Attraction is multifaceted. It comes in all shapes and sizes. By identifying the attractions we feel, we remind ourselves they are simply experiences. They do not define who we are. We can appreciate their messages and leverage them to grow. 

During a recent workout, I sat up from the bench press and noticed a guy pass by in a sleeveless shirt. He had my body type but a larger build. “I bet if I continue lifting heavy, my shoulders will look like his,” I thought. Then I resumed my workout.

Was I attracted to him? Sure. I paid attention to him because he represented what was possible if I stuck to my fitness plan. I admired his dedication to strengthening his body. He was handsome. My body didn’t rev up seeing him, but I bet twenty years ago it would have. Either way would be fine. My body’s response wouldn’t have to mean something.

In my example above, I described several types of attraction. Let’s break down the most common. Some differences are subtle, but by distinguishing them we learn to identify our experiences and feelings, gaining power over them.

POSITIVE ATTRACTIONS

Admiration: a feeling of respect and approval towards someone or something. 

I want to live my full potential and naturally seek out others with qualities I aspire to. Because I lacked a sense of masculinity when I was younger, I took notice of men who were strong, courageous, and gregarious. I admired how they defined their goals and pursued them, commanded a room, and used their physicality to live fully. I was motivated to model their behavior.

Pro tip: You already possess the seeds of what you admire in others within yourself. They are something to cultivate, not acquire. 

Curiosity: a strong desire to know or learn something.

If man lacked curiosity, there would be no innovation. We are designed to seek the novel and unknown. 

We can be curious about all kinds of things. What will happen if I push that red button? Is my body developing as fast as other guys? What would intimacy with another man be like?

Thoughts like those are normal, but they all require wisdom prior to action. Ask God what questions are worth exploring. Sideline the ones you’re unsure of. Accept a no answer as God’s protection. 

Aesthetic Attraction: attraction to the beauty or pleasing appearance of another person.

There are many studies on why certain physical characteristics have more visual appeal than others. It can be influenced by factors such as cultural norms, personal preferences, and past experiences. 

Take time to consider why you are drawn to certain characteristics of others. 

Physical Attraction: the desire for physical contact outside of a sexual or romantic context.

Physical attraction is a built-in drive. Babies need to be cuddled, lovers need to embrace, and hurting people need to be held. Without a desire to be touched and cared for, humans wouldn’t flourish. It is a vital part of any type of relationship. 

Affection is a key component of healthy development. If you lacked male affection growing up, you may desire it more than your current peers. That’s okay. Love the boy inside who needs it. Ask God for opportunities to receive affection and trust He will provide as you surrender your needs and desires to Him. 

Know that our greatest need can be our greatest opportunity to connect with God. He is the source of benefit healthy affection provides. 

Emotional Attraction: bonding or attraction based on personality, behavior, and emotional qualities.

Emotional attraction stems from a sincere interest in another person’s mental and emotional traits. It can grow and deepen over time and is often influenced by shared experiences, mutual interests, and understanding. 

It is vital for close relationships, whether in friendships or romantic relationships, as it fosters intimacy, trust, and support. This can manifest in a desire to spend time with the person, a sense of comfort and safety in their presence, or a feeling of deep empathy or understanding. 

Romantic Attraction: the desire to connect through emotional intimacy.

Think of romantic attraction as an emotional urge, while sexual attraction is a physical urge. When you’re romantically attracted to someone, you want to form a strong, perhaps even lifelong, emotional connection with them. 

Sexual Attraction: the attraction an individual feels that causes them to desire sexual contact with another person.

As opposed to romantic attraction which I experienced towards both men and women, my sexual arousal template as a young adult was directed exclusively toward men. 

I believe our Creator intended romantic and sexual relationships to be between a man and a woman, not to limit our sexual expression, but to allow us to flourish most fully. I didn’t understand how that would work for me, but I was willing to believe it was possible. 

NEGATIVE ATTRACTIONS

Envy: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.

In The Soul of Desire, author Curt Thompson noted the source of envy is shame. Satan turns admiration sideways into envy when we tell ourselves we aren’t acceptable as we are. Admiration is meant to honor our current selves by pursuing growth, not condemn us by declaring we have come up short. 

If you find yourself experiencing envy or jealousy, make it work for you. Ask productive questions. What admiration is envy masking that you can cultivate? Do you already possess some of what you are envious of? If so, how can you celebrate and grow it?

Lust: an intense desire for something, while already possessing a significant amount of it.

I have plenty of masculinity to bless others. I don’t need to steal it from other men. By grasping for it, I tell myself I don’t and never will have enough. 

So what?

My goal is for you to have greater autonomy over your attractions. When you sit with a situation in your life and identify the types of attractions experienced, you choose to respond rather than react, returning the power to you. 

Rather than your sensations and emotions running the show, you can learn from them, using curiosity rather than judgment. What are my valid needs? What do I already possess that I can cultivate? What characteristics of those I am attracted to can inspire me to improve so that I have more to give?

You possess great gifts. Ask God who you can bless with your power, passion, and strength today.