A belief of separateness from masculinity is a primary driver of same-sex attractions. 

As a boy, I had an out-of-body experience during a father-son activity meant to bring connection. The “wrestling” he initiated ended in me laying on my back pinned between his legs struggling to obey his command to break free, but the force he used struck out the option of escape. 

“How much more effort should I give before going limp?” I asked myself. I hated the moment when I let go. I felt like such a loser. I floated to safety, looking down at him and me, waiting for him to become aware and remove the grip his thighs had on my torso. 

He didn’t know I wasn’t on the bed. He couldn’t see me as I watched from above. He and his strength were other than me, out of reach. If he was perceptive, he would have seen my separation and recognized it in himself, having been plagued by it all his life. 

Evidence of My Separation

As I grew, developing guys became evidence of my separateness. I needed to acquire their confidence, strength, and voice to gain admittance to the man club. 

I tried really hard. When crossing my arms, I tucked my hands under my biceps to make them look bigger. I slowed my gait to appear less eager. I sang hymns in a deeper key. 

But my best efforts were no match against my unconscious belief that masculinity was outside of me. I tried to paste it on, but it wouldn’t stick. My fixation on men was a distraction. It was my belief that had to change. 

The solution was simple but not easy: believe what God said about me is true. His truth is beautiful:

“For you formed my inwards parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it full well.” Psalm 139:13-14a

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

“And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.” Genesis 1:31a

It can’t be that simple, I thought. That doesn’t feel true. Maybe I can meet God halfway. Surely there is work I need to do first. I kept trying to prove myself. 

Evidence of My Masculinity 

Inevitably, my best efforts failed. When I finally surrendered to God’s truth, evidence of my masculinity filled my view. I wasn’t separate from men or masculinity. I was deep in the mix. I could stop striving. 

Now, the very men who would have intimidated me trigger confidence in me. The abuse I thought was a weakness, is evidence of my strength. My fumbling in sports can be a chance to connect with guys who want to teach me the game. 

When my energy isn’t spent striving for masculinity, I can let my attractions and pain work for me rather than against me. When I have an attraction to a guy, I can use an empowering script and tell myself, “His physical strength reminds me of the strength of character I had to ask out a girl,” or “His confident presence is what I will experience more of as I gain clarity on my purpose and goals. He inspires me. I can inspire others.” 

I can uncover past traumas to see my valid needs that didn’t get met, honor them, and see Christ’s presence in the experience and His power to meet those needs today. Having walked through trauma is evidence of the strength God has given me, not weakness. 

Participation in Masculinity

A mental model that reminds me of my connection with masculinity is to view it as something we participate in rather than own. 

We embody various aspects of masculinity throughout our lives. A bodybuilder was no less masculine when he was a boy with skinny arms and will maintain his man card when elderly in a hospital bed. When we are boys, we can enjoy the strength of our fathers. When we parent, we provide strength to our kids. When we speak out for the vulnerable, we pass it on. We can lean on a friend’s shoulder when we are in need. 

Don’t spin your wheels for years like I did reaching for something you already possess. Believe you belong to the world of men and actively participate in the gift of masculinity now.