I’ve shared before the scene where my dad would pin me down during an activity he called wrestling and urge me to break free. But his grip rendered me powerless to exert force against him. I would try to obey his command but eventually give up. It was an impossible and confounding task.

In my coaching program, we choose a scene from our life and write a letter to ourselves in it. This is the letter I wrote to my eight-year-old self who wanted to please his dad and show his strength.

Read my letter to Little Jason below. I pray it will give you permission to honor your story and let your younger self know they are seen. Doing so will empower you in the present and open your heart to love yourself, God, and others more.

Little Jason,

You are strong. Don’t believe otherwise. What your dad is doing is not right. Dads are supposed to create experiences that make you feel big and strong, not small and weak. 

You want to please your dad and make him proud. You want him to look at you with admiration, respect, and care. I honor that in you. You are not the reason you aren’t receiving those things. It’s him. 

Believe my words: You have great worth and value. You are not alone or forgotten. You haven’t met them yet, but there are so many people in the world that will confirm that in you. 

Over the years, I’ve had to grieve the loss of the dad I hoped for. You want a dad you can depend on. You should have it. But our dad isn’t reliable. God can transform anyone, but your job right now is to believe God made you for a unique purpose and loves you to the moon and back. It is true, no matter what anyone says or does.

I wish I could make hurtful words and actions bounce off you rather than sink into your mind and heart. I’d like to stand in front of you with my arms out to guard you. 

Know that it isn’t your job to make dad happy even though he may tell you it is. A lot of things he says aren’t true. I know that is confusing. I’m sorry.

Little Jason, there is so much richness to life available than what you know now. Soon you will have a desire to write but you’ll think it is selfish to do so. It’s not. Believe that God wants you to lean into your interests and use them for His glory. 

God doesn’t just love you, he likes you. He likes you a lot. Just like me, He would love to hang out with you. He wants to know what you are thinking and feeling. He wants to encourage your curiosity and wonder and hear all about it. God’s got all the time in the world and has no agenda except to love you. 

God created you strong. Strength is not something outside of you, beyond your reach. It permeates you. I admire the strength you showed when you told your dad he hurt you. His reaction doesn’t discount it. Feeling helpless, confused, or defeated doesn’t mean you are weak. They are opportunities to allow God to remind you of your strength and let you borrow His.

You are not alone.

Jason