I believe the greatest driver of unwanted same-sex attractions is a belief and feeling of separateness. In my life, I believed I was separate from other guys and masculinity as a whole. I was often out of touch with my power and purpose. And even while a believer, I have felt separate from God’s favor and protection. But no matter what we feel, Paul’s words to the church in Rome are true: “…nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.”
Jesus’ prayer for us prior to going to the cross gives me confidence to come to Him, even when I feel undeserving. He says:
“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23)
Wow! That is incredible. To be united with the God of the universe. Can it be true? How is that possible when I often feel disconnected from people nearby who I can see and touch?
Thankfully, the truth of my unity with Christ is not dependent on my logic or feelings.
Looking back at the times I gazed at men with thoughts of inferiority or lust, I find few occurrences when I stopped to meditate deeply on my unity and completeness in Christ. When I practice that discipline now, my stupor is broken.
Can you imagine what it was like to walk with God in Eden before the Fall? The imagery of it inspires me to experience His presence more fully. The Garden was a place of unity, fellowship, innocence, provision, and life. He wants that for us now as well. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundant.”
Recently, I sought out a quiet place, took a few deep breaths, and allowed a picture of myself in Eden to come to mind:
I greeted the morning in Eden with the anticipation of walking with God. As I strolled along a stream, the grass perfectly cushioned the soles of my feet. I was mesmerized by the shimmering water I could watch all day. God was dazzling me with his beauty. I saw his strength in the tiger reclining on the bank, his joy in the daffodils with petals that glowed around the edges, and his humor in the wry smile of a monkey as it hung upside down from a tree that swelled with pure water. All creation spoke his name clearly.
And then He was beside me. He was so big. I could get lost in Him. His countenance told me he had been looking forward to walking with me as well. He said he had so much to show me. I couldn’t imagine what was next.
My mind was clear. That was the best part. No hidden thoughts or motives. No defenses, fear, or shame. It didn’t occur to me to question God’s love for me. How could I in that place? Everything was perfect and anything was possible.
I want that now. Each day. All day. His love for me is no less real or full as I walk this imperfect world. He has so much to show me, leading me by his hand as I discover it. Talk about an abundant life.
I could choose to turn towards lesser things. But why would I let go of Christ’s hand to reach for them? My attempts to feel a sense of oneness by losing myself in porn, a man’s arms, or the approval of others would fail. If I want true oneness I’ll lose myself in my big God. I’ll keep my palm in his grip and feel the squeeze of his hand telling me he is proud of my better choice. And I know it will make him smile.
He reaches his hand to you as well. I pray you will take it.