Have you ever had one of those moments where all you wanted was for someone to notice you?
To choose you?
To say, “You matter. You’re enough. I see you.”
I had one of those moments recently,
I was going about my morning, and all of a sudden, that longing appeared in a way I didn’t expect. But it showed me something important about myself, and I think it’s something you might connect with too.
The Trigger: Being Passed Over
The day before this happened, I found out that I’d been passed over for an opportunity. One I had been told was mine. I was ready for it. Counting on it. And then suddenly, it was gone. And I heard the news only second hand. I felt rejected.
And while I have many people in my life who encourage me, I couldn’t pretend it didn’t hurt. It stirred up something I thought I was past—the old ache of not being chosen.
So when I walked into the gym the next morning, I was carrying that wound.
The Locker Room Moment
I finished my workout and stepped into the locker room. As I was changing, a wave of longing hit me—a deep desire to be noticed, to be seen, to be chosen. And out of nowhere, an intrusive thought popped into my mind:
I imagined a guy looking at me, putting his hands on my torso, and staring at me in a way that implied he wanted more.
And I panicked a little.
My automatic thought was, “What is wrong with me? Why did I just think that? I’m supposed to be beyond this.”
But I knew better than to shut it down or shame myself, I acknowledged it, told myself I was safe, reminded myself of my true desires, and chose curiosity and healthy connection. I made a point to talk to an acquaintance who was there in the locker room—just a simple interaction, saying hi, engaging in a casual conversation. I brought to mind healthy scenes. I recalled receiving a pat on the back and a word of encouragement by a friend. Later, I shared the scene with my wife, even though it was vulnerable.
The Deeper Longing
I could see that the fantasy that came to mind in the locker room wasn’t about sex—it was about longing.
Longing to be noticed.
Longing to be affirmed.
Longing to be chosen.
Let’s break down what was really happening in that fantasy:
- The gaze of desire? That was about longing to be noticed. To not feel invisible or dismissed.
- The hands on my torso? That was a longing for affirmation in my body as a man. Wanting someone to say, “I see your strength and value. You’re enough.”
- The “wanting more” part? That wasn’t about sex. It was about longing to feel fully accepted and pursued—not just tolerated, but wanted at the core of who I am.
And here’s what I know: those longings are human. They’re good. The problem is, when they’re not met in healthy ways, taking them to God, our imagination may fill in the gaps—and often does it with sexual imagery. That doesn’t mean we’re broken. It just means there’s a deeper desire inside of us that’s asking to be seen, healed, and fulfilled in a better way.
And I think those longings to be noticed, affirmed, and chosen are something we all carry. Maybe for you it was back in PE class, standing there hoping someone would finally pick you. That was me. Maybe it was with your dad, when you longed for his attention, but he chose someone else. Maybe at work, getting passed over for a promotion. Or in a relationship, when you felt overlooked.
Those moments shape us. When we’re chosen, we feel seen, valued, and affirmed. When we’re not, it leaves a mark—and that mark can resurface in surprising places, even years later.
For me, it surfaced in the locker room—probably stirred up by the rejection I’d faced the day before and past memories of being overlooked.
But the beautiful thing is this: once we recognize these longings for what they are, we can start meeting them in healthy, life-giving ways instead of letting them get tangled up in shame or fantasy.
Faith + Identity
As I continue to sit with it, I can feel God whisper: “You are already chosen. You’re mine.” There is something about those words, “You’re mine,” that settles my spirit.
That truth pushes back the lies that say, “You’re not enough. You’ve got to prove your worth. You need to be desired to be valuable.”
No. I’m already chosen.
And so are you.
A Practical Tool
Now, I know this isn’t easy.
So here’s a 7-step process I seek to practice when those kinds of thoughts show up:
- Pause & Notice – Catch the thought without shame. Just say, “Okay, that’s here. I don’t have to act on it. I get to choose what to do with it.”
- Identify the Longing – Ask, “What is this really about? Affirmation? Belonging? Being chosen?”
- Replace the Scene – Swap out the fantasy with a healthier picture, whether real or imagined, of affirmation, inclusion, and belonging.
- Grieve the Loss – Be honest: “Yeah, I longed for more of this growing up. I wanted to be chosen for this opportunity.” Grieving is a part of healing.
- Anchor in Truth – Speak life over yourself: “I am seen. I am chosen. I don’t need sexual attention to know my worth.”
- Redirect with Action – Do something that honors your value: reach out to a friend, celebrate a small win, journal gratitude.
- Bring It to God and Others – Don’t carry it alone. Share it. Even though it was vulnerable, When I shared the experience with my wife, our connection deepened. I shared about the triggering event and memories it brought up.
Don’t Wait for Someone to Choose You
So let me leave you with this: You don’t have to wait for someone else to choose you. You can remind yourself that you’ve already been chosen.
Through Jesus, we are fully seen, fully known, and fully chosen. Not because of what we’ve done or how strong, talented, or desirable we are—but because God loves us. He sent Jesus to pursue us and invite us into a relationship where we never have to prove our worth. If you haven’t put your love and trust in Him, I invite you to do so.
This week, when shame or insecurity sneaks in, pause and ask: “What am I really longing for right now? And how can I meet that longing in a healthy, life-giving way?”
Because you are already seen. You are already valued. And you are already chosen.
Lastly, I want you to remember that you aren’t defined by whether you are wanted or chosen by others, you are defined by the One who calls you His, who broke the mold when He created you, and chooses you every day with joy.
You’ve got this! Because God’s got you.