As a young teenager, I presented my upper lip proudly to my dad. Black hairs had sprouted.
“Dad, I’m getting a mustache,” I said.
He turned to face me. Without moving closer, my dad declared, “It’s just peach fuzz.”
What? Not true. “It’s the start of a mustache, Dad.”
I held my breath for his response.
“No, it’s peach fuzz,” he said again, closing the conversation. He turned to resume whatever was more important to him besides me.
My chest deflated.
I retreated to the bathroom mirror. My few black hairs were certainly there, but apparently didn’t count. My masculinity was subpar.
That memory got filed away. As I recall it now, my shoulders slump and my chest tightens.
I have allowed events and resulting beliefs such as that to hold me back from showing up fully in life. To make the most of this life God has entrusted me with, I now use them to my advantage. I want my past to fuel my journey rather than drain my energy and enthusiasm.
But recalling and writing about the “peach fuzz” interaction just pissed me off. This article I planned to post last week got delayed because I was stumped on what good could come from the exchange with my father so long ago.
I was angry and sad. I decided to let those emotions put my optimism on pause. I took the weekend to acknowledge, accept, and honor those feelings. Returning to complete this article I find that sitting in those uncomfortable feelings has given me a jumpstart on formulating the following list of opportunities. I hope it will benefit you.
How can we let our past work for us rather than against us? Here are some ways:
Step into our power
- In recalling this event, I felt anger. I leaned into it. My dad was irresponsible with my heart. I was worth more of his time and care. His words hurt me. The lies Satan offered me in that vulnerable state handicapped me. Enough! It’s my life and I am taking it back.
Increase certainty
- My dad’s words confused me. I was told the evidence I saw in the mirror of my masculinity didn’t exist. I know that exiting confusion and living from the truth requires confidence and courage. In doing so, I am forced to take greater ownership of my identity. That’s a good thing.
Grieve
- Grief can be scary. But I’ve become acquainted with it enough to know it leads to strength, joy, and peace. I let myself feel sad. I allowed my preferred version of the scene to enter my mind. I grieved its absence. I shared my grief with others. My spirit is more settled and hopeful.
Encounter Jesus
- I can rewrite the scene and include Christ as the protagonist. I picture him standing behind me as my dad dismisses me. When I turn from my dad, Jesus’ presence stops me in my tracks. He bends until eye level with me, and says, “Yep, that’s gonna be a good ‘stache.” I fall into Him.
Connect
- While leading a group coaching call this week, I shared this “peach fuzz” story. The men empathized with me and shared similar stories. I was seen and affirmed and had the opportunity to do the same for them.
Forgive
- I get to forgive my dad. Not as a requirement, but as an opportunity, and without a timeline. I don’t need to rush it. As an adult, I wanted to forgive my dad for his acts of abandonment and asked God to do it in me. Weeks later, I woke up with the thought, “I wonder how my dad is doing today.” I took that as evidence of God’s work of forgiveness in my heart. I felt peace and joy. It’s a process, but that morning was a milestone.
Love myself
- Younger Jason in that scene is still with me. He desires to be seen, acknowledged, and affirmed. I get to do that. I can ask Younger Jason to share the excitement he felt when noticing the change in his face as well as his disappointment with his dad’s response. I can say to him, “Tell me more.” I can stand behind him as he studies his reflection, hands on his shoulders, and tell him he’s got what it takes.
There are many experiences in life I could do without. While I can’t change the past, I can use it. It takes work, but you are worth it.
Have you felt stuck by a past experience, allowing it to dictate your actions and tell you what’s possible? How can you use it to your advantage?