In my last blog post, I described a day in which I first felt intense physical desire toward another man. My mind and body felt certain that acting on those desires would provide relief from my uncomfortable emotions of fear, self-doubt, and anxiety. I didn’t have the tools needed to hold those feelings lightly and examine them, nor had I wrestled with my underlying, everpresent question, “Am I enough?”, that I was hoping he would answer.
The idea that Aaron was my solution FELT so true it hardly seemed worth questioning. The promise of what was possible in him was worth the risk of rejection. I wanted to escape my unsettled state.
As humans, we seek pleasure and avoid pain. It’s hardwired. In many cases, that drive keeps us alive and flourishing. I naturally wanted to feel better. However, my solution would not have led to health and empowerment. My unmet needs were valid, but shifting my dependency toward something outside my control would have led to deeper levels of fear and anxiety.
I didn’t give myself to my classmate. Not out of motivation towards something better, but from fear of doing something wrong or being judged. I had a gut sense that I would lose myself and not find my way back. I would live out of fear for many more years before realizing it is no way to make a life.
Unraveling this desire to escape would require deep work. But what I needed at that moment was relief from my intense emotions. I needed clarity to make an empowered decision.
I discovered three powerful strategies to own your emotions:
1. VIEW UNCOMFORTABLE EMOTIONS AS GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES
If you tell yourself they are too much to handle, they will be, and you will be hindered from moving forward. Whether it feels true or not, say “These strong feelings are an opportunity for me to grow, and they have valuable insights for me.” Pre-decide that you are someone who views emotions as opportunities.
It is simple enough, but it is HARD. For me, it has felt as untrue as saying the sky is red. And I have gotten ANGRY saying it, believing I shouldn’t have to deal with the emotions in the first place. Say it anyway. It will put a point on your scoreboard of empowerment.
2. GET COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE
There are plenty of things you are capable of doing in an unsettled state. You can study, have a conversation, pay your bills, drive to work, and more. Maybe your focus won’t be as high as you would like, but life is doable. You don’t need to escape from uncomfortable emotions. It’s going to be okay. You can choose how you want to feel.
Most emotions pass within ninety seconds if our mind doesn’t attach to them. Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor stated “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”
We have more control over our states than we might think.
3. IDENTIFY YOUR EMOTIONS AND SENSATIONS
For me, this is the most powerful step. Here is how to do it:
Tell yourself that you are experiencing a strong emotion. It will reinforce the fact that it is outside of you and not pervasive.
Ground yourself. Sit up straight in a comfortable position. Notice your feet on the floor.
Breathe. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system. I like the box breathing method: breathe in four seconds, hold four seconds, breathe out four seconds, hold four seconds, and repeat.
Name the emotion. If there are multiple, pick one. Notice it and acknowledge it. Consider what event or trigger may have contributed to it.
Describe the physical feeling and where it is in your body. This stops your mental loops. A feeling is just a sensation in the body. A slight discomfort. Here is what this process looks like:
Ask yourself where you notice it. Is it in your chest, your shoulders, or your gut? Maybe the back of your neck is tight. Breathe into it. If your mind wanders, bring it back to the emotion and the sensation in your body.
You may notice the emotion starts to loosen its grip or fade. Or maybe it is getting stronger. Either way is okay. Just notice what it is doing. The goal is to get comfortable with it.
What else do you notice about the feeling? Is it fast or slow, hot or cold, tight or relaxed, heavy or light? Breathe into it again. Do you notice it going anywhere else? Is it dropping down or rising up? Is it a different emotion now?
What does it look like? If you gave it a color, what color would it be? Is it big or small? Does it have a message for you?
Thoughts and feelings must be expressed, otherwise they will get lodged in our bodies. This can sap our vitality, potentially resulting in emotional instability and illness. They also need to be experienced so we can train our brains to stop wanting to obsess. While the process is simple, that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
As you continue to own your emotions and redirect your desires, ask yourself: “What deeper need or value is my desire trying to fulfill?” “How can I meet that need in a way that aligns with my true self?”
Few people practice this. Give yourself a pat on the back when you do. You have taken control of your emotions. You have consciously decided to take your next action. You are more closely aligned with what you truly desire and value. Continue building this emotional muscle. What used to loom large will lose its power.
Below are a few daily practices to try out:
1. Journaling Exercise: Write about a time when you successfully redirected a strong desire and identify the emotions involved.
2. Daily Reflection: Reflect on your emotional state at the end of each day and how it influenced your desires.
3. Emotional Awareness: Practice identifying and naming your emotions throughout the day to increase emotional intelligence.
4. Visualization: Visualize yourself handling a situation where you redirect your desire, focusing on the emotions you wish to cultivate.
You are stronger than you think! Don’t let your emotions convince you otherwise.