Fifteen year old Timothy sits on his bed staring at a DM from a guy he doesn’t know. It reads “You’re cute. Can we chat?” Thoughts flood his mind.
Yes, I want to chat. I really do.
I’m tired of fighting these feelings.
Why do I want this so bad?
If my parents only knew the desires I’ve had.
God must hate me.
He remembers his youth minister asking him, “Are you okay?” when Timothy stood in front of him blankly, summoning almost enough courage to share his secret with him. “Yes, I’m fine,” he responded.
He recalls the article he read which interpreted the Bible as embracing homosexuality. He wished he could suspend logic to believe that.
He feels the shame from when the football players announced to the cafeteria he was gay. He wanted to defend himself but words didn’t come.
“It’s just too much,” he says to himself.
Timothy clicks on the guy’s profile picture. His heart beats faster.
****
Timothy, if you are reading this, I want you to know I see you. I’ve been there. And it IS too much. You weren’t designed to handle so many competing voices and feelings.
I have felt lost and powerless much of my life. I was certain that the attention of another man would mean I was okay and that everything was going to be okay. My body seemed to be screaming that.
That voice, those sensations and emotions, can feel so big, but I want you to know you are bigger. You are in charge of your life and you get to decide what and who to listen to.
Your body isn’t seeing the real you. The football players in the cafeteria don’t see the real you. The Christians whose focus is on outward behavior may be overlooking your heart.
These desires won’t always be this intense. You don’t have to run from them or walk towards them. Sit with them without judgment.
Timothy, what gets you excited? If you knew these attractions won’t always be such a burden, what would you hope for? Who do you want to be? I’d love to know. Please don’t let your attractions overshadow the life you truly want to live.
You are not broken. God delights in you. Really. He will take you any way he can get you. He wants to hang out with you. I do too.
I love you Timothy. Let me know what you need. I’m not going anywhere. Reach out anytime.
Jason