Here’s an idea that’s been growing in me for a while — something I’ve lived and wrestled with, and something I believe can change the way you see yourself as a man.

I call it Participating in Masculinity.

Because masculinity isn’t just something you possess. It’s something you participate in. Something you belong to. Something you enjoy.

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Masculinity Is Both In You and Around You

For a long time, I believed masculinity was something I had to earn. A checklist I had to complete. A standard I had to meet before I could even call myself a man.

Maybe you’ve felt that too.

“If I’m not as strong as other men…”
“If I’m not in a leadership position…”
“If I’m not married…”
“If I’m not sexual with women…”
“If I’m not confident, or tall, or put together…”

Then maybe I’m not quite a man yet.

But here’s what I’ve learned: Masculinity is not a scoreboard; it’s a shared identity. It’s not something you qualify for; it’s a birthright..

And every man — young or old, strong or weak, single or married — participates in the same masculine identity, even if we express it differently.

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Masculinity Shows Up in Different Ways

Masculinity is unbelievably diverse.

Sometimes it’s physical strength.
Sometimes it’s leadership.
Sometimes it’s creativity.
Sometimes it’s protection, tenderness, wisdom, humor, courage, or care.

And we all embody these at different levels at different times. A boy is less physically strong than a grown man, but he is no less masculine. An old man may no longer lift what he once could, but he is no less a man. A man may choose not to lead publicly, but he still reflects leadership in how he shows up.

We can feel connected to every masculine trait, even if some show up in us more strongly than others.

If a boy believes, “I’m not strong like him, so I’m not a man,” he will hold his breath. He will shrink. He will refuse to express the masculinity he has.

But if that boy sees the strength of a grown man and thinks, “That strength is part of my identity too — I just don’t possess it yet,” then he gets to breathe. He gets to grow. He gets to participate.

When my son Lane and I are at the pool, he doesn’t shrink when he looks at my body that is larger than his. He enjoys my strength and enjoys his own. He believes, “I’m like Dad, and Dad’s like me.” I get to throw him high in the air, and he gets to fly.

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The Tragedy of Opting Out

But me? For years, I had a list of requirements I had to meet before I could consider myself a man. And because I never met my list, I couldn’t receive the positive ways other men saw me.

If a man respected me, I dismissed it.
If he welcomed me, I assumed he didn’t really know me.
If he saw strength or leadership in me, I minimized it.

I couldn’t participate in the beautiful world of men because I lived out of the belief I was disqualified. And the tragedy wasn’t believing I wasn’t man enough. The deepest tragedy was believing I didn’t belong among men at all.

And while some guys noticed my doubt and treated me poorly or labeled me in response, I believe it made many guys confused — because from their perspective, of course I belonged. They saw me as one of them, even when I couldn’t see it myself.

I had simply opted out. Believing I belonged didn’t feel true. It was uncomfortable. Striving gave me a sense of control.

But I was missing out on so much.

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The Shared Experience of Masculinity

One of the most beautiful realities about being a man is this: Other men reflect your masculinity back to you.

A strong man experiences his strength from inside his own body. But you get to watch that strength. You get to see how he moves, how he carries weight, how he takes up space.

And seeing that is good for us. It can inspire us. It reminds us of who we are — of our strength, leadership, creativity, protection, courage, and care.

The masculine traits in others don’t diminish you — they reveal you.

When you let another man’s strength remind you of your own strength…
When you let his leadership invite you into your own leadership…
When you let his creativity spark yours…

Every time we act out a masculine trait — courage, creativity, discipline, protection, tenderness, strength, leadership, responsibility, and others — we’re stepping into the shared masculine story God has woven through all men.

What We Actually Want as Men

And here is what I believe every man wants:

Every man longs to feel strong, capable, influential, creative, fruitful, present, and alive.

And the truth is: you can feel all of those things, no matter your season of life.

You don’t need a title to feel like a leader.
You don’t need a certain body type to feel strong.
You don’t need a relationship to feel protective or fruitful.
You don’t need validation to feel capable.

You simply need to participate in what is already yours. To believe that you carry the same masculine identity every other man carries. To let the men around you expand what is already true of you. To stop shrinking when someone else’s strengths show up. To let them lift you into a bigger story rather than a smaller one.

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When You’ve Been Told You Don’t Belong 

For some of you, the idea of participating in masculinity feels almost out of reach — not because you doubted yourself, but because someone else told you that you didn’t belong.

Maybe a coach said you weren’t tough enough.
Maybe a dad or brother joked that you weren’t “man” enough, or chose to spend time with other boys instead of you.
Maybe a friend labeled you, excluded you, or used your differences against you.

When black hairs started sprouting on my upper lip, I went to my dad and said, “Hey Dad, I’m getting a mustache!” Without showing interest, he said, “No, that’s just peach fuzz.” What I heard was “I will always be a boy, never a man.”

If you have been told you weren’t a man or that you didn’t belong, hear me clearly:

They were wrong.

Because masculinity isn’t something other men get to grant you or take from you. Your masculinity was woven into you by God Himself — long before anyone else had an opinion about you. No one gets to revoke what God wove into your identity. No one gets to tell a man he’s not a man.

Even if someone tried to push you out… you never actually stopped belonging.

You may have withdrawn.
You may have hidden.
You may have questioned yourself.

But you never lost what was already yours.

I invite you to reclaim that truth — not by fighting your way in, not by performing, not by proving anything, like I tried to do — but by taking action from what was always yours to begin with.

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You Belong in the World of Men

Here’s what I want you to take away:

Masculinity is both something you possess… and something you can enjoy being a part of.

You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to wait for it.
You don’t have to prove it.

You simply get to participate.

So, choose to let other men inspire you and remind you of your own power. Collaborate with other men to make the world better. Walk confidently as you participate in the shared gift of masculinity.

Lastly, I want you to know you aren’t defined by the story about masculinity you’ve believed. You are defined by the One who calls you His, and He wants you to enjoy the masculine experience He created for you to thrive in.

You’ve got this — because God’s got you.

if you’re ready to go deeper into identity, attraction, and becoming the man God’s calling you to be, join my next Own Your Identity coaching group. Learn more at ownyouridentitynow.com and book a free coaching call to apply.