I was puzzled by his answer.
“It’s that jacket you always wear,” my classmate replied.
Huh. My jacket.
My faux leather jacket I thought made me so cool was apparently a dead giveaway about my sexual inclinations and a determiner of my orientation. What a powerful piece of my wardrobe!
I don’t remember the rest of that interaction from college, but I didn’t leave it feeling empowered. I definitely wasn’t encouraged to take ownership of my identity. My favorite jacket became a straitjacket.
The name for my coaching business, Own Your Identity, has two meanings. The first and deepest meaning is to own who we are in Christ. To internalize it and request God’s power to live out of it. That is the foundation for growth and flourishing.
The second meaning is to own our sexual identity.
The truth is, other people, my feelings, and my wardrobe don’t get to tell me I’m gay, what orientation to identify with, or whether I should live out of my attractions to men. I decide whether to take on labels and what actions to take.
I used to let those outside voices bother me, but now I let them empower me.
I can appreciate my other well-meaning classmates who told me I was gay and recommended I accept it, because I see their desire for me to be whole and at peace when I was clearly troubled. I can be grateful for their care and concern while allowing the interaction to remind me to seek wholeness in Christ and provide an opportunity to clarify my values.
A culture which celebrates a multitude of sexual expressions can remind me to celebrate the truth of who I am in Christ, and how he designed my body to work and my life to flourish.
I can empathize with people who are uncomfortable with the unknown, want things tied neatly in bows, and don’t know what to do with someone who has attractions to guys but truly desires something else. I can choose to be comfortable being uncomfortable and enjoy practicing the faith required to not settle for a quick solution.
In response to the narrative that a life of misery is the fate of men who have attractions to guys but don’t embrace a gay identity, I can take peace knowing that as I give myself permission to make my own decisions, stay open to all possibilities, and walk courageously the road I am inspired to take, even if it feels uneasy, I am telling myself that I am strong and courageous and my future is not yet written. That brings life. And heck, I can change my mind whenever I want.
The arousal in my body and romantic feelings I’ve experienced towards other guys can be information rather than a declaration. I decide what to do with them. I’ve got options: I can act in alignment with my automatic attractions, I can let them hang out while I go about my day, or I can get curious about them, considering they may have a message for me, and invite God into the conversation and seek the counsel of others.
I can also acknowledge times I acted opposite of my values, but those actions don’t get to tell me what is true about me either and they don’t need to determine my next actions.
On a lighter note, I can enjoy being sharply dressed, knowing that I alone get to own my identity!
And better than any jacket, I can allow myself to be wrapped in God’s confident embrace. The one who breathed life into me and whose name all creation whispers.