Harness Mindfulness to Neutralize Same-Sex Attraction

Harness Mindfulness to Neutralize Same-Sex Attraction

For many years, I was on the defensive against my same-sex attractions and strong emotions. My desire to deny and avoid them kept me from being mindful of my thoughts and feelings surrounding them. I was blocking myself from two powerful tools that diminish their intensity:

1. Increase your awareness of what is running through your head and your heart.

2. Slow down long enough to take your thoughts captive and center your emotions.

Entering college, I didn’t believe I had what it takes to succeed. I wasn’t enough. I recall sitting in fear and anxiety while my fine arts professor described our final project. I had a knot in my stomach as perfectionism and fear of rejection fought against my desire for creative expression.

Why am I unsettled? Why can’t I enjoy this?

My eyes landed on a classmate that I admired. His strong frame rested comfortably in his chair as he leaned back and stretched one leg in front of him. 

If Aaron would be my friend, then I wouldn’t have to be scared.

If he would look at me and smile, then I would know I’m not alone.

If I had his confidence, I could enjoy any situation.

I zipped my backpack at the end of class and turned to see Aaron walking out the door. A surge of electricity passed through my body. I wanted to go with him. 

Over the next few days, the memory of that electric feeling grew larger in my mind. Fear and confusion mixed with excitement. More unquestioned thoughts fired at me:

This is not good.

Something is wrong with me.

Maybe I’m gay.

My mind was compelled to make meaning of the experience, telling me it was a problem, that I was separate from other people, and that my thoughts and sensations were reasons to question my identity. I wanted to run from them, pretend they hadn’t happened, and go on with my life.

I would spend years trying to avoid my attractions, not realizing the action made them bigger. But it was like holding a beach ball underwater. The sphere of thin, air-filled plastic would become a force that drained my energy and inevitably popped back up.

What I didn’t understand is that my compulsion for avoidance was not because of the attractions themselves, but because of the meaning I gave them. For someone who sees them as a blessing, an annoyance, or neutral, rather than a threat, they would respond differently.

If I could sit down with my eighteen-year-old self that day, I would assure him that he is okay, that he is seen, known, and loved by his Creator and by me, and that he was having a human experience in a world that is not as it was meant to be. I would tell him that thoughts, feelings, and sensations are not who he is and they are not facts. I would help him to look at the experience with curiosity rather than rush to a judgment, and avoid reacting long enough to identify the thoughts and meanings entering his mind.

It is easy for me to write that, but in reality, it is messy. The fog of emotions and compulsion to react prematurely can block our awareness of the thoughts preceding them. But trust me, it is worth sitting in that uncomfortable state. It gives you the power, rather than your thoughts and emotions. Stay there long enough to notice and question the sentences in your head, so that you can take them captive, as God directs us to do. Then, hold them up against the truth. 

Lies keep serenity out of reach and close me off from growth and connection with others. Living out of the truth brings peace, clarity, and an openness to walk into my purpose and heal in community. Rather than a closed posture, focused on me, God’s truth and love from His church raises my gaze to accept life as it is and believe that the best is yet to come. 

The truth is that the attractions I was experiencing were not a threat to my identity or worthiness to receive love. The Apostle Paul states in Romans that “neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:39 ESV) 

Something was not wrong with me, but rather with the world. “For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.” (Romans 8:20-21 ESV)

And I wasn’t gay. I was a man who was experiencing attractions to other men. Now I know they were something I could observe, not something to define myself by. I didn’t have to follow anyone.

Whatever you are experiencing, my encouragement for you is to be willing to sit in the uncomfortable moments of life without rushing to act or creating distractions, be mindful of your thoughts and emotions, ask God and supportive people for help sorting truth from lies, and trust that He is what is best. You are worth it.

Why Your Same-Sex Attractions are Not a Problem

Why Your Same-Sex Attractions are Not a Problem

Problems standing in the way of achieving a goal need a solution. Your same-sex attractions, on the other hand, don’t need to be solved. They are just experiences you are having that can be observed and acknowledged, but don’t need to be acted on, circumvented, or taken apart.

It is easy for same-sex attractions to FEEL like a problem, because they can intensely impact our emotions and sex drives. At times they can feel all-encompassing. They may be annoying or inconvenient, but that doesn’t make them an obstacle.

The problem is in our THINKING about the attractions, and the meaning we give them. Our brains are wired to make meaning of our experiences, but they are often inaccurate. When we have strong sensations and feelings, our subconscious gets to work making sense of them, connecting dots that appear to match up, and creating conclusions in an effort to minimize dissonance. Know this is happening, but don’t let it drive your conscious thoughts and actions. 

Notice what questions come to mind, because they give clues to the meaning your mind has crafted for the experience. If a question portrays same-sex attraction as a problem, change it to something more empowering. Swap “what do I need to do to fix this?” for “what are these attractions trying to tell me?” You may not get an answer at that moment, but you will be queuing your brain to look for growth opportunities.

Try out other questions as well to see which lead in empowering directions, like this one: 

“How can I enjoy the process of living into my dreams while working through my same-sex attractions?” 

This question communicates that your dreams are more powerful than your attractions, that the journey is more important than the destination, and that working through your same-sex attractions can be rewarding and even enjoyable. Questions like these take faith. They can be uncomfortable, because as humans we have a tendency toward familiar negative states that give us a false sense of safety.

 

Don’t waste your life solving problems that don’t need to be solved, or looking for answers to misleading questions. People can spend a lot of time seeking answers to questions that will not move them forward in their goals. We can be like mice, sprinting fast, not realizing we are running on the back of an elephant marching the opposite direction. Your questions direct your focus, and your focus directs your life. 

Your attractions may simply be telling you that you desire to connect more with men, or that you see something in other men that you don’t believe you already possess. It could mean you are human, having a normal imperfect human experience in a world that is not as it was meant to be. You get to decide what meaning resonates with you. You don’t have to let your emotions or sexual urges tell you what is true. 

And you don’t have to figure them out right now. You don’t even have to be sure if you want the feelings or not, or if they mean anything about your identity. It is enough just to notice the attractions. Know that feelings and sensations are not who you are, and they are not facts. Learn to look at the experience with curiosity rather than rush to a meaning.

Note that while the feelings and sensations of same-sex attraction are not a problem, they do often present actions in line with those feelings as a solution. If you experience that, take time to list what problems you think they might be trying to solve. Consider if they really are problems and if so, what other solutions are available. Remember, you are in charge.

When my draw toward men loomed large, it seemed like my mind and body were working overtime to convince me that connecting sexually with men would provide me with the comfort, confidence, security, and love I desired. But a deeper part of me knew that would not be the case. I saw those connections leading me to a black hole that would consume me, with my longings never satisfied. 

I wanted something or someone I could count on to meet my needs and solve my real problems of disconnection, self-loathing, and shame. I knew the sexual actions I was drawn to weren’t the solution. Intellectually I knew that God was the only answer, but it would take time for that belief to be embedded within me. 

I want you to know that how you respond to your attractions can be one of the most empowering things you do in life, leading to a greater understanding of yourself and a deeper relationship with God and others. Their presence is not evidence of weakness, but rather an opportunity to walk in your strength. They are not a problem. You are in the driver’s seat.