Dear Younger Me,

I wish I could be next to you right now, giving you the attention you deeply desire but haven’t received. But I want you to know that I see you. 

I am familiar with the long route home you walk to avoid the bullies. I can picture the sidewalk cracks and potholes and feel the emptiness of rejection. 

I know the feel of the hard school desk you sit shivering in, observing a classroom of students beyond your reach. I know the fantasies you retreat to.

I love the good boy you strive to be. I love the real you too.

I know the unwelcome struggles that fill your mind as you lay in bed wishing sleep to come. Images, feelings, sensations, and thoughts that you didn’t welcome or create. I want to pull back the shame and rejection that cover you and tuck you in with God’s grace.

I remember it all. And God does too. I know. I asked Him.

I was thinking about you recently and prayed this prayer:

“God, do you remember a little seven-year-old boy? Do you remember him shivering and feeling so alone in his classroom? Do you remember how he would shut down to forget the uncertainties of a violent home?  

Do you remember the comments his parents made about those who participated in what they considered the worst of sins, fueled by a culture well-versed in the judgment of God?

Do you remember when that little guy first heard the name of Jesus at Sunday School? It sounded so different from the way it was spoken at home. He learned about a Jesus that died for him and loved him. He wanted so much to please you.

God, I can tell you that boy wonders what you were thinking when you saw those teenagers introduce him to sensations prematurely. In those moments, a Pandora’s Box opened. 

I know you remember the canopy of trees that covered the sin older boys committed upon him, hindering the light from dispelling the shame he absorbed. He didn’t want you to know he was disappointed when their advances ended. 

Let’s tell him we remember. Let’s tell him he was never alone.”

Little CJ, it’s true. You aren’t alone. 

And you are going to learn so much. Here’s a sneak peek:

You will learn that the unwanted desires you have are not a reflection of you. They are the fruit of the dysfunctional world that was forming you. The pain of others placed on you does not define you. You are a beloved son of God.

Your acting out is also not the real you. You wanted so badly to be accepted by men that you gave yourself away. But you were born for so much more. Your sensitive heart will become a blessing to others experiencing similar pain. 

As your body developed, the legitimate desires for union and fulfillment flooded you, making you feel like you were not a “good boy.” But you will learn the desire for intimate contact is normal. 

You will no longer fear for your physical safety. You will grow close to your Savior who was also bullied. He chose to endure it for you.

I know you don’t expect life to be easy. You are accustomed to hardship. You will go through a time when you think you deserve the rejection you feel. Skip it.

You don’t see an end to this constant torment, but a way out will come.

I love this part: People with a genuine love for you will enter your life. They will treat you as a beloved brother, trusted friend, and confidante. Life will be rich. I can’t wait for you to experience this.

And did I tell you about the wife God will provide for you and the family He will grow? It’s enough to make this 80-year-old man’s heart stop. 

You will come to understand that Abba Father has been working behind the scenes for your good. You will understand He was there…watching…waiting…weeping and always knocking…knocking, waiting to enter your broken heart and life. 

Answer His call. He is good. Don’t ever forget it.

With love,

CJ