I want to live full out. That has been my desire and God’s design but often not my experience. When I honor and learn from both my healthy and unhealthy pursuits, I open myself up to experience more of the purpose-filled life God intended for me as His unique creation.

Playing Small

Looking back on my life, I can see Satan was trying to keep me playing small. He knew the potential God gave me for impacting His kingdom and he wasn’t a fan.

I discovered a love for writing as a child but didn’t get past the first few pages of a novel that was sure to be a gripping thriller, because I listened to a voice telling me I should be devoted to God’s work and not to writing fiction. But the voice wasn’t God’s. I have since fanned my passion for the written word and receive joy using it to share His message of transformation. 

When I was primed to cross a finish line, I stopped short. I wasn’t someone who wins, wasn’t meant for the spotlight, and shouldn’t outpace runners who may be dejected by not snapping the ribbon themselves. Second place was my sweet spot. When God did call me to be in the spotlight for His glory, I had a steep learning curve.

When I found the courage to speak up, I kept quiet. The world was too crowded with voices and there wasn’t room for mine. Unfortunately, God’s voice spoken through me was muffled.

I avoided sharing the Good News because I was broken and risked losing my lifeline of other’s approval. I now know my brokenness is one of the greatest gifts I can present to others because it is wrapped in the grace of Christ.

My mind was quieter when I played small. The energy required to combat the negative thoughts and beliefs Satan lobbed at me as I wholly pursued a goal wasn’t worth the prize. I did want to be powerful, use my gifts, and live fully, but being a nice guy was easier. 

A Rush of Purpose

And then Satan gave me a shortcut to that feeling of purposeful pursuit I longed for. 

While in the place of muffled desires, I encountered same-sex attractions and pornography. Those feelings and images were intense. I got hooked. The dopamine rush from fantasizing and viewing porn gave me the physical sensations of focus, clarity, and calm I longed for. 

But I had nothing to show for that pursuit.

Rather than shame myself for wasting time and looking to idols, I can appreciate my desire for the good feelings that result from purposeful action. 

I can acknowledge my sin and reconnect through joyful confession with my Lord who looks on me with love and invites me to something greater, then talk to myself to redirect my desire toward meaningful pursuits.

Here is what that could look like:

Jason, I noticed you were driven when you were watching porn. You stayed up late and lost sleep pursuing the perfect video. You were able to tune out your fears, anxieties, and negative thoughts. Being in that state felt great, didn’t it? 

I want to honor that desire in you to be all-in on something. God wants that for you. Ask Him for it and He will place the perfect pursuit before you. If he doesn’t remove the fear, anxiety, or negative thoughts. it’s because He wants you to hand them to Him each time they arise. You will see His face and He loves that. 

If His direction is unclear, take time to uncover the passions inside you, check them against His word and counsel from others, then go for them with everything you’ve got. He will guide you as you go and perfect your course.

Beautiful Surrender

Do this exercise to activate your healthy passion:

Sit comfortably in a quiet place without distraction. Bring to mind a dream you’re drawn to pursue. Vividly imagine it. What are you doing? Who are you with? What is the setting? What are the milestone goals on the road toward success in your endeavor? Visualize yourself achieving each one of them. 

How does it feel to go all-on with purpose on a mission bigger than yourself? Take it in. Picture meeting the highest level of achievement. How do you celebrate it? Who are you celebrating with? 

Now for the best part. Surrender it to God. Open your hands and submit the pursuit to Him, in all its technicolor imagery. Give Him each goal, each sound, each smile, laugh, and cheer. Offer your hope, courage, talent, and determination. Look into His face, the radiance of love smiling on you. His love is a fire that burns off chaff, hardens steel, and hones your pursuits.

More and Better

Don’t hold back in your surrender. Jesus wants to give you more than you ask. He sees, hears, and knows you. He made you. He is for you. 

The story in scripture of a leper bravely approaching Jesus with a desire to be healed illustrates this. Jesus saw his physical pain. He loved him and could have simply spoken healing, but saw beyond the man’s request to his deeper longing for connection. 

The leper had knelt in pain, waiting and vulnerable, acutely aware of the stares from the distanced crowd. He watched Jesus step toward his sores and disfiguration and place His palm on his broken body. Everything fell away except the hand of Jesus on him. 

The touch of Jesus trumped the leper’s desire for physical healing. He had pursued Jesus and was given a life beyond his imagination. Naturally, he couldn’t help but tell everyone about this man who had touched him.

Practice desiring Jesus above all. Imagine a future glory with Him and believe He has that for you now. You were created with a drive to pursue great things. Embrace it to live fully alive for Him.