned my mental jukebox for a song to show off with, in my best key with words I knew. I found one that fit the bill: Sandi Patty’s Via Dolorosa. It was a hit at the country church where I had been an out of touch preacher’s kid. 

Life is a Highway ended. I held my breath for a second, then filled the van with my best Sandi Patty.

It was a proud moment… until the blank stares.

I suddenly felt like Wiley Coyote running mid-air off a cliff and realizing there was no ground beneath him. I raised a white flag and cut the verse short.

“Dude, what was that?” I heard.

Oops. 

I added a new rule to my list for acceptance by guys: No sad songs by female Christian artists. 

A SETUP FOR FAILURE

Here are some other rules I had to check off before being confident around guys:

• Be strong and handsome. 
• Always know what to say.
• Be confident with women.
• Don’t ask questions I should know the answer to. 
• Don’t have problems.
• Don’t be romantically or sexually attracted to men.
• Don’t get picked last. 
• Don’t get hit in the head by a basketball during practice (again). 

I made up all those rules. Sure, they may have been influenced by the media, personal experiences, or my own interpretations of others’ comments, but I was the one who had cemented them into law and diligently abided by them. It never occurred to me that I could change them.

REWRITE THE RULES

I decided I could choose to confidently walk into a room of men without any prerequisites. I could believe I belonged there as is. I had something to offer, even if I was clueless about sports, never dated a girl, had a crush on one of the guys, was abused as a kid, or had no idea what songs to sing on a road trip. I could choose to enjoy the moment, appreciate it, and be authentic. And if they required something more, it was on them. Their loss. 

We make up plenty of rules that cause misery. Here are a few examples, along with turnarounds focusing on what can be controlled. 

• “I’m popular when my follower count on Instagram exceeds a thousand.” New rule: “I’m popular when I care deeply for other people.”
• “I’m successful at work when I get a promotion.” New rule: “I’m successful when I show up as my best self and consistently add value.”
• “I’ll know I’m a man when I find a woman who will share her life with me.” New rule: “A true man is a giver. My opportunities to give are endless.”

What are some of your rules? Where did they come from? Are they giving you energy and moving you toward your goals? Which ones do you need to rewrite? 

Don’t make life harder than it needs to be. Take charge of your rules to set yourself up to succeed.

But it never hurts to learn new songs!