Fifteen year old Timothy sits on his bed staring at a DM from a guy he doesn’t know. It reads “You’re cute. Can we chat?” Thoughts flood his mind.
Yes, I want to chat. I really do.
I’m tired of fighting these feelings.
Why do I want this so bad?
If my parents only knew the desires I’ve had.
God must hate me.
He remembers his youth minister asking him, “Are you okay?” when Timothy stood in front of him blankly, summoning almost enough courage to share his secret with him. “Yes, I’m fine,” he responded.
He recalls the article he read which interpreted the Bible as embracing homosexuality. He wished he could suspend logic to believe that.
He feels the shame from when the football players announced to the cafeteria he was gay. He wanted to defend himself but words didn’t come.
“It’s just too much,” he says to himself.
Timothy clicks on the guy’s profile picture. His heart beats faster.
****
Timothy, if you are reading this, I want you to know I see you. I’ve been there. And it IS too much. You weren’t designed to handle so many competing voices and feelings.
I have felt lost and powerless much of my life. I was certain that the attention of another man would mean I was okay and that everything was going to be okay. My body seemed to be screaming that.
That voice, those sensations and emotions, can feel so big, but I want you to know you are bigger. You are in charge of your life and you get to decide what and who to listen to.
Your body isn’t seeing the real you. The football players in the cafeteria don’t see the real you. The Christians whose focus is on outward behavior may be overlooking your heart.
These desires won’t always be this intense. You don’t have to run from them or walk towards them. Sit with them without judgment.
Timothy, what gets you excited? If you knew these attractions won’t always be such a burden, what would you hope for? Who do you want to be? I’d love to know. Please don’t let your attractions overshadow the life you truly want to live.
You are not broken. God delights in you. Really. He will take you any way he can get you. He wants to hang out with you. I do too.
I love you Timothy. Let me know what you need. I’m not going anywhere. Reach out anytime.
When I was a kid, my dad loved cycling. He’d suit up in those tight cycling shorts, and one day, he wanted me to wear them too. I didn’t want to—I mean, I was a kid, and those shorts felt embarrassing—but I didn’t know how to say no. So, I put them on and went along with it, hoping we didn’t bike past anyone I knew. Looking back, it wasn’t just about the shorts. It was about this deeper struggle I didn’t even have words for yet: the tension between wanting to please someone I loved and not really knowing how to stand up for what I wanted. It was one of many times I felt the pull of my dad’s expectations versus my own preferences.
The Jean Jacket
Fast forward a few years, and I found myself wanting to dress like the other guys at school. There was this one friend of mine who had the coolest jean jacket. He wore it with this effortless confidence, and I thought, “If I could just get a jacket like that, maybe I’d feel like I belonged.” So, I begged my parents for one, and when I finally got it, I wore it everywhere. But here’s the thing: even with that jacket, I still felt like I wasn’t enough. I remember looking in the mirror, hoping to see someone who fit in, but instead, I just saw a kid trying too hard. That jacket didn’t give me the confidence I thought it would—it just reminded me how far I felt from being truly accepted. I was chasing this idea of belonging, but it always felt just out of reach.
My Son’s Request
A few months ago, my son came up to me with this big grin on his face and said, “Dad, can we wear matching clothes today?” He wasn’t asking me to conform or to be someone I’m not. He wasn’t trying to prove anything. He just wanted to connect. He wanted to say, “You’re like me. I’m like you.” And that hit me, because it wasn’t about approval or fitting in—it was about love. It was about belonging, not through conformity, but through authenticity. I was happy to oblige.
Belonging doesn’t come from changing ourselves to fit in. It comes from embracing who we are and inviting others into that space. Whether it’s with your family, your friends, or men you admire, the most powerful thing you can say is, “You’re like me. I’m like you.” Because when you show up authentically, you give others permission to do the same.
Now, let me ask you: Where in your life are you still trying to fit into someone else’s expectations? What’s one way you can show up more authentically this week? And who in your life could you invite into a deeper connection—not by changing yourself, but by being fully you?
I choose to embrace mystery but am careful to lean into the ones that serve me most.
Last summer, I walked toward the pool at the YMCA and came upon the most attractive man I had ever seen. At least I think he was. I’ll never know.
He had just finished his swim and passed by me heading towards the locker room. He had a strong presence.
A younger me might have followed him to discover if his body really did trump every other man’s and to find out how I measured up against his physique. But the wiser me let him pass by and remain a mystery. The questions that came to mind didn’t need to be answered.
As I continued to the pool, I was glad I could appreciate an attractive man without letting the experience take up too much space in my mind. God makes beautiful people. That’s cool. And I get to enjoy a swim on a sunny day like I had planned.
Keeping an open posture allowed the man to come in and out of my life without derailing my afternoon. I could be inspired rather than obsessed. I didn’t need to know how big his legs were, his percentage of body fat, how symmetrical his profile was, or how I compared. He was as he should be and so was I.
Mystery is a part of life. It’s woven into our experiences, our relationships, and our faith. But how we approach it makes all the difference. Some mysteries are traps—they pull us into obsession, comparison, or fear. Others are invitations—they call us to grow, to trust, and to live more fully alive. In this post, I’ll explore both.
Mysteries to Avoid
That experience is an example of a mystery to let lie. There are mysteries that, if we chase them, can lead us away from who we’re meant to be. These are the questions that don’t serve us, the ones that keep us stuck in cycles of doubt or distraction. For example:
What does that person think of me?
How do I measure up to someone else?
What do the parts of that man I can’t see look like?
What would it be like to live out a fantasy?
Am I missing out by not being in the gay lifestyle?
These questions might feel compelling at the moment, but they rarely lead to peace. Instead, they pull us into overthinking, shame, compromise, or even self-sabotage. When we try to solve these mysteries, we’re not really seeking truth—we’re seeking validation, control, or escape. And that’s not where freedom lives. It takes courage and commitment to let go of the fear of man and fear of missing out.
Take the guy at the pool, for example. I could have followed him, trying to uncover every detail about him and how I measured up. But what would that have accomplished? It wouldn’t have brought me peace. It would have distracted me from my own life, my own purpose.
Instead, I chose to let that mystery remain unsolved. I acknowledged it, appreciated it, and then let it go. Some mysteries are best left as they are, so we can stay focused on what truly matters.
Mysteries to Lean Into
The mysteries that are worth exploring—the ones that invite us to grow, to connect, and to trust—are the mysteries that align with our values and our faith. Consider these:
The mystery of God’s love and grace. We’ll never fully understand it, but we can spend our lives exploring it, experiencing it, and sharing it with others.
The mystery of relationships. Whether it’s with a spouse, a friend, or even ourselves, there’s always more to learn, more to discover, and more ways to grow in love and understanding.
The mystery of our purpose. We might not always know exactly where God is leading us, but we can trust that He’s guiding us toward something good.
Leaning into these doesn’t mean we’ll always have clear answers. It means we’re willing to live with the questions, to trust the process, and to find joy in the journey.
For me, confident guys were always a mystery. I didn’t know how they were comfortable expressing themselves and moving through life with a sense of certainty. Women were commonplace. I was familiar with them, having a sister and no brothers, and was more comfortable around them.
Part of my journey has been owning my identity as a man and becoming open to seeing women as mysterious. When I met my wife, there was something about her I wanted to know more. I got drawn in to who she was and what it could look like for us to be a couple. After 13 years of marriage, I still want to know her more, the good and the bad.
My wife is someone I get to learn more about every day. I don’t have her all figured out—and that’s a good thing. It keeps me curious, engaged, and committed. The same is true of my faith. I’ll never uncover everything about God or the gospel, but I know that leaning into that mystery has brought me more peace and purpose than I could have imagined.
Living with Mystery
Here’s the thing: living with mystery requires faith. Faith that we don’t need to have all the answers to live a meaningful life. Faith that God is in control, even when we don’t understand His plan. Faith that in Christ we are enough, just as we are, without needing to prove ourselves or answer every question that comes our way.
When we embrace mystery in this way, we free ourselves from the need to control everything. We stop chasing validation or certainty, and we start living with openness, curiosity, and trust.
This doesn’t mean we ignore the hard questions or avoid the challenges in our lives. It means we approach them with a sense of wonder and possibility. Instead of asking, “What if my unwanted attractions never go away?” we can ask, “How is this an opportunity to grow?” Instead of asking, “How do I measure up?” we can ask, “How can I show up more as who God created me to be?”
Practical Steps to Embrace Mystery
So how do we start living this way? How do we embrace mystery without getting lost in it? Here are a few practical steps:
Practice Letting Go When you catch yourself obsessing over a question that doesn’t serve you—like what someone thinks of you or what falling into a man’s arms might feel like—pause. Take a deep breath and remind yourself: “I don’t need to have all the answers. God created me on purpose and He loves me as I am. I can seek His direction for my next right action of integrity.”
Cultivate Curiosity Lean into the mysteries that inspire you. Ask questions about your faith, your relationships, and your purpose. Be curious about what God is doing in your life and where He might be leading you.
Live with Intention Instead of reacting to life, choose to live offensively. Start your day by asking: “What’s one thing I can do today to move closer to the person I want to become and the mission God has for me?”
Trust the Process Remember that growth takes time. You don’t have to have it all figured out today. Trust that God is working in your life, even when you can’t see the full picture.
A Challenge
So, here’s my challenge to you: What’s one mystery you can let go of this week? Maybe it’s a fantasy. Maybe it’s the urge to compare yourself to someone else. Whatever it is, let it go. And, what is one mystery you can lean into, that brings you closer to God, to others, and to a future of purpose and possibility?
Because life isn’t about solving every mystery—it’s about living fully in the ones that matter most.
Mystery of the Gospel
Finally, I want to take this opportunity to share plainly the mystery of the gospel.
I believe the Bible is the standard for truth, and it tells us something incredible: that God sent His son, Jesus, to reconcile us to Himself. Our sin created a separation between us and God, but in His love, He sent Jesus to live a perfect life and sacrifice Himself so we could be united with Him again. When we confess Jesus as our Lord and Savior and turn away from our sins, we receive forgiveness, avoid the punishment of sin, and step into eternal life with God. It’s a truth that’s both simple and mysterious—and that’s what makes it so beautiful. If you’ve never placed your trust in Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, I encourage you to reflect on that today. It could be the most important decision of your life.
Also, if you’d like some practical tools to reduce the intensity of unwanted same-sex attractions that can often feel compelling and mysterious, watch the recording of my masterclass about it, at ownyouridentitynow.com/masterclass.
I am creating this post to honor my dad, honor me, and honor our story together. I’ll highlight the impact of abuse, the power of forgiveness, and the sovereignty of God. I am glad to invite you into more of my story. Whether you have been deeply hurt or have hurt others deeply, I want you to know you’re not alone.
Note: This post, which includes mention of sexual abuse and suicide, may trigger strong emotion. If this is you, feel free to reach out to me or someone else to process it. I am grateful to be in a place where I can reflect on my abuser without anger, but if you have been abused, I want to honor wherever you may be in your healing journey. Trust me, I have gotten angry at my dad many times and likely will again. I’ve cried a lot.
***
When I was seven years old, I told my mom, “I hate Dad.” He was a force I could never match. He consistently broke my spirit.
She replied, “You’re not supposed to hate your dad.” That comment stumped me. I thought to myself, “But I do.”
I hated him for coming into my bed at night and using me in ways I didn’t understand.
I hated him for overpowering me with his physical strength.
I hated him for shutting me out emotionally in response to trivial things.
I hated him most for inspiring the lies that I didn’t have a voice, a right to my body, a certainty that someone had my back, or unique value to offer the world.
When I sang a song on a road trip, he sang it louder until my voice drowned out. When I showed excitement for writing, photography, art, computers, math, and more, he communicated “good luck.” When I voiced my discomfort with his sinful touch, he withdrew all affection. When we wrestled, I got squished.
Squished is a good description of what I felt most often with him. I was small. And I was alone.
***
My dad felt the same as a child. His father didn’t know what to do with his oldest son who was sensitive and disinterested in watching the multiple football games playing across two TVs in the living room every Sunday.
On a day my grandfather had tickets to a live game, he heard a scream through the front window. He walked outside to see blood gushing from my dad’s cheek that was ripped open by a branch as he fell from a tree.
“What were you doing?” his father said. “Now we’re going to miss the game.” My dad looked up in pain at the disappointment and anger in his father’s eyes. The anger that was present despite the rip in my dad’s face.
My dad shared that story when I asked where the long scar on his cheek came from. The shameful scar which reminded my dad he was a bother every time he looked in the mirror. He was deficient and wrong.
And if he lacked further evidence of that, he could focus on the story he told himself about his same-sex attractions. They were a part of his life he had to keep hidden. He could never be fully known.
***
He believed he was different. When his dad described the intimate details of the affair he was having, my dad, who was navigating puberty and focused on guys, could not relate. Something must be wrong with him.
When he stood at attention in the navy, he hoped his uniform and stoic face would hide his attractions.
After he felt a genuine call to the ministry and brought his family across the country to Dallas for seminary, he was disappointed when his attractions didn’t diminish as he immersed himself in the study of God’s word.
When he was overwhelmed by the politics he experienced when pastoring a small Baptist church, his secret became his solace. He retreated into his bedroom, shutting out his son, daughter, and wife to decompress with gay porn.
Just as he was puzzled by his dad’s preference for football over time with him, I never understood why my dad locked himself away from me. Whatever was on the other side of the door must have been pretty amazing. More than me.
Over time, my dad’s porn use deepened and he began acting out with guys in person. Eventually, his sins caught up with him.
When I was 14, I watched from the elevated sound booth at the back of the church as my dad tightened his grip on the pulpit to keep his hands from trembling. His voice shook. He cut the sermon short and asked a deacon to close in prayer. Before it ended, my dad was out the church doors, never to return. From a sea of confused faces milling about the foyer, a woman stopped me and said, “There’s something wrong with your dad.” I wanted to defend him but had no clue what to do. Our life would change forever.
***
My sister and I stayed with friends for a week while my parents took a road trip. He wanted to put distance between him and the pain. He tried to explain his attractions to my mom. “It’s like electricity going through my body,” he said. “I don’t know what to do.” He cried in her arms.
He checked himself into a mental hospital and joined a 12-step group. He became open about his struggles and pain. His example would be a gift to me when I had a nervous breakdown at the end of college and was encouraged by him to begin recovery work. I give him credit for that.
My mom stayed by his side. She didn’t know what else to do. I watched her waste away with anxiety, drinking Ensure to intake calories. My sister got her license and was out late each night. My dad’s door began to close again. I was alone.
No longer able to live in the parsonage and unable to afford a house in the same town which had become affluent over the years, we moved into an apartment in the city. I entered ninth grade knowing no one.
I was a shell walking into the windowless school. I put on my protective smile and ensured my hair was in place. It landed me a spot at the popular table at lunch. But I sat with nothing to say, amazed at the carefree spirits of the other students. The guys who exuded confidence especially intrigued me. How was that possible? I didn’t last at that table a week.
Guys became a mystery to me as they had to my dad. When I neared high school graduation and a classmate said he wanted to kiss me, I felt the same electricity my dad had described.
***
Throughout college, my dad and I had an off and on relationship. Afterward, as I came to grips with the abuse I experienced and received support, I decided I wanted to actively work to deepen and restore our relationship. I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. But the abuse was a wall. A big wall we never discussed.
In a support group for male survivors of abuse, I had an opportunity to role play confronting my dad. I received strength and care from the group and made plans to meet my dad at a park.
I waited with trepidation until we stood face to face. Then, I shared everything I could remember with him in detail. I shared how I felt and how I believed it impacted my beliefs about myself, God, and how I showed up in the world. He owned it all, was sorrowful, and shared other examples of neglect he was sorry for. That was a big step for both of us. Afterward, we connected more often. While I still kept it surface level, I enjoyed a more relaxed relationship.
***
Several months later, he called to get my opinion on something. He said, “Jason, I’d like to hang out with gay people. I want to express that side of myself.” I was caught off guard and asked him to tell me more. He felt something was missing from his life. He wanted to let his guard down and just be himself.
He and I were both navigating our same-sex attractions. I wanted marriage with a woman but wasn’t sure how it would be possible due to my lack of arousal. He had a marriage that didn’t satisfy him. During that year, I joined a support group for guys who desired to live according to values and goals that weren’t in line with their same-sex attractions. My parents ended their marriage of 36 years to allow my dad to live a gay lifestyle.
I grieved the loss of my family as I had always known it, as imperfect as it was. I expressed my hurt to my dad. I told him I loved him but I also told him I felt abandoned. I needed to say that to keep a wall from being built in my heart.
My dad entered the lifestyle and was happy. He told me he felt closer to God than he ever had. He could breathe. But the euphoria was short-lived. He withdrew and turned away from the faith. “How could a god who made me this way condemn me for it,” he said.
***
Soon, he went dark. He bought an RV and lived with his partner at various campsites and parks in the area. He changed his phone number and email. He vanished from social media. We had no way to contact him. I would see the back of him at the mall but realize once he turned that it wasn’t him. I questioned whether it would hurt less if he was dead. At least then I’d know his disappearance wasn’t a choice.
Three months before he died at the age of 69 he reached out to me. He was hurting. Panic attacks were frequent. He apologized for breaking contact and wanted to talk with me every day. He came to the house to visit my wife and daughter and didn’t rush off. He shared his renewed belief in Christ.
He invited me to spend the day at Six Flags amusement park with him. That was our safe place together as a family growing up. He was always happy there and we were too.
We carpooled from my house. Because he was a big man, I assumed we would drive in his truck. He opted to fit himself into my 2-door sports car. He was glad to let me take the wheel.
We enjoyed walking the park. We rode side by side in the old-time cars. We shared a funnel cake, our favorite.
But while we latched into the seats of the Titan roller coaster, bracing for the steepest drop in the park, he felt a sharp pain in his jaw. He had recently drained some of his limited savings having work done on it. His mind went to the unknown depth of expense which may be incurred again. His mood changed.
He was somber as we waited in line for another ride. He said something unexpected.
“Jason, leaving your mom was the worst decision I’ve made in my life,” he said.
I didn’t know what to say except “I’m sorry.” I gave him a big hug. “That’s got to be so hard dad.”
***
Over the next two weeks his panic attacks increased. He shared concerns over money. His boyfriend, Chan, and I sat across from him in their tiny living room and assured him we would take care of him. He shook his head.
Days later, I got a call from his neighbor. “Jason, you need to go to the hospital.”
When I arrived, I learned he was sedated in an operating room as they stitched his neck and wrists. They placed charcoal in his stomach to counteract the bottle of Wellbutrin he had ingested.
He never came to.
***
We went with his boyfriend and gathered some of his belongings. We opened cupboards filled with porn. Apparently, it was still a solace.
His partner shared the details of his final day of life. Something was off with the way my dad said goodbye that morning, lingering in the doorway as Chan left for work. He cut his workday short and returned home.
My dad was surprised to see him. Standing with a red knife in his hand, he said, “I have to die. I’ll be broke in a month.” “That’s not true,” Chan said before running next door to get their neighbor. We had wanted dad to believe he wasn’t alone. That we had his back. But he didn’t believe us. Or he believed he didn’t deserve our help. He had hurt a lot of people. Who knows.
***
My dad did hurt people. But so have I. My dad reached for lesser things. So have I. My dad remembered that Christ reaches for us and is the only one who can make us whole. That is true for all of us.
I miss him. I missed him being here when my son was born, when I started my coaching business, and when I’ve taken my family to Six Flags. I want my messy dad back into my messy life.
Whether you have been deeply hurt or have hurt others deeply, I want you to know you’re not alone.
Thank you for honoring me and my dad by reading our story.
Images of guys still draw my attention. I recently typed “man lying in bed” into Adobe iStock to find a blog feature photo, expecting the results to be PG. Suggestive imagery was scattered in the results. I wanted to linger but closed the browser.
I was bummed that I was drawn to the men on the screen but chose to get curious instead of discouraged. Why was staring so appealing? I walked myself through the mindfulness process we practice in my coaching course. It provides greater awareness of the physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts that arise in an instant. Pulling them apart to view them productively empowers me to take intentional action.
When the images popped up, my heart rate quickened and my shoulders tightened. I recognized excitement, anticipation, and fear. The intensity was a nice change of pace from my lonely evening. I also felt sadness and a nostalgic warmth in my chest.
Noting my experience reminded me that my emotions and thoughts are not who I am. I am the one who observes them and gets to decide what intentional thoughts and emotions I want to generate.
When considering my thoughts, I knew my emotional reactions which the thoughts inspired weren’t in response to the images themselves but to the story I was telling myself about them. That story manifested as statements and questions which flashed across the screen of my mind.
I observed my initial thoughts without judging either them or myself.
Some automatic thoughts included:
“These guys are hot.”
“They are warm and inviting.”
“I want their muscles and smooth skin.”
“They want me.”
“If I looked like that, what would I feel?”
“What do the parts of their body I don’t see look like?”
“I miss looking at naked guys.”
“I’m scared I’m going to linger lustfully.”
“This is annoying.”
When I looked at that list, I considered beliefs which may have influenced the thoughts.I recognized my lingering belief that the images had much to offer me, such as comfort, confidence, acceptance, and aliveness.
Then, I took control.
I talked to myself, rather than listened to myself. I chose these thoughts:
“I have better things to do with my time than scroll these images.”
“They don’t have anything to offer me.”
“What my mind and body want me to do is give myself over to the guys on the screen. I belong to God, my wife, and myself.”
“While these guys are mysterious to me, I’m okay with some mystery. I don’t have to let curiosity rule.”
“I don’t mind that I find guys attractive. No big deal. That doesn’t need to get in the way of the life I want to live.”
To help activate and empower those thoughts, I personified my unwanted attraction and was loving towards it, while asserting my will. I said, “Attraction, thank you for your input. I can see you are trying to help me out, showing me a way you believe I can receive comfort and aliveness. You’re right, I do admire guys – their presence, appearance, and confidence. But what you are offering is not good enough for me. I’ve got big dreams and strong values that require different actions. Your voice is loud right now, but it doesn’t mean it is best. I’ll need you to stand down. I care about you, but I need some space.”
Those new thoughts inspired empowering emotions. Instead of excitement and fear, I felt love and peace. My heart rate slowed and my shoulders softened. I breathed deeper.
As a result, I was inspired to write this to share with you, thank God for his many blessings, text my wife, and message friends. When compared to staring at pixels on my computer screen, those actions felt expansive. I was reminded how much I love my life.
Have you felt excitement, anticipation, and fear when presented with an unhealthy choice? Are you able to consider your thoughts and emotions without judging them, empowering you to take intentional action? Take time to get curious. You are wroth it.
Ken Williams, co-founder of Changed Movement, said, “You’ll never experience unconditional love until you first share your condition.”
Here is what that means to me:
When we are honest with God about our sin and grief, our felt experience of his unconditional love deepens. When we share our pain with others, we invite their healing embrace.
For much of my life, I’ve viewed my condition as either a good guy who occasionally does bad things or a broken man who deserves to be punished. Both compel me to hide. And both stress me out.
And I miss out.
Here’s the truth: I have a heart that is sick with sin. The more I acknowledge the depth of my sin, the greater my appreciation for God’s love for me as his adopted son. I allow myself to feel the depth of my sin because I want to feel greater depths of his love and peace.
I don’t want to convince myself that my heart is just a little sick with sin. I’ll share honestly that I’ve objectified men and used them for my selfish gratification, lashed out in anger, told myself I’m worthless, lied straight-faced, and judged others for doing the same.
But I can speak to God the words Chris Tomlin beautifully penned: “You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.”
And I can listen for His response:
“Jason, I have examined your heart and know everything about you. I discern your thoughts from afar. I am acquainted with all your ways. Trust me, there is nowhere you can go to hide from my love. Come to me in your weariness and I will provide rest for your soul.”
That is what my heart longs to hear.
Is there a greater depth of God’s love you’d like to feel? Confess sin you’ve been holding back to him. Would you like to invite the embrace of others? Take a redemptive risk and share your true condition with them.
My wife and kids were out of the house and I had gone to bed early. It had been a long day. As I laid my head on the pillow an image came to mind. A strong, attractive man, half dressed, was leaning back in a chair facing me. I felt he was inviting me towards him.
“Argh,” I thought. “I just want to go to sleep. Now I’m gonna have to fight off this image.”
But I decided I wasn’t going to let that image determine my night. I considered how I might counsel a client and a question came to mind: “How is this man like me?”
He was strong. Me too. I recalled the strength it took to share my SSA and abuse story on the internet and the impact that act of courage has had. What a gift.
He was attractive. Me too. I care for my body, walk with confidence, and bring positive energy to the room. I’m a good steward of the talents and identity God has given me.
He was inviting. So am I. I invite men to share their stories with me – their pain, challenges, and dreams. It’s a blessing.
I looked back on my day. I saw that I had not felt strong, attractive, or inviting. I reflected on what was true about me.
This annoying man who showed up in my mind became a reminder to me of my character, intention, and identity. I was grateful. I let out a healing sigh and fell asleep.
We get to decide what things mean. I had labeled this man as an annoyance. God used him as a blessing.
With the helicopter blades still whirring, the President walked out, hand on his head, to give me the best news.
“I’ve come to invite you to join me for an award ceremony in your honor,” he said loudly.
I pointed to my chest. “Me?” My mouth hung open.
He beamed yes. The blades quieted. He knelt to get on my level and explained that my stellar lawn mowing skills had been noticed and were cause for recognition. He looked to the large field I had finished trimming and waved his hand across it as evidence.
Man that felt good.
I can recall that day and see me paused alone in the field visualizing my fantasy. My parents were occupied in the house unaware of the honor I was being bestowed.
I was a boy with a big imagination, great mowing skills, and a deep desire to be seen. If the President said I was valuable, I would no longer doubt it.
I suspect I’m alone in my specific fantasy (if I’m not, please let me know!), but I know I’m in good company with others who want to be noticed, acknowledged, and celebrated. It is an innate longing.
Curt Thompson, Author of The Soul of Shame, said, “We all are born into the world looking for someone looking for us, and we remain in this mode of searching for the rest of our lives.”
Why did God create us this way?
I believe it is so we will seek his face, and upon finding it, hold his gaze.
Fortunately, God loves looking at us and rejoices over us. Zepheniah 3:17b says, “He will exult over you with loud singing.” How crazy is that?! I’ll have to take His word for it.
The next time you scan the room for someone looking back at you, whether a boss with a nod of approval, a loved one with an expression of care, or another guy with a look of longing, enjoy the certainty that God sees you, delights in you, and invites you into his presence without fail.
And if you run into the President, tell him hi for me. 😉
As a young teenager, I presented my upper lip proudly to my dad. Black hairs had sprouted.
“Dad, I’m getting a mustache,” I said.
He turned to face me. Without moving closer, my dad declared, “It’s just peach fuzz.”
What? Not true. “It’s the start of a mustache, Dad.”
I held my breath for his response.
“No, it’s peach fuzz,” he said again, closing the conversation. He turned to resume whatever was more important to him besides me.
My chest deflated.
I retreated to the bathroom mirror. My few black hairs were certainly there, but apparently didn’t count. My masculinity was subpar.
That memory got filed away. As I recall it now, my shoulders slump and my chest tightens.
I have allowed events and resulting beliefs such as that to hold me back from showing up fully in life. To make the most of this life God has entrusted me with, I now use them to my advantage. I want my past to fuel my journey rather than drain my energy and enthusiasm.
But recalling and writing about the “peach fuzz” interaction just pissed me off. This article I planned to post last week got delayed because I was stumped on what good could come from the exchange with my father so long ago.
I was angry and sad. I decided to let those emotions put my optimism on pause. I took the weekend to acknowledge, accept, and honor those feelings. Returning to complete this article I find that sitting in those uncomfortable feelings has given me a jumpstart on formulating the following list of opportunities. I hope it will benefit you.
How can we let our past work for us rather than against us? Here are some ways:
Step into our power
In recalling this event, I felt anger. I leaned into it. My dad was irresponsible with my heart. I was worth more of his time and care. His words hurt me. The lies Satan offered me in that vulnerable state handicapped me. Enough! It’s my life and I am taking it back.
Increase certainty
My dad’s words confused me. I was told the evidence I saw in the mirror of my masculinity didn’t exist. I know that exiting confusion and living from the truth requires confidence and courage. In doing so, I am forced to take greater ownership of my identity. That’s a good thing.
Grieve
Grief can be scary. But I’ve become acquainted with it enough to know it leads to strength, joy, and peace. I let myself feel sad. I allowed my preferred version of the scene to enter my mind. I grieved its absence. I shared my grief with others. My spirit is more settled and hopeful.
Encounter Jesus
I can rewrite the scene and include Christ as the protagonist. I picture him standing behind me as my dad dismisses me. When I turn from my dad, Jesus’ presence stops me in my tracks. He bends until eye level with me, and says, “Yep, that’s gonna be a good ‘stache.” I fall into Him.
Connect
While leading a group coaching call this week, I shared this “peach fuzz” story. The men empathized with me and shared similar stories. I was seen and affirmed and had the opportunity to do the same for them.
Forgive
I get to forgive my dad. Not as a requirement, but as an opportunity, and without a timeline. I don’t need to rush it. As an adult, I wanted to forgive my dad for his acts of abandonment and asked God to do it in me. Weeks later, I woke up with the thought, “I wonder how my dad is doing today.” I took that as evidence of God’s work of forgiveness in my heart. I felt peace and joy. It’s a process, but that morning was a milestone.
Love myself
Younger Jason in that scene is still with me. He desires to be seen, acknowledged, and affirmed. I get to do that. I can ask Younger Jason to share the excitement he felt when noticing the change in his face as well as his disappointment with his dad’s response. I can say to him, “Tell me more.” I can stand behind him as he studies his reflection, hands on his shoulders, and tell him he’s got what it takes.
There are many experiences in life I could do without. While I can’t change the past, I can use it. It takes work, but you are worth it.
Have you felt stuck by a past experience, allowing it to dictate your actions and tell you what’s possible? How can you use it to your advantage?
This question began a conversation which played on repeat in my head. It started when I walked into the gym, the boardroom, or the sanctuary. I silently asked it of my coach, boss, and pastor.
I couldn’t shake it.
It formed in my mind when someone spotted me on the bench press, as I shared a design concept to my team, and each time I considered voicing my same-sex attractions.
It stuck because it was more than a question. It was a declaration. Each time I asked it, I was actively telling myself I was inadequate, inferior, and unqualified. Those lies embedded deeper.
These three actions took the power out of it. Now, it rarely surfaces.
I decided to believe that what God says about me is true.
I let the question arise without attaching to it.
I chose different questions.
God made me. What he makes is very good. He has given me all I need for life and godliness. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
I choose to believe those truths before walking into a room. I’ll bring them to mind, knowing they won’t always feel true. I’ll observe contradictory thoughts and questions and let them hang out without pushing them aside, while aligning my posture and intention with the truth.
And while I can’t always help the automatic questions that pop into my head, I can choose to silently ask different ones. I like these:
“You’re for me, aren’t you?”
“How can we succeed together? What can we create?”
“What are you needing right now?”
Finally, if none of that works, I’ll let the pesky question trigger me to turn to God and direct the question to him. I’ll get a resounding “No.” Whether it feels true or not, I’ll have seen His face and heard his voice.
Taking these actions will be a gift to others. They will enjoy the certainty I’ll bring to the room rather than an air of self-doubt. I’ll be primed to assure them of their worth and give them permission to set aside that common question. I’ll be open to the blessings they want to give me, not cheating them the opportunity.
Can you relate? What question do you want to ask instead of that automatic one?
“It’s that jacket you always wear,” my classmate replied.
Huh. My jacket.
My faux leather jacket I thought made me so cool was apparently a dead giveaway about my sexual inclinations and a determiner of my orientation. What a powerful piece of my wardrobe!
I don’t remember the rest of that interaction from college, but I didn’t leave it feeling empowered. I definitely wasn’t encouraged to take ownership of my identity. My favorite jacket became a straitjacket.
The name for my coaching business, Own Your Identity, has two meanings.The first and deepest meaning is to own who we are in Christ. To internalize it and request God’s power to live out of it. That is the foundation for growth and flourishing.
The second meaning is to own our sexual identity.
The truth is, other people, my feelings, and my wardrobe don’t get to tell me I’m gay, what orientation to identify with, or whether I should live out of my attractions to men. I decide whether to take on labels and what actions to take.
I used to let those outside voices bother me, but now I let them empower me.
I can appreciate my other well-meaning classmates who told me I was gay and recommended I accept it, because I see their desire for me to be whole and at peace when I was clearly troubled. I can be grateful for their care and concern while allowing the interaction to remind me to seek wholeness in Christ and provide an opportunity to clarify my values.
A culture which celebrates a multitude of sexual expressions can remind me to celebrate the truth of who I am in Christ, and how he designed my body to work and my life to flourish.
I can empathize with people who are uncomfortable with the unknown, want things tied neatly in bows, and don’t know what to do with someone who has attractions to guys but truly desires something else. I can choose to be comfortable being uncomfortable and enjoy practicing the faith required to not settle for a quick solution.
In response to the narrative that a life of misery is the fate of men who have attractions to guys but don’t embrace a gay identity, I can take peace knowing that as I give myself permission to make my own decisions, stay open to all possibilities, and walk courageously the road I am inspired to take, even if it feels uneasy, I am telling myself that I am strong and courageous and my future is not yet written. That brings life. And heck, I can change my mind whenever I want.
The arousal in my body and romantic feelings I’ve experienced towards other guys can beinformation rather than a declaration. I decide what to do with them. I’ve got options: I can act in alignment with my automatic attractions, I can let them hang out while I go about my day, or I can get curious about them, considering they may have a message for me, and invite God into the conversation and seek the counsel of others.
I can also acknowledge times I acted opposite of my values, but those actions don’t get to tell me what is true about me either and they don’t need to determine my next actions.
On a lighter note, I can enjoy being sharply dressed, knowing that I alone get to own my identity!
And better than any jacket, I can allow myself to be wrapped in God’s confident embrace. The one who breathed life into me and whose name all creation whispers.
All my life, I’ve admired men who exhibit this quality: a confident sense of purpose.
It was a mystery to me how someone could show up fully present, comfortable in their own skin, clear on who they are, focused on a purpose, and not shy to express it.
I aspired to be steady, certain, and confident. What I knew was doubt, worry, and timidity.
When I looked at men who exhibited the qualities I aspired to, this is what I saw:
The opposite of me.
Their presence reminded me of what I believed I lacked.
I allowed admiration to trigger self-doubt. A disempowering cycle developed: Self-doubt fueled my hunger for approval. This heightened my focus on the men I admired, triggering more self-doubt, on repeat.
I was stuck.
It wasn’t my admiration that was the problem – it was what I allowed the object of my admiration to mean about me. Their steadiness told me I was unsure. Their certainty told me I doubted. Their confidence told me I lacked it.
In time, I learned to let the men I was attracted to remind me of my own strength, certainty, and purpose. When I see a man who appears to have a confident sense of purpose, I now say “I’m like him. And because I am a man of strength and purpose in Christ, I choose to grow.” I let other men be an inspiration to build upon my positive qualities rather than tear myself down.
When you see someone you admire, what do you say to yourself?
If you say, “I don’t measure up. I’m not like them,” try switching it for, “They inspire me to be better. How can I grow?”
The fact that I was created to make a unique mark in the world didn’t feel true.
Between you and me, one of my favorite songs features female vocals by a fox dressed in a green alien costume jumping on a trampoline. There. I said it.
I give the credit to my daughters who played Sing 2 on repeat.
The best part is the lyrics. They align with my desire to live each day to the fullest.
Don’t wanna live as an untold story
Rather go out in a blaze of glory
I wanna taste love and pain
Wanna feel pride and shame
I don’t wanna take my time
Don’t wanna waste one line
I wanna live better days
Never look back and say
It could have been me
I want to leave a legacy. I want to take steps with a confident sense of purpose towards a compelling future, and I want to feel each day along the way.
I used to believe that was a life I wasn’t qualified to live.
If I was truly authentic, people would be worse off because my brokenness would be known. If I loosened my composure, feminine mannerisms may be exposed and I could be judged as gay. If I acted like I had something unique to offer, others might have ready reasons to object.
Most of all, living fully and authentically just felt wrong. When I tried it, my mind and body reminded me with negative thoughts, heavy shoulders, a tight chest and shallow breathing that I was best in a supporting role with easy access to off-stage.
Now, the truth that I have unique purposes and am complete in Christ through his saving work on the cross isn’t just head knowledge. It is integrated into my being.
How did God bring me here?
My journey included a decision, followed by curiosity, vulnerability, and courage.
Before it felt true, I decided to believe that what God said about me was true.
Then, when my thoughts and feelings objected to living in alignment with truth, I got curious as to why. What was I afraid of? What was the lie I was believing? Where had the lie originated? I checked the evidence and most often found it lacking.
I vulnerably shared my insights with trusted friends and mentors. They grieved with me for the boy who was handed the lie “I am an observer,” as he was picked last in PE and sat on the bench. They saw my younger self who struggled against his father’s strength begin to believe, “I don’t have what it takes.” I borrowed their courage and felt their love when they said “me too” and “it’s going to be okay.”
Then, I took more redemptive risks. I let go of my limiting stories of the past and vividly imagined the future I felt God calling me to and allowed myself to feel the emotion of it. I aligned my current actions with the version of myself I envisioned in that future scene. And I realized I was that person all along.
Eventually, as I consistently lived aligned with the truth, my mind and body began getting on board. That has made life easier and allows me to focus my energy on living the life of impact and service God has for me.
And I choose to love it all. The joy, the grief, the shame, the tears, the hope, and the triumph. And I invite you to as well.
As a bonus, I’ll set an example of being courageously authentic by letting you know I don’t just love the lyrics to the song “It Could Have Been Me,” I love the video too. 🙂
Here is the link. Beware of the tap dancing furballs in the background. They are creepy.
A few years ago, I woke up one morning with the following question on my mind: “How can I ensure nothing bad happens today?” It was a question I experienced on repeat, often subtle, but always present. That day it was more pronounced.
I looked at the day ahead and considered the coworkers, friends, and family I would interact with and how my focus on self-protection would hinder my ability to connect, be mindful of their needs, and impact their lives. I wanted more for them and for me.
I can appreciate where my high value for security came from. I was vulnerable as a kid, confused as a teenager, and stunned by a nervous breakdown prior to college graduation. I doubted that I was okay and that things were going to be okay.
After college, God did an incredible healing work in my life. He gave me the courage to face abuse, depression, unwanted same-sex attraction, and sin. He blessed me with a family to love and protect. I was steady. Life was good. And I wanted it to stay that way.
But I also had a responsibility to inspire my family, set an example of courage and responsible risk-taking, and show them what God can do when we get out of His way. I wanted to leave a legacy for them and others. I wanted the next forty years of my life to be jam packed with rich experiences, changed lives, and a gaze that was consistently turned towards Christ’s.
I knew security needed to be taken down a few rungs from the top of my value ladder. I decided to replace it with values that would give me the life I felt called to. You may make fun of me for what I did next.
I walked into my favorite coffee shop with a journal and a printed list of values. After ordering my latte, I scanned the list and ranked them 1-10. Am I the only person that does stuff like this? Maybe so. But I’m glad I did.
Here was the list:
Love
Success
Freedom
Intimacy
Security
Adventure
Power
Passion
Comfort
Health
When I read them, security felt dull compared to the rest. Adventure and passion had flashing lights around them and little signs saying “pick me!”
So I did.
I cleared them with God and considered them daily.
I began raising my hand to take on new opportunities. I spoke up more often. I saw obstacles as stepping stones to new levels of adventure. And last year, when the idea entered my mind to create content for men experiencing unwanted same-sex attraction, I acted on it rather than dismissing it.
Since then, God has prompted me to step out more publicly with my story, coach men who are allowing their unwanted attractions or lesser desires to hold them back, and collaborate with other counselors and coaches. I have consistently said yes and I’m having a blast.
Are there any values that no longer serve you? Consider how you want your life to look in the years to come, take inventory of your values, try on some new ones, and let God take it from there.
We don’t need to wait for us or our circumstances to change before allowing ourselves to feel good, accept ourselves and love life. In fact, waiting for those things is a hindrance to our growth. It has been for me in my journey.
I used to believe feeling good was dependent on outside forces. I remember wanting a guy to befriend me so I could not just be accepted but to feel acceptable. I wanted to be more muscular not just to be physically stronger but to feel like a strong person. I hoped my unwanted same-sex attractions would go away and opposite-sex attractions would grow not just so it might be easier to develop a relationship with a woman but so I could feel capable of one.
It was fine to want friends, a stronger body, and romantic feelings towards women, but often what I wanted more was the feeling I believed those things would give me. Life would be more enjoyable if I felt acceptable, strong, and capable. I would no longer have to feel alone, weak, and unqualified. I would do almost anything to avoid those feelings. I didn’t realize that I could choose to feel empowered whenever I wanted, regardless of external circumstances, my achievements, or whatever my default thoughts and emotions were telling me.
I remember getting invited to dinner with some other freshman guys from my dorm. They joked around as we walked to a popular hangout, and when we entered, they confidently raised their voices to hear each other over the crowd. I was quiet when we were walking and overwhelmed when we got to the packed restaurant. I wanted to feel at ease, confident, and free but I didn’t know how.
So my brain made some suggestions. First, it raised the question, “If these guys feel confident and free and I don’t, what do they have that I don’t possess which allows them to feel that way?” (If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll spot that as a flawed question). Then, my brain began taking an inventory: The other guys were bigger than me, always had something to say, and didn’t break eye contact when a girl looked their way. They didn’t doubt that they belonged there.
I felt overwhelmed, alone, intimidated, and discouraged. But if developing the qualities they had is what it would take for me to feel confident, worthy, and comfortable, I was all in. The problem is by focusing on that list of perceived shortcomings, I was telling myself that feeling good, accepting myself, and enjoying life in the moment had requirements for entry that I hadn’t met. At the time, I was blind to that being a lie.
I was in the habit of living that way. I collected standards and expectations of myself to achieve in the future so that I could enjoy the present. But I never reached the end of the list. I was constantly raising the bar and adding more items. I wasn’t experiencing life. I was in a holding pattern until I earned the right to live it fully.
When I look back on that restaurant scene, I grieve for the version of me who shortchanged himself the opportunity to enjoy a rich college experience – being a part of a group of new freshmen walking into a popular hangout filled with tons of different people and soaking it in. What could have been an evening of discovery became a place of anxiety that I wanted to escape from until I could return as a more attractive, confident and opposite-sex attracted version of me.
What I realize now is that I don’t have to wait to feel good and enjoy life. Here are a few tools I use when I find myself postponing joy and standing on the sidelines.
Tools to Live Fully Now
Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
We can all feel scared in new situations. We may feel compelled to escape. That’s okay. We don’t have to be without fear or insecurity to enjoy ourselves. We can observe the list our brain may start creating of how we don’t measure up and how we need to change. We can acknowledge our emotions, thoughts, and attractions and choose to look at them productively as they occur or save that processing for later and practice enjoying the present moment regardless. We can be uncomfortable AND choose how we want to feel and how we want to experience the moment.
The same applies to starting the growth journey of navigating unwanted same-sex attractions. It can be scary and uncomfortable to look at a part of your life you may have put effort into avoiding, but the work is worthwhile and rewarding. So, get comfortable being uncomfortable. Be ready to do some deep work, but don’t make the mistake of believing the work is a requirement to feel complete or experience a life of joy. Decide you will be grateful for life as it is, love yourself, and the process, and invite Christ into it.
Give Thanks
We can thank God for the opportunity to walk into something new, take a courageous action, and embrace vulnerability in the moment. Gratitude and fear can’t coexist.
Get Curious and Take Action
We can look at the list of requirements and expectations our mind creates and get curious about what may have inspired them. Then we can honor the healthy things we long for, choose to find evidence of their existence in our lives already, and consider how we might develop them more in God’s timing.
Impact of this Mindset
Now I can walk into an overwhelming situation and simply observe my emotions, thoughts, attractions, and my brains attempt to escape them. And while that is going on, I can also appreciate the new scene, the dynamic people in it, and enjoy the possibility that something really cool could happen when I step into a crowd both scared and brave. And I can love it all.
When I begin coaching someone who feels overwhelmed by same-sex attractions, I invite them to look at their life, the good and the bad, what they are both satisfied with and what they don’t like and decide to love it all. Growth is a never-ending process. If we don’t choose to love ourselves and life at the beginning of our growth journey, we won’t know how to love them once we are further along the path. Also, there is no better motivator than love.
Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This can apply to accepting our circumstances and progress along our growth journey also. Doing deep personal work from a place of joy, strength, acceptance, and love will propel you further and make the process more enjoyable, even when moving through grief, hurt, and loss.
Embracing this mindset allows me to enjoy the present moment and confidently engage in the hard work of personal growth and change. I know that life doesn’t wait—and neither should we. God has given us His presence to enjoy now, gifts to be shared now, and his gospel to be spread now.
Are you in the habit of waiting until you or circumstances look different before allowing yourself to feel good and love life? If so, continue the work of sanctification and growth, but receive God’s love now, just as you are. Strive towards a better tomorrow, but love God’s gift of today. Get in the habit of it.
Evidence of the Gospel
Finally, when I think of how easy it is to create a list of things to do before we can allow ourselves to embrace life, it reminds me of the power of the gospel. The Bible says that “While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” He doesn’t give us any prerequisites to meet before coming to Him to invite His fullness of joy and radical love into our life. Let’s follow His example and treat ourselves the same way as we live this beautiful and messy life He allows us to walk.
If you listen to or read my testimony, you will have a picture of the day during my fine arts class freshman year of college when I had the largest sexualized attraction to a guy in my life. I believe my body and mind were telling me that connecting physically with my classmate was the answer to my nagging questions, “Am I okay and will everything be okay?” The problem was, I didn’t want to be sexual with him.
Those strong sensations and emotions were evidence of the sexual attraction and romantic feelings I experienced toward guys. But what evidence was there of the desires I consider to be authentically me?
Last weekend, I rediscovered my portfolio of drawings from architecture school and opened it to share with my kids. I hadn’t looked at it in twenty years and had forgotten it included my final project from that fine arts class. My drawings illustrated scenes I found intriguing and mysterious at the time. I’ve included photos of them below.
A young man and woman walk along a quiet street, hand-in-hand. His steps are confident and sure. He squeezes her hand when they catch a glimpse between the mid-rise buildings of changing lights pulsing to faint music.
She is just stunning. Her flowing dress hangs delicately from her smooth shoulders. She catches his gaze and smiles. She turns her attention to the upcoming scene and this time she is the one to squeeze his hand.
They enjoy a magical night. On the dance floor, her hand rests on his shoulder and his solid grip steadies her waist. He moves toward her. She steps backwards, trusting this man who knows who he is and the life he can offer her.
I wanted to be that man who had a strong frame for a woman to steady herself against. I wanted to walk with a mesmerizing woman, knowing there would always be something more to discover about her.
That was my true desire. My sexualized attachments to guys weren’t something to ignore, but they didn’t deserve to dim or disqualify the beautiful vision I enjoyed bringing to life on paper.
If I could speak to my younger self who had no clue how to move forward with his desires in conflict, I would say, “Love your vision. Don’t hold back from imagining the life you want in vivid detail. Allow yourself that pleasure. Your other desires won’t hurt you. They are present but not powerful. Let them be something you gain strength by learning from. At the same time, move towards the life you want without hesitation. I’m here for you. You’ve got this.”
The psalmist said “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.”
It is easy for me to agree with that verse intellectually, but it is not always my felt belief. I scroll social media, stare into the refrigerator, ruminate on mistakes, and do plenty of other things that don’t align with my true satisfaction and desire to be in His presence.
I want this to be the reflex of my mind, body, and emotions when a challenge or temptation arises: to reflect on His goodness and reach out for His hand. I want my first impulse to be turning towards His face and stepping into His presence rather than seek flattery from a stranger, images on a screen, or fleeting pleasures.
In a moment of overwhelm, loneliness, or hurt, I can FEEL certain that porn or a sexual encounter is the antidote. At times, my whole being has seemed to say, “Dude, porn is next the right move. What are you waiting for?” But that is not what I want.
I desire a sustained feeling of certainty that God is what is best. I want that truth to be deeply embedded in me. If you ask me if He is best, I hope to blurt out, “Oh man, don’t get me started! The answer is yes, yes, and yes!” I desire that more than anything.
I am convinced that believing in the core of who you are that God is better is key to moving beyond your unwanted attractions and taming your triggers. It has to be more than knowing God is best. It’s a truth that must permeate us.
Here are some strategies that have worked for me to embed that truth:
Observe Yourself
I read the story of the Fall and want to grab Adam and Eve by the shoulders and say, “Are y’all crazy?? Look at this place! You’ll trade it for one apple?” Picturing that scene reinforces to me that God’s presence trumps whatever shiny object catches my attention. It is so obvious when looking in from the outside.
I can take a moment to step out of my scene of struggle and observe it. I can see myself closing up and getting tunnel vision on a single solution. I can have compassion for myself. Then I can wave to get my attention, smile, and motion towards freedom.
Use Pleasure and Pain to Your Advantage
As humans, we are naturally driven to avoid pain and seek pleasure. We draw our hand quickly from a hot stove. We reach for a cold glass of water on a summer day.
But I’ve often gotten pain and pleasure backwards when it comes to my quiet time with God. Time with Him has felt dry while porn has been immersive.
If you are in that place, take time to put the facts on paper. Write out the pain that negative habits and choices have brought you. Write the pleasures God promises us when entering His presence. Compare your lists. Meditate on the truth and ask Him to make it feel more real to you. Review your list when you are presented with a choice and ensure you are assigning pleasure and pain to your options correctly.
Know it’s a Matter of Life and Death
No, someone is not likely to find you lifeless at the keyboard in the morning after a bout with porn. But it is helpful to believe that no life is found through the screen or in the arms of an illicit lover. Not even a little bit of life.
The enemy tells me my negative habits and sinful desires have something to offer me. I believe him and then engage my willpower to push them away. But it’s not the porn or object of my lust I should be fighting. It’s the lie that those things are of benefit that I need to hold up to the truth.
Sin is lifeless. God is life. In His presence is fullness of joy. In Him, our cup overflows. A day in His courts is truly better than a thousand elsewhere.
“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!” Deuteronomy 30:19
What is Holding You back?
Consider what hindrances you are experiencing to believing God is what is best. In my life, I have believed He was disinterested or disappointed in me. I have allowed shame to hold me back from entering His presence and opening to Him. The solution wasn’t to impress Him or do less things I was ashamed of. My next right step was to rest in Him.
The next time a challenge or disappointment arises and you are presented with the choice between God’s presence and something lesser, choose His courts. Choose His goodness and His face. Choose His mercy and grace. Choose life. Invite Him to be your go-to response.
I believe the greatest driver of unwanted same-sex attractions is a belief and feeling of separateness. In my life, I believed I was separate from other guys and masculinity as a whole. I was often out of touch with my power and purpose. And even while a believer, I have felt separate from God’s favor and protection. But no matter what we feel, Paul’s words to the church in Rome are true: “…nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.”
Jesus’ prayer for us prior to going to the cross gives me confidence to come to Him, even when I feel undeserving. He says:
“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23)
Wow! That is incredible. To be united with the God of the universe. Can it be true? How is that possible when I often feel disconnected from people nearby who I can see and touch?
Thankfully, the truth of my unity with Christ is not dependent on my logic or feelings.
Looking back at the times I gazed at men with thoughts of inferiority or lust, I find few occurrences when I stopped to meditate deeply on my unity and completeness in Christ. When I practice that discipline now, my stupor is broken.
Can you imagine what it was like to walk with God in Eden before the Fall? The imagery of it inspires me to experience His presence more fully. The Garden was a place of unity, fellowship, innocence, provision, and life. He wants that for us now as well. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundant.”
Recently, I sought out a quiet place, took a few deep breaths, and allowed a picture of myself in Eden to come to mind:
I greeted the morning in Eden with the anticipation of walking with God. As I strolled along a stream, the grass perfectly cushioned the soles of my feet. I was mesmerized by the shimmering water I could watch all day. God was dazzling me with his beauty. I saw his strength in the tiger reclining on the bank, his joy in the daffodils with petals that glowed around the edges, and his humor in the wry smile of a monkey as it hung upside down from a tree that swelled with pure water. All creation spoke his name clearly.
And then He was beside me. He was so big. I could get lost in Him. His countenance told me he had been looking forward to walking with me as well. He said he had so much to show me. I couldn’t imagine what was next.
My mind was clear. That was the best part. No hidden thoughts or motives. No defenses, fear, or shame. It didn’t occur to me to question God’s love for me. How could I in that place? Everything was perfect and anything was possible.
I want that now. Each day. All day. His love for me is no less real or full as I walk this imperfect world. He has so much to show me, leading me by his hand as I discover it. Talk about an abundant life.
I could choose to turn towards lesser things. But why would I let go of Christ’s hand to reach for them? My attempts to feel a sense of oneness by losing myself in porn, a man’s arms, or the approval of others would fail. If I want true oneness I’ll lose myself in my big God. I’ll keep my palm in his grip and feel the squeeze of his hand telling me he is proud of my better choice. And I know it will make him smile.
He reaches his hand to you as well. I pray you will take it.
Lewis Howes, author and host of The School of Greatness podcast, said “The greatest crime we can commit is going to bed without a dream and getting up without a purpose.”
WHAT PURPOSE ARE YOU LIVING FROM?
If you asked me three years ago what my purpose was, I would say to know God and make Him known, love my wife unconditionally, and instill a love for the gospel in my children. That was my intention. But my thoughts and actions showed otherwise.
The morning alarm triggered my recurring question, “What do I need to do to ensure nothing goes wrong today?” Pretty silly when I stop to think about it. It deactivated my good intentions and reduced my purpose to self-protection.
I would scan the day ahead for potential land mines: a contractor calling with a costly issue, a high-stakes client meeting, or an emotional encounter with a loved one. My concerns filled my vision and my defensive posture closed me off from opportunity.
I argued that once I was safe I could focus on what really mattered. But ensuring self-protection became a habit. Each thought, action, and rumination that aligned with the purpose of safety reinforced it.
DEFINE YOUR PURPOSE
We are hard-wired to live purposefully. Otherwise, as minister and author Hugh Prather put it, we “rumble around… and bounce haphazardly and hopelessly off every change time brings.”
When defining your purpose, clarity is key. Craft your vision so clearly you could tell your friend who could then communicate it to someone else perfectly. When you set a clear intention, your attention and energy follow it.
God directs all believers to many common pursuits but has a unique call for each person as well. Own yours. Like eyeglasses, your unique vision requires a unique prescription. Other people won’t be looking at the world the same way you do. When I decided to pursue a woman to marry, I didn’t expect everyone who knew of my same-sex attractions to understand. They weren’t looking through my lenses.
MAKE YOUR PURPOSE A MUST
You are the WAY you are because of the WHY you are. Minister and writer Alexander Maclaren stated: “Here is the manliness of manhood: That a man has a good reason for what he does and has a will in doing it.”
Knowing God more and making Him known, loving my wife well, and instilling the gospel in my children is what I wanted to do.I actively pursued safety becauseit felt like the thing I must do.
Safety was a prerequisite that never got met. It became my “must,” not love.
How did I change? I made loving a must and safety an unnecessary luxury. I chose to associate an excessive need for it with pain. My energy spent on self-protection instead of acts of love fueled by faith was painful to myself, my family, and the work God wanted to do through me.
SET YOUR GOALS AND BE THE PERSON THAT MEETS THEM
Where do you want to go? What is the specific address? Not just the region, city, or neighborhood. What do you need to put into your GPS to so you don’t go knocking on the wrong door?
Ask yourself these questions:
Who do I want to be?
How do I want to relate to others?
What do I want to create?
Lastly, describe the type of person that achieves those goals and decide you are that person now. Whether you achieve the goal or not, who you will become along the way is often more valuable.
TAKE ACTION
“The real win is in the space between thinking about taking action and taking action. The magic of life lies in the LEAP. That is the catalyst for change, growth, and the platform for finding your purpose.” – Lewis Howes
What is the one step you can take today that will activate more decisions in line with your purpose? Act on that now to own who you are and enjoy the journey to the person you will become.
I want to live full out. That has been my desire and God’s design but often not my experience. When I honor and learn from both my healthy and unhealthy pursuits, I open myself up to experience more of the purpose-filled life God intended for me as His unique creation.
Playing Small
Looking back on my life, I can see Satan was trying to keep me playing small. He knew the potential God gave me for impacting His kingdom and he wasn’t a fan.
I discovered a love for writing as a child but didn’t get past the first few pages of a novel that was sure to be a gripping thriller, because I listened to a voice telling me I should be devoted to God’s work and not to writing fiction. But the voice wasn’t God’s. I have since fanned my passion for the written word and receive joy using it to share His message of transformation.
When I was primed to cross a finish line, I stopped short. I wasn’t someone who wins, wasn’t meant for the spotlight, and shouldn’t outpace runners who may be dejected by not snapping the ribbon themselves. Second place was my sweet spot. When God did call me to be in the spotlight for His glory, I had a steep learning curve.
When I found the courage to speak up, I kept quiet. The world was too crowded with voices and there wasn’t room for mine. Unfortunately, God’s voice spoken through me was muffled.
I avoided sharing the Good News because I was broken and risked losing my lifeline of other’s approval. I now know my brokenness is one of the greatest gifts I can present to others because it is wrapped in the grace of Christ.
My mind was quieter when I played small. The energy required to combat the negative thoughts and beliefs Satan lobbed at me as I wholly pursued a goal wasn’t worth the prize. I did want to be powerful, use my gifts, and live fully, but being a nice guy was easier.
A Rush of Purpose
And then Satan gave me a shortcut to that feeling of purposeful pursuit I longed for.
While in the place of muffled desires, I encountered same-sex attractions and pornography. Those feelings and images were intense. I got hooked. The dopamine rush from fantasizing and viewing porn gave me the physical sensations of focus, clarity, and calm I longed for.
But I had nothing to show for that pursuit.
Rather than shame myself for wasting time and looking to idols, I can appreciate my desire for the good feelings that result from purposeful action.
I can acknowledge my sin and reconnect through joyful confession with my Lord who looks on me with love and invites me to something greater, then talk to myself to redirect my desire toward meaningful pursuits.
Here is what that could look like:
Jason, I noticed you were driven when you were watching porn. You stayed up late and lost sleep pursuing the perfect video. You were able to tune out your fears, anxieties, and negative thoughts. Being in that state felt great, didn’t it?
I want to honor that desire in you to be all-in on something. God wants that for you. Ask Him for it and He will place the perfect pursuit before you. If he doesn’t remove the fear, anxiety, or negative thoughts. it’s because He wants you to hand them to Him each time they arise. You will see His face and He loves that.
If His direction is unclear, take time to uncover the passions inside you, check them against His word and counsel from others, then go for them with everything you’ve got. He will guide you as you go and perfect your course.
Beautiful Surrender
Do this exercise to activate your healthy passion:
Sit comfortably in a quiet place without distraction. Bring to mind a dream you’re drawn to pursue. Vividly imagine it. What are you doing? Who are you with? What is the setting? What are the milestone goals on the road toward success in your endeavor? Visualize yourself achieving each one of them.
How does it feel to go all-on with purpose on a mission bigger than yourself? Take it in. Picture meeting the highest level of achievement. How do you celebrate it? Who are you celebrating with?
Now for the best part. Surrender it to God. Open your hands and submit the pursuit to Him, in all its technicolor imagery. Give Him each goal, each sound, each smile, laugh, and cheer. Offer your hope, courage, talent, and determination. Look into His face, the radiance of love smiling on you. His love is a fire that burns off chaff, hardens steel, and hones your pursuits.
More and Better
Don’t hold back in your surrender. Jesus wants to give you more than you ask. He sees, hears, and knows you. He made you. He is for you.
The story in scripture of a leper bravely approaching Jesus with a desire to be healed illustrates this. Jesus saw his physical pain. He loved him and could have simply spoken healing, but saw beyond the man’s request to his deeper longing for connection.
The leper had knelt in pain, waiting and vulnerable, acutely aware of the stares from the distanced crowd. He watched Jesus step toward his sores and disfiguration and place His palm on his broken body. Everything fell away except the hand of Jesus on him.
The touch of Jesus trumped the leper’s desire for physical healing. He had pursued Jesus and was given a life beyond his imagination. Naturally, he couldn’t help but tell everyone about this man who had touched him.
Practice desiring Jesus above all. Imagine a future glory with Him and believe He has that for you now. You were created with a drive to pursue great things. Embrace it to live fully alive for Him.
