Dear Younger Me,

I was asked to write a letter to you, Kenny, and I hope you will hear and receive my words.

Kenny, I look back and see how lonely and afraid you were during most of your childhood. Both of your parents worked outside the home, leaving your grandmother or older sister to babysit you. Your sister resented it. You often felt rejected and alone in your home, and I feel so sad for you. I totally understand how you would create a fantasy world of your own for so many years.

Your father, Daddy, was emotionally vacant and disengaged from the world, including you. Please know this wasn’t about you. It was about him and his woundedness. He was incapable of connecting with you and left you to deal with life on your own. YOU DESERVED A FATHER WHO WOULD GUIDE YOU, HUG YOU, READ TO YOU, AND PLAY WITH YOU. You also needed his protection. Kenny, I want to be here for you in ways that Daddy could not.

Ages 4, 11, and 12 through 15 stand out as I write to you. Those years were especially wounding, and I still think about you going through such painful times alone. About age four you began to experience Mother’s rage and punishment for innocent mistakes. You were understandably afraid of her.

At age eleven, you became addicted to pornography, thanks to your brother-in-law’s stash of Playboy magazines. Kenny, you should have NEVER been exposed to sexuality in that way, and you should have NEVER experienced the shame and isolation when that person told Mother. I am so sad and sorry this happened to you, Kenny. Porn and masturbation became a way to cope with your loneliness and curiosity.

In your early teens, you faced almost daily trauma from male peers at school who bullied you relentlessly. I remember it well, and you and I share much pain around this. Where was your protection? Who did you have to talk with? You dealt with this alone as well. I’m sorry. Yes, God was with you through all these years, but His design was for parents and family to provide protection and comfort. Your parents were too emotionally crippled to be available for you. God seemed so distant, like Daddy.

Kenny, I want you to know that I have, and continue to, seek help to offer you the protection and healing you need from these wounds.

Most traumatic was Mother’s night terrors that occurred countless times from age six until you left for college. Those terrifying nights when she would wake you up with screams, yelling that she was dying. Daddy was incapable of caring for her, leaving you to jump out of bed with a burst of adrenaline to ensure she recovered.

These night terrors would happen after midnight and last an hour or more until she finally calmed down. Who was there for YOU?  You had to get up the next morning and head to school very tired and traumatized – day after day after day. Mother needed psychiatric help and counseling but was too proud to get it. This was about HER, not YOU! These traumas set you on a road to fear women. You also grew to disrespect and resent men while simultaneously longing for their attention and affection.

Kenny, you did not choose your unwanted attractions for men. You did not choose to be introduced to sex through porn and shame. You did not choose to be emotionally abandoned by your father or bullied at school. And you certainly did not choose to be awakened in terror and fear for your mother’s life those countless nights. Yet – you survived. And you will come to THRIVE as you seek the help that your parents never did.

You will meet the most astounding woman who will give you a picture of God’s grace and mercy throughout your adult life. God will show up as you father four beautiful children and have an incredible career of helping others with similar wounds.

There is much grace and life ahead for you Kenny, and I will be there for you when you need the comfort and protection you always longed for. God will father you as well, in ways more healing and powerful than I am able. Your shame, sadness and loneliness run deep, but God’s love and grace run deeper. Just wait and see!

I love you, Kenny. I see you and I understand you. God has much life and wholeness ahead for you, and I will always have your back!

With love,

Ken