We don’t need to wait for us or our circumstances to change before allowing ourselves to feel good, accept ourselves and love life. In fact, waiting for those things is a hindrance to our growth. It has been for me in my journey.
I used to believe feeling good was dependent on outside forces. I remember wanting a guy to befriend me so I could not just be accepted but to feel acceptable. I wanted to be more muscular not just to be physically stronger but to feel like a strong person. I hoped my unwanted same-sex attractions would go away and opposite-sex attractions would grow not just so it might be easier to develop a relationship with a woman but so I could feel capable of one.
It was fine to want friends, a stronger body, and romantic feelings towards women, but often what I wanted more was the feeling I believed those things would give me. Life would be more enjoyable if I felt acceptable, strong, and capable. I would no longer have to feel alone, weak, and unqualified. I would do almost anything to avoid those feelings. I didn’t realize that I could choose to feel empowered whenever I wanted, regardless of external circumstances, my achievements, or whatever my default thoughts and emotions were telling me.
I remember getting invited to dinner with some other freshman guys from my dorm. They joked around as we walked to a popular hangout, and when we entered, they confidently raised their voices to hear each other over the crowd. I was quiet when we were walking and overwhelmed when we got to the packed restaurant. I wanted to feel at ease, confident, and free but I didn’t know how.
So my brain made some suggestions. First, it raised the question, “If these guys feel confident and free and I don’t, what do they have that I don’t possess which allows them to feel that way?” (If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll spot that as a flawed question). Then, my brain began taking an inventory: The other guys were bigger than me, always had something to say, and didn’t break eye contact when a girl looked their way. They didn’t doubt that they belonged there.
I felt overwhelmed, alone, intimidated, and discouraged. But if developing the qualities they had is what it would take for me to feel confident, worthy, and comfortable, I was all in. The problem is by focusing on that list of perceived shortcomings, I was telling myself that feeling good, accepting myself, and enjoying life in the moment had requirements for entry that I hadn’t met. At the time, I was blind to that being a lie.
I was in the habit of living that way. I collected standards and expectations of myself to achieve in the future so that I could enjoy the present. But I never reached the end of the list. I was constantly raising the bar and adding more items. I wasn’t experiencing life. I was in a holding pattern until I earned the right to live it fully.
When I look back on that restaurant scene, I grieve for the version of me who shortchanged himself the opportunity to enjoy a rich college experience – being a part of a group of new freshmen walking into a popular hangout filled with tons of different people and soaking it in. What could have been an evening of discovery became a place of anxiety that I wanted to escape from until I could return as a more attractive, confident and opposite-sex attracted version of me.
What I realize now is that I don’t have to wait to feel good and enjoy life. Here are a few tools I use when I find myself postponing joy and standing on the sidelines.
Tools to Live Fully Now
Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
We can all feel scared in new situations. We may feel compelled to escape. That’s okay. We don’t have to be without fear or insecurity to enjoy ourselves. We can observe the list our brain may start creating of how we don’t measure up and how we need to change. We can acknowledge our emotions, thoughts, and attractions and choose to look at them productively as they occur or save that processing for later and practice enjoying the present moment regardless. We can be uncomfortable AND choose how we want to feel and how we want to experience the moment.
The same applies to starting the growth journey of navigating unwanted same-sex attractions. It can be scary and uncomfortable to look at a part of your life you may have put effort into avoiding, but the work is worthwhile and rewarding. So, get comfortable being uncomfortable. Be ready to do some deep work, but don’t make the mistake of believing the work is a requirement to feel complete or experience a life of joy. Decide you will be grateful for life as it is, love yourself, and the process, and invite Christ into it.
Give Thanks
We can thank God for the opportunity to walk into something new, take a courageous action, and embrace vulnerability in the moment. Gratitude and fear can’t coexist.
Get Curious and Take Action
We can look at the list of requirements and expectations our mind creates and get curious about what may have inspired them. Then we can honor the healthy things we long for, choose to find evidence of their existence in our lives already, and consider how we might develop them more in God’s timing.
Impact of this Mindset
Now I can walk into an overwhelming situation and simply observe my emotions, thoughts, attractions, and my brains attempt to escape them. And while that is going on, I can also appreciate the new scene, the dynamic people in it, and enjoy the possibility that something really cool could happen when I step into a crowd both scared and brave. And I can love it all.
When I begin coaching someone who feels overwhelmed by same-sex attractions, I invite them to look at their life, the good and the bad, what they are both satisfied with and what they don’t like and decide to love it all. Growth is a never-ending process. If we don’t choose to love ourselves and life at the beginning of our growth journey, we won’t know how to love them once we are further along the path. Also, there is no better motivator than love.
Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This can apply to accepting our circumstances and progress along our growth journey also. Doing deep personal work from a place of joy, strength, acceptance, and love will propel you further and make the process more enjoyable, even when moving through grief, hurt, and loss.
Embracing this mindset allows me to enjoy the present moment and confidently engage in the hard work of personal growth and change. I know that life doesn’t wait—and neither should we. God has given us His presence to enjoy now, gifts to be shared now, and his gospel to be spread now.
Are you in the habit of waiting until you or circumstances look different before allowing yourself to feel good and love life? If so, continue the work of sanctification and growth, but receive God’s love now, just as you are. Strive towards a better tomorrow, but love God’s gift of today. Get in the habit of it.
Evidence of the Gospel
Finally, when I think of how easy it is to create a list of things to do before we can allow ourselves to embrace life, it reminds me of the power of the gospel. The Bible says that “While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” He doesn’t give us any prerequisites to meet before coming to Him to invite His fullness of joy and radical love into our life. Let’s follow His example and treat ourselves the same way as we live this beautiful and messy life He allows us to walk.