by Jason Mellard | Aug 16, 2024 | Blog, Same-Sex Attraction
The psalmist said “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.”
It is easy for me to agree with that verse intellectually, but it is not always my felt belief. I scroll social media, stare into the refrigerator, ruminate on mistakes, and do plenty of other things that don’t align with my true satisfaction and desire to be in His presence.
I want this to be the reflex of my mind, body, and emotions when a challenge or temptation arises: to reflect on His goodness and reach out for His hand. I want my first impulse to be turning towards His face and stepping into His presence rather than seek flattery from a stranger, images on a screen, or fleeting pleasures.
In a moment of overwhelm, loneliness, or hurt, I can FEEL certain that porn or a sexual encounter is the antidote. At times, my whole being has seemed to say, “Dude, porn is next the right move. What are you waiting for?” But that is not what I want.
I desire a sustained feeling of certainty that God is what is best. I want that truth to be deeply embedded in me. If you ask me if He is best, I hope to blurt out, “Oh man, don’t get me started! The answer is yes, yes, and yes!” I desire that more than anything.
I am convinced that believing in the core of who you are that God is better is key to moving beyond your unwanted attractions and taming your triggers. It has to be more than knowing God is best. It’s a truth that must permeate us.
Here are some strategies that have worked for me to embed that truth:
Observe Yourself
I read the story of the Fall and want to grab Adam and Eve by the shoulders and say, “Are y’all crazy?? Look at this place! You’ll trade it for one apple?” Picturing that scene reinforces to me that God’s presence trumps whatever shiny object catches my attention. It is so obvious when looking in from the outside.
I can take a moment to step out of my scene of struggle and observe it. I can see myself closing up and getting tunnel vision on a single solution. I can have compassion for myself. Then I can wave to get my attention, smile, and motion towards freedom.
Use Pleasure and Pain to Your Advantage
As humans, we are naturally driven to avoid pain and seek pleasure. We draw our hand quickly from a hot stove. We reach for a cold glass of water on a summer day.
But I’ve often gotten pain and pleasure backwards when it comes to my quiet time with God. Time with Him has felt dry while porn has been immersive.
If you are in that place, take time to put the facts on paper. Write out the pain that negative habits and choices have brought you. Write the pleasures God promises us when entering His presence. Compare your lists. Meditate on the truth and ask Him to make it feel more real to you. Review your list when you are presented with a choice and ensure you are assigning pleasure and pain to your options correctly.
Know it’s a Matter of Life and Death
No, someone is not likely to find you lifeless at the keyboard in the morning after a bout with porn. But it is helpful to believe that no life is found through the screen or in the arms of an illicit lover. Not even a little bit of life.
The enemy tells me my negative habits and sinful desires have something to offer me. I believe him and then engage my willpower to push them away. But it’s not the porn or object of my lust I should be fighting. It’s the lie that those things are of benefit that I need to hold up to the truth.
Sin is lifeless. God is life. In His presence is fullness of joy. In Him, our cup overflows. A day in His courts is truly better than a thousand elsewhere.
“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!” Deuteronomy 30:19
What is Holding You back?
Consider what hindrances you are experiencing to believing God is what is best. In my life, I have believed He was disinterested or disappointed in me. I have allowed shame to hold me back from entering His presence and opening to Him. The solution wasn’t to impress Him or do less things I was ashamed of. My next right step was to rest in Him.
The next time a challenge or disappointment arises and you are presented with the choice between God’s presence and something lesser, choose His courts. Choose His goodness and His face. Choose His mercy and grace. Choose life. Invite Him to be your go-to response.
by Jason Mellard | Aug 9, 2024 | Blog, Same-Sex Attraction
I believe the greatest driver of unwanted same-sex attractions is a belief and feeling of separateness. In my life, I believed I was separate from other guys and masculinity as a whole. I was often out of touch with my power and purpose. And even while a believer, I have felt separate from God’s favor and protection. But no matter what we feel, Paul’s words to the church in Rome are true: “…nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.”
Jesus’ prayer for us prior to going to the cross gives me confidence to come to Him, even when I feel undeserving. He says:
“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23)
Wow! That is incredible. To be united with the God of the universe. Can it be true? How is that possible when I often feel disconnected from people nearby who I can see and touch?
Thankfully, the truth of my unity with Christ is not dependent on my logic or feelings.
Looking back at the times I gazed at men with thoughts of inferiority or lust, I find few occurrences when I stopped to meditate deeply on my unity and completeness in Christ. When I practice that discipline now, my stupor is broken.
Can you imagine what it was like to walk with God in Eden before the Fall? The imagery of it inspires me to experience His presence more fully. The Garden was a place of unity, fellowship, innocence, provision, and life. He wants that for us now as well. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundant.”
Recently, I sought out a quiet place, took a few deep breaths, and allowed a picture of myself in Eden to come to mind:
I greeted the morning in Eden with the anticipation of walking with God. As I strolled along a stream, the grass perfectly cushioned the soles of my feet. I was mesmerized by the shimmering water I could watch all day. God was dazzling me with his beauty. I saw his strength in the tiger reclining on the bank, his joy in the daffodils with petals that glowed around the edges, and his humor in the wry smile of a monkey as it hung upside down from a tree that swelled with pure water. All creation spoke his name clearly.
And then He was beside me. He was so big. I could get lost in Him. His countenance told me he had been looking forward to walking with me as well. He said he had so much to show me. I couldn’t imagine what was next.
My mind was clear. That was the best part. No hidden thoughts or motives. No defenses, fear, or shame. It didn’t occur to me to question God’s love for me. How could I in that place? Everything was perfect and anything was possible.
I want that now. Each day. All day. His love for me is no less real or full as I walk this imperfect world. He has so much to show me, leading me by his hand as I discover it. Talk about an abundant life.
I could choose to turn towards lesser things. But why would I let go of Christ’s hand to reach for them? My attempts to feel a sense of oneness by losing myself in porn, a man’s arms, or the approval of others would fail. If I want true oneness I’ll lose myself in my big God. I’ll keep my palm in his grip and feel the squeeze of his hand telling me he is proud of my better choice. And I know it will make him smile.
He reaches his hand to you as well. I pray you will take it.
by Jason Mellard | Jun 7, 2024 | Blog, Same-Sex Attraction
Lewis Howes, author and host of The School of Greatness podcast, said “The greatest crime we can commit is going to bed without a dream and getting up without a purpose.”
WHAT PURPOSE ARE YOU LIVING FROM?
If you asked me three years ago what my purpose was, I would say to know God and make Him known, love my wife unconditionally, and instill a love for the gospel in my children. That was my intention. But my thoughts and actions showed otherwise.
The morning alarm triggered my recurring question, “What do I need to do to ensure nothing goes wrong today?” Pretty silly when I stop to think about it. It deactivated my good intentions and reduced my purpose to self-protection.
I would scan the day ahead for potential land mines: a contractor calling with a costly issue, a high-stakes client meeting, or an emotional encounter with a loved one. My concerns filled my vision and my defensive posture closed me off from opportunity.
I argued that once I was safe I could focus on what really mattered. But ensuring self-protection became a habit. Each thought, action, and rumination that aligned with the purpose of safety reinforced it.
DEFINE YOUR PURPOSE
We are hard-wired to live purposefully. Otherwise, as minister and author Hugh Prather put it, we “rumble around… and bounce haphazardly and hopelessly off every change time brings.”
When defining your purpose, clarity is key. Craft your vision so clearly you could tell your friend who could then communicate it to someone else perfectly. When you set a clear intention, your attention and energy follow it.
God directs all believers to many common pursuits but has a unique call for each person as well. Own yours. Like eyeglasses, your unique vision requires a unique prescription. Other people won’t be looking at the world the same way you do. When I decided to pursue a woman to marry, I didn’t expect everyone who knew of my same-sex attractions to understand. They weren’t looking through my lenses.
MAKE YOUR PURPOSE A MUST
You are the WAY you are because of the WHY you are. Minister and writer Alexander Maclaren stated: “Here is the manliness of manhood: That a man has a good reason for what he does and has a will in doing it.”
Knowing God more and making Him known, loving my wife well, and instilling the gospel in my children is what I wanted to do. I actively pursued safety because it felt like the thing I must do.
Safety was a prerequisite that never got met. It became my “must,” not love.
How did I change? I made loving a must and safety an unnecessary luxury. I chose to associate an excessive need for it with pain. My energy spent on self-protection instead of acts of love fueled by faith was painful to myself, my family, and the work God wanted to do through me.
SET YOUR GOALS AND BE THE PERSON THAT MEETS THEM
Where do you want to go? What is the specific address? Not just the region, city, or neighborhood. What do you need to put into your GPS to so you don’t go knocking on the wrong door?
Ask yourself these questions:
- Who do I want to be?
- How do I want to relate to others?
- What do I want to create?
Lastly, describe the type of person that achieves those goals and decide you are that person now. Whether you achieve the goal or not, who you will become along the way is often more valuable.
TAKE ACTION
“The real win is in the space between thinking about taking action and taking action. The magic of life lies in the LEAP. That is the catalyst for change, growth, and the platform for finding your purpose.” – Lewis Howes
What is the one step you can take today that will activate more decisions in line with your purpose? Act on that now to own who you are and enjoy the journey to the person you will become.
by Jason Mellard | Apr 12, 2024 | Blog, Same-Sex Attraction
I want to live full out. That has been my desire and God’s design but often not my experience. When I honor and learn from both my healthy and unhealthy pursuits, I open myself up to experience more of the purpose-filled life God intended for me as His unique creation.
Playing Small
Looking back on my life, I can see Satan was trying to keep me playing small. He knew the potential God gave me for impacting His kingdom and he wasn’t a fan.
I discovered a love for writing as a child but didn’t get past the first few pages of a novel that was sure to be a gripping thriller, because I listened to a voice telling me I should be devoted to God’s work and not to writing fiction. But the voice wasn’t God’s. I have since fanned my passion for the written word and receive joy using it to share His message of transformation.
When I was primed to cross a finish line, I stopped short. I wasn’t someone who wins, wasn’t meant for the spotlight, and shouldn’t outpace runners who may be dejected by not snapping the ribbon themselves. Second place was my sweet spot. When God did call me to be in the spotlight for His glory, I had a steep learning curve.
When I found the courage to speak up, I kept quiet. The world was too crowded with voices and there wasn’t room for mine. Unfortunately, God’s voice spoken through me was muffled.
I avoided sharing the Good News because I was broken and risked losing my lifeline of other’s approval. I now know my brokenness is one of the greatest gifts I can present to others because it is wrapped in the grace of Christ.
My mind was quieter when I played small. The energy required to combat the negative thoughts and beliefs Satan lobbed at me as I wholly pursued a goal wasn’t worth the prize. I did want to be powerful, use my gifts, and live fully, but being a nice guy was easier.
A Rush of Purpose
And then Satan gave me a shortcut to that feeling of purposeful pursuit I longed for.
While in the place of muffled desires, I encountered same-sex attractions and pornography. Those feelings and images were intense. I got hooked. The dopamine rush from fantasizing and viewing porn gave me the physical sensations of focus, clarity, and calm I longed for.
But I had nothing to show for that pursuit.
Rather than shame myself for wasting time and looking to idols, I can appreciate my desire for the good feelings that result from purposeful action.
I can acknowledge my sin and reconnect through joyful confession with my Lord who looks on me with love and invites me to something greater, then talk to myself to redirect my desire toward meaningful pursuits.
Here is what that could look like:
Jason, I noticed you were driven when you were watching porn. You stayed up late and lost sleep pursuing the perfect video. You were able to tune out your fears, anxieties, and negative thoughts. Being in that state felt great, didn’t it?
I want to honor that desire in you to be all-in on something. God wants that for you. Ask Him for it and He will place the perfect pursuit before you. If he doesn’t remove the fear, anxiety, or negative thoughts. it’s because He wants you to hand them to Him each time they arise. You will see His face and He loves that.
If His direction is unclear, take time to uncover the passions inside you, check them against His word and counsel from others, then go for them with everything you’ve got. He will guide you as you go and perfect your course.
Beautiful Surrender
Do this exercise to activate your healthy passion:
Sit comfortably in a quiet place without distraction. Bring to mind a dream you’re drawn to pursue. Vividly imagine it. What are you doing? Who are you with? What is the setting? What are the milestone goals on the road toward success in your endeavor? Visualize yourself achieving each one of them.
How does it feel to go all-on with purpose on a mission bigger than yourself? Take it in. Picture meeting the highest level of achievement. How do you celebrate it? Who are you celebrating with?
Now for the best part. Surrender it to God. Open your hands and submit the pursuit to Him, in all its technicolor imagery. Give Him each goal, each sound, each smile, laugh, and cheer. Offer your hope, courage, talent, and determination. Look into His face, the radiance of love smiling on you. His love is a fire that burns off chaff, hardens steel, and hones your pursuits.
More and Better
Don’t hold back in your surrender. Jesus wants to give you more than you ask. He sees, hears, and knows you. He made you. He is for you.
The story in scripture of a leper bravely approaching Jesus with a desire to be healed illustrates this. Jesus saw his physical pain. He loved him and could have simply spoken healing, but saw beyond the man’s request to his deeper longing for connection.
The leper had knelt in pain, waiting and vulnerable, acutely aware of the stares from the distanced crowd. He watched Jesus step toward his sores and disfiguration and place His palm on his broken body. Everything fell away except the hand of Jesus on him.
The touch of Jesus trumped the leper’s desire for physical healing. He had pursued Jesus and was given a life beyond his imagination. Naturally, he couldn’t help but tell everyone about this man who had touched him.
Practice desiring Jesus above all. Imagine a future glory with Him and believe He has that for you now. You were created with a drive to pursue great things. Embrace it to live fully alive for Him.
