Fifteen year old Timothy sits on his bed staring at a DM from a guy he doesn’t know. It reads “You’re cute. Can we chat?” Thoughts flood his mind.
Yes, I want to chat. I really do.
I’m tired of fighting these feelings.
Why do I want this so bad?
If my parents only knew the desires I’ve had.
God must hate me.
He remembers his youth minister asking him, “Are you okay?” when Timothy stood in front of him blankly, summoning almost enough courage to share his secret with him. “Yes, I’m fine,” he responded.
He recalls the article he read which interpreted the Bible as embracing homosexuality. He wished he could suspend logic to believe that.
He feels the shame from when the football players announced to the cafeteria he was gay. He wanted to defend himself but words didn’t come.
“It’s just too much,” he says to himself.
Timothy clicks on the guy’s profile picture. His heart beats faster.
****
Timothy, if you are reading this, I want you to know I see you. I’ve been there. And it IS too much. You weren’t designed to handle so many competing voices and feelings.
I have felt lost and powerless much of my life. I was certain that the attention of another man would mean I was okay and that everything was going to be okay. My body seemed to be screaming that.
That voice, those sensations and emotions, can feel so big, but I want you to know you are bigger. You are in charge of your life and you get to decide what and who to listen to.
Your body isn’t seeing the real you. The football players in the cafeteria don’t see the real you. The Christians whose focus is on outward behavior may be overlooking your heart.
These desires won’t always be this intense. You don’t have to run from them or walk towards them. Sit with them without judgment.
Timothy, what gets you excited? If you knew these attractions won’t always be such a burden, what would you hope for? Who do you want to be? I’d love to know. Please don’t let your attractions overshadow the life you truly want to live.
You are not broken. God delights in you. Really. He will take you any way he can get you. He wants to hang out with you. I do too.
I love you Timothy. Let me know what you need. I’m not going anywhere. Reach out anytime.
When I was a kid, my dad loved cycling. He’d suit up in those tight cycling shorts, and one day, he wanted me to wear them too. I didn’t want to—I mean, I was a kid, and those shorts felt embarrassing—but I didn’t know how to say no. So, I put them on and went along with it, hoping we didn’t bike past anyone I knew. Looking back, it wasn’t just about the shorts. It was about this deeper struggle I didn’t even have words for yet: the tension between wanting to please someone I loved and not really knowing how to stand up for what I wanted. It was one of many times I felt the pull of my dad’s expectations versus my own preferences.
The Jean Jacket
Fast forward a few years, and I found myself wanting to dress like the other guys at school. There was this one friend of mine who had the coolest jean jacket. He wore it with this effortless confidence, and I thought, “If I could just get a jacket like that, maybe I’d feel like I belonged.” So, I begged my parents for one, and when I finally got it, I wore it everywhere. But here’s the thing: even with that jacket, I still felt like I wasn’t enough. I remember looking in the mirror, hoping to see someone who fit in, but instead, I just saw a kid trying too hard. That jacket didn’t give me the confidence I thought it would—it just reminded me how far I felt from being truly accepted. I was chasing this idea of belonging, but it always felt just out of reach.
My Son’s Request
A few months ago, my son came up to me with this big grin on his face and said, “Dad, can we wear matching clothes today?” He wasn’t asking me to conform or to be someone I’m not. He wasn’t trying to prove anything. He just wanted to connect. He wanted to say, “You’re like me. I’m like you.” And that hit me, because it wasn’t about approval or fitting in—it was about love. It was about belonging, not through conformity, but through authenticity. I was happy to oblige.
Belonging doesn’t come from changing ourselves to fit in. It comes from embracing who we are and inviting others into that space. Whether it’s with your family, your friends, or men you admire, the most powerful thing you can say is, “You’re like me. I’m like you.” Because when you show up authentically, you give others permission to do the same.
Now, let me ask you: Where in your life are you still trying to fit into someone else’s expectations? What’s one way you can show up more authentically this week? And who in your life could you invite into a deeper connection—not by changing yourself, but by being fully you?
I choose to embrace mystery but am careful to lean into the ones that serve me most.
Last summer, I walked toward the pool at the YMCA and came upon the most attractive man I had ever seen. At least I think he was. I’ll never know.
He had just finished his swim and passed by me heading towards the locker room. He had a strong presence.
A younger me might have followed him to discover if his body really did trump every other man’s and to find out how I measured up against his physique. But the wiser me let him pass by and remain a mystery. The questions that came to mind didn’t need to be answered.
As I continued to the pool, I was glad I could appreciate an attractive man without letting the experience take up too much space in my mind. God makes beautiful people. That’s cool. And I get to enjoy a swim on a sunny day like I had planned.
Keeping an open posture allowed the man to come in and out of my life without derailing my afternoon. I could be inspired rather than obsessed. I didn’t need to know how big his legs were, his percentage of body fat, how symmetrical his profile was, or how I compared. He was as he should be and so was I.
Mystery is a part of life. It’s woven into our experiences, our relationships, and our faith. But how we approach it makes all the difference. Some mysteries are traps—they pull us into obsession, comparison, or fear. Others are invitations—they call us to grow, to trust, and to live more fully alive. In this post, I’ll explore both.
Mysteries to Avoid
That experience is an example of a mystery to let lie. There are mysteries that, if we chase them, can lead us away from who we’re meant to be. These are the questions that don’t serve us, the ones that keep us stuck in cycles of doubt or distraction. For example:
What does that person think of me?
How do I measure up to someone else?
What do the parts of that man I can’t see look like?
What would it be like to live out a fantasy?
Am I missing out by not being in the gay lifestyle?
These questions might feel compelling at the moment, but they rarely lead to peace. Instead, they pull us into overthinking, shame, compromise, or even self-sabotage. When we try to solve these mysteries, we’re not really seeking truth—we’re seeking validation, control, or escape. And that’s not where freedom lives. It takes courage and commitment to let go of the fear of man and fear of missing out.
Take the guy at the pool, for example. I could have followed him, trying to uncover every detail about him and how I measured up. But what would that have accomplished? It wouldn’t have brought me peace. It would have distracted me from my own life, my own purpose.
Instead, I chose to let that mystery remain unsolved. I acknowledged it, appreciated it, and then let it go. Some mysteries are best left as they are, so we can stay focused on what truly matters.
Mysteries to Lean Into
The mysteries that are worth exploring—the ones that invite us to grow, to connect, and to trust—are the mysteries that align with our values and our faith. Consider these:
The mystery of God’s love and grace. We’ll never fully understand it, but we can spend our lives exploring it, experiencing it, and sharing it with others.
The mystery of relationships. Whether it’s with a spouse, a friend, or even ourselves, there’s always more to learn, more to discover, and more ways to grow in love and understanding.
The mystery of our purpose. We might not always know exactly where God is leading us, but we can trust that He’s guiding us toward something good.
Leaning into these doesn’t mean we’ll always have clear answers. It means we’re willing to live with the questions, to trust the process, and to find joy in the journey.
For me, confident guys were always a mystery. I didn’t know how they were comfortable expressing themselves and moving through life with a sense of certainty. Women were commonplace. I was familiar with them, having a sister and no brothers, and was more comfortable around them.
Part of my journey has been owning my identity as a man and becoming open to seeing women as mysterious. When I met my wife, there was something about her I wanted to know more. I got drawn in to who she was and what it could look like for us to be a couple. After 13 years of marriage, I still want to know her more, the good and the bad.
My wife is someone I get to learn more about every day. I don’t have her all figured out—and that’s a good thing. It keeps me curious, engaged, and committed. The same is true of my faith. I’ll never uncover everything about God or the gospel, but I know that leaning into that mystery has brought me more peace and purpose than I could have imagined.
Living with Mystery
Here’s the thing: living with mystery requires faith. Faith that we don’t need to have all the answers to live a meaningful life. Faith that God is in control, even when we don’t understand His plan. Faith that in Christ we are enough, just as we are, without needing to prove ourselves or answer every question that comes our way.
When we embrace mystery in this way, we free ourselves from the need to control everything. We stop chasing validation or certainty, and we start living with openness, curiosity, and trust.
This doesn’t mean we ignore the hard questions or avoid the challenges in our lives. It means we approach them with a sense of wonder and possibility. Instead of asking, “What if my unwanted attractions never go away?” we can ask, “How is this an opportunity to grow?” Instead of asking, “How do I measure up?” we can ask, “How can I show up more as who God created me to be?”
Practical Steps to Embrace Mystery
So how do we start living this way? How do we embrace mystery without getting lost in it? Here are a few practical steps:
Practice Letting Go When you catch yourself obsessing over a question that doesn’t serve you—like what someone thinks of you or what falling into a man’s arms might feel like—pause. Take a deep breath and remind yourself: “I don’t need to have all the answers. God created me on purpose and He loves me as I am. I can seek His direction for my next right action of integrity.”
Cultivate Curiosity Lean into the mysteries that inspire you. Ask questions about your faith, your relationships, and your purpose. Be curious about what God is doing in your life and where He might be leading you.
Live with Intention Instead of reacting to life, choose to live offensively. Start your day by asking: “What’s one thing I can do today to move closer to the person I want to become and the mission God has for me?”
Trust the Process Remember that growth takes time. You don’t have to have it all figured out today. Trust that God is working in your life, even when you can’t see the full picture.
A Challenge
So, here’s my challenge to you: What’s one mystery you can let go of this week? Maybe it’s a fantasy. Maybe it’s the urge to compare yourself to someone else. Whatever it is, let it go. And, what is one mystery you can lean into, that brings you closer to God, to others, and to a future of purpose and possibility?
Because life isn’t about solving every mystery—it’s about living fully in the ones that matter most.
Mystery of the Gospel
Finally, I want to take this opportunity to share plainly the mystery of the gospel.
I believe the Bible is the standard for truth, and it tells us something incredible: that God sent His son, Jesus, to reconcile us to Himself. Our sin created a separation between us and God, but in His love, He sent Jesus to live a perfect life and sacrifice Himself so we could be united with Him again. When we confess Jesus as our Lord and Savior and turn away from our sins, we receive forgiveness, avoid the punishment of sin, and step into eternal life with God. It’s a truth that’s both simple and mysterious—and that’s what makes it so beautiful. If you’ve never placed your trust in Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, I encourage you to reflect on that today. It could be the most important decision of your life.
Also, if you’d like some practical tools to reduce the intensity of unwanted same-sex attractions that can often feel compelling and mysterious, watch the recording of my masterclass about it, at ownyouridentitynow.com/masterclass.
I am creating this post to honor my dad, honor me, and honor our story together. I’ll highlight the impact of abuse, the power of forgiveness, and the sovereignty of God. I am glad to invite you into more of my story. Whether you have been deeply hurt or have hurt others deeply, I want you to know you’re not alone.
Note: This post, which includes mention of sexual abuse and suicide, may trigger strong emotion. If this is you, feel free to reach out to me or someone else to process it. I am grateful to be in a place where I can reflect on my abuser without anger, but if you have been abused, I want to honor wherever you may be in your healing journey. Trust me, I have gotten angry at my dad many times and likely will again. I’ve cried a lot.
***
When I was seven years old, I told my mom, “I hate Dad.” He was a force I could never match. He consistently broke my spirit.
She replied, “You’re not supposed to hate your dad.” That comment stumped me. I thought to myself, “But I do.”
I hated him for coming into my bed at night and using me in ways I didn’t understand.
I hated him for overpowering me with his physical strength.
I hated him for shutting me out emotionally in response to trivial things.
I hated him most for inspiring the lies that I didn’t have a voice, a right to my body, a certainty that someone had my back, or unique value to offer the world.
When I sang a song on a road trip, he sang it louder until my voice drowned out. When I showed excitement for writing, photography, art, computers, math, and more, he communicated “good luck.” When I voiced my discomfort with his sinful touch, he withdrew all affection. When we wrestled, I got squished.
Squished is a good description of what I felt most often with him. I was small. And I was alone.
***
My dad felt the same as a child. His father didn’t know what to do with his oldest son who was sensitive and disinterested in watching the multiple football games playing across two TVs in the living room every Sunday.
On a day my grandfather had tickets to a live game, he heard a scream through the front window. He walked outside to see blood gushing from my dad’s cheek that was ripped open by a branch as he fell from a tree.
“What were you doing?” his father said. “Now we’re going to miss the game.” My dad looked up in pain at the disappointment and anger in his father’s eyes. The anger that was present despite the rip in my dad’s face.
My dad shared that story when I asked where the long scar on his cheek came from. The shameful scar which reminded my dad he was a bother every time he looked in the mirror. He was deficient and wrong.
And if he lacked further evidence of that, he could focus on the story he told himself about his same-sex attractions. They were a part of his life he had to keep hidden. He could never be fully known.
***
He believed he was different. When his dad described the intimate details of the affair he was having, my dad, who was navigating puberty and focused on guys, could not relate. Something must be wrong with him.
When he stood at attention in the navy, he hoped his uniform and stoic face would hide his attractions.
After he felt a genuine call to the ministry and brought his family across the country to Dallas for seminary, he was disappointed when his attractions didn’t diminish as he immersed himself in the study of God’s word.
When he was overwhelmed by the politics he experienced when pastoring a small Baptist church, his secret became his solace. He retreated into his bedroom, shutting out his son, daughter, and wife to decompress with gay porn.
Just as he was puzzled by his dad’s preference for football over time with him, I never understood why my dad locked himself away from me. Whatever was on the other side of the door must have been pretty amazing. More than me.
Over time, my dad’s porn use deepened and he began acting out with guys in person. Eventually, his sins caught up with him.
When I was 14, I watched from the elevated sound booth at the back of the church as my dad tightened his grip on the pulpit to keep his hands from trembling. His voice shook. He cut the sermon short and asked a deacon to close in prayer. Before it ended, my dad was out the church doors, never to return. From a sea of confused faces milling about the foyer, a woman stopped me and said, “There’s something wrong with your dad.” I wanted to defend him but had no clue what to do. Our life would change forever.
***
My sister and I stayed with friends for a week while my parents took a road trip. He wanted to put distance between him and the pain. He tried to explain his attractions to my mom. “It’s like electricity going through my body,” he said. “I don’t know what to do.” He cried in her arms.
He checked himself into a mental hospital and joined a 12-step group. He became open about his struggles and pain. His example would be a gift to me when I had a nervous breakdown at the end of college and was encouraged by him to begin recovery work. I give him credit for that.
My mom stayed by his side. She didn’t know what else to do. I watched her waste away with anxiety, drinking Ensure to intake calories. My sister got her license and was out late each night. My dad’s door began to close again. I was alone.
No longer able to live in the parsonage and unable to afford a house in the same town which had become affluent over the years, we moved into an apartment in the city. I entered ninth grade knowing no one.
I was a shell walking into the windowless school. I put on my protective smile and ensured my hair was in place. It landed me a spot at the popular table at lunch. But I sat with nothing to say, amazed at the carefree spirits of the other students. The guys who exuded confidence especially intrigued me. How was that possible? I didn’t last at that table a week.
Guys became a mystery to me as they had to my dad. When I neared high school graduation and a classmate said he wanted to kiss me, I felt the same electricity my dad had described.
***
Throughout college, my dad and I had an off and on relationship. Afterward, as I came to grips with the abuse I experienced and received support, I decided I wanted to actively work to deepen and restore our relationship. I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. But the abuse was a wall. A big wall we never discussed.
In a support group for male survivors of abuse, I had an opportunity to role play confronting my dad. I received strength and care from the group and made plans to meet my dad at a park.
I waited with trepidation until we stood face to face. Then, I shared everything I could remember with him in detail. I shared how I felt and how I believed it impacted my beliefs about myself, God, and how I showed up in the world. He owned it all, was sorrowful, and shared other examples of neglect he was sorry for. That was a big step for both of us. Afterward, we connected more often. While I still kept it surface level, I enjoyed a more relaxed relationship.
***
Several months later, he called to get my opinion on something. He said, “Jason, I’d like to hang out with gay people. I want to express that side of myself.” I was caught off guard and asked him to tell me more. He felt something was missing from his life. He wanted to let his guard down and just be himself.
He and I were both navigating our same-sex attractions. I wanted marriage with a woman but wasn’t sure how it would be possible due to my lack of arousal. He had a marriage that didn’t satisfy him. During that year, I joined a support group for guys who desired to live according to values and goals that weren’t in line with their same-sex attractions. My parents ended their marriage of 36 years to allow my dad to live a gay lifestyle.
I grieved the loss of my family as I had always known it, as imperfect as it was. I expressed my hurt to my dad. I told him I loved him but I also told him I felt abandoned. I needed to say that to keep a wall from being built in my heart.
My dad entered the lifestyle and was happy. He told me he felt closer to God than he ever had. He could breathe. But the euphoria was short-lived. He withdrew and turned away from the faith. “How could a god who made me this way condemn me for it,” he said.
***
Soon, he went dark. He bought an RV and lived with his partner at various campsites and parks in the area. He changed his phone number and email. He vanished from social media. We had no way to contact him. I would see the back of him at the mall but realize once he turned that it wasn’t him. I questioned whether it would hurt less if he was dead. At least then I’d know his disappearance wasn’t a choice.
Three months before he died at the age of 69 he reached out to me. He was hurting. Panic attacks were frequent. He apologized for breaking contact and wanted to talk with me every day. He came to the house to visit my wife and daughter and didn’t rush off. He shared his renewed belief in Christ.
He invited me to spend the day at Six Flags amusement park with him. That was our safe place together as a family growing up. He was always happy there and we were too.
We carpooled from my house. Because he was a big man, I assumed we would drive in his truck. He opted to fit himself into my 2-door sports car. He was glad to let me take the wheel.
We enjoyed walking the park. We rode side by side in the old-time cars. We shared a funnel cake, our favorite.
But while we latched into the seats of the Titan roller coaster, bracing for the steepest drop in the park, he felt a sharp pain in his jaw. He had recently drained some of his limited savings having work done on it. His mind went to the unknown depth of expense which may be incurred again. His mood changed.
He was somber as we waited in line for another ride. He said something unexpected.
“Jason, leaving your mom was the worst decision I’ve made in my life,” he said.
I didn’t know what to say except “I’m sorry.” I gave him a big hug. “That’s got to be so hard dad.”
***
Over the next two weeks his panic attacks increased. He shared concerns over money. His boyfriend, Chan, and I sat across from him in their tiny living room and assured him we would take care of him. He shook his head.
Days later, I got a call from his neighbor. “Jason, you need to go to the hospital.”
When I arrived, I learned he was sedated in an operating room as they stitched his neck and wrists. They placed charcoal in his stomach to counteract the bottle of Wellbutrin he had ingested.
He never came to.
***
We went with his boyfriend and gathered some of his belongings. We opened cupboards filled with porn. Apparently, it was still a solace.
His partner shared the details of his final day of life. Something was off with the way my dad said goodbye that morning, lingering in the doorway as Chan left for work. He cut his workday short and returned home.
My dad was surprised to see him. Standing with a red knife in his hand, he said, “I have to die. I’ll be broke in a month.” “That’s not true,” Chan said before running next door to get their neighbor. We had wanted dad to believe he wasn’t alone. That we had his back. But he didn’t believe us. Or he believed he didn’t deserve our help. He had hurt a lot of people. Who knows.
***
My dad did hurt people. But so have I. My dad reached for lesser things. So have I. My dad remembered that Christ reaches for us and is the only one who can make us whole. That is true for all of us.
I miss him. I missed him being here when my son was born, when I started my coaching business, and when I’ve taken my family to Six Flags. I want my messy dad back into my messy life.
Whether you have been deeply hurt or have hurt others deeply, I want you to know you’re not alone.
Thank you for honoring me and my dad by reading our story.
Images of guys still draw my attention. I recently typed “man lying in bed” into Adobe iStock to find a blog feature photo, expecting the results to be PG. Suggestive imagery was scattered in the results. I wanted to linger but closed the browser.
I was bummed that I was drawn to the men on the screen but chose to get curious instead of discouraged. Why was staring so appealing? I walked myself through the mindfulness process we practice in my coaching course. It provides greater awareness of the physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts that arise in an instant. Pulling them apart to view them productively empowers me to take intentional action.
When the images popped up, my heart rate quickened and my shoulders tightened. I recognized excitement, anticipation, and fear. The intensity was a nice change of pace from my lonely evening. I also felt sadness and a nostalgic warmth in my chest.
Noting my experience reminded me that my emotions and thoughts are not who I am. I am the one who observes them and gets to decide what intentional thoughts and emotions I want to generate.
When considering my thoughts, I knew my emotional reactions which the thoughts inspired weren’t in response to the images themselves but to the story I was telling myself about them. That story manifested as statements and questions which flashed across the screen of my mind.
I observed my initial thoughts without judging either them or myself.
Some automatic thoughts included:
“These guys are hot.”
“They are warm and inviting.”
“I want their muscles and smooth skin.”
“They want me.”
“If I looked like that, what would I feel?”
“What do the parts of their body I don’t see look like?”
“I miss looking at naked guys.”
“I’m scared I’m going to linger lustfully.”
“This is annoying.”
When I looked at that list, I considered beliefs which may have influenced the thoughts.I recognized my lingering belief that the images had much to offer me, such as comfort, confidence, acceptance, and aliveness.
Then, I took control.
I talked to myself, rather than listened to myself. I chose these thoughts:
“I have better things to do with my time than scroll these images.”
“They don’t have anything to offer me.”
“What my mind and body want me to do is give myself over to the guys on the screen. I belong to God, my wife, and myself.”
“While these guys are mysterious to me, I’m okay with some mystery. I don’t have to let curiosity rule.”
“I don’t mind that I find guys attractive. No big deal. That doesn’t need to get in the way of the life I want to live.”
To help activate and empower those thoughts, I personified my unwanted attraction and was loving towards it, while asserting my will. I said, “Attraction, thank you for your input. I can see you are trying to help me out, showing me a way you believe I can receive comfort and aliveness. You’re right, I do admire guys – their presence, appearance, and confidence. But what you are offering is not good enough for me. I’ve got big dreams and strong values that require different actions. Your voice is loud right now, but it doesn’t mean it is best. I’ll need you to stand down. I care about you, but I need some space.”
Those new thoughts inspired empowering emotions. Instead of excitement and fear, I felt love and peace. My heart rate slowed and my shoulders softened. I breathed deeper.
As a result, I was inspired to write this to share with you, thank God for his many blessings, text my wife, and message friends. When compared to staring at pixels on my computer screen, those actions felt expansive. I was reminded how much I love my life.
Have you felt excitement, anticipation, and fear when presented with an unhealthy choice? Are you able to consider your thoughts and emotions without judging them, empowering you to take intentional action? Take time to get curious. You are wroth it.
Ken Williams, co-founder of Changed Movement, said, “You’ll never experience unconditional love until you first share your condition.”
Here is what that means to me:
When we are honest with God about our sin and grief, our felt experience of his unconditional love deepens. When we share our pain with others, we invite their healing embrace.
For much of my life, I’ve viewed my condition as either a good guy who occasionally does bad things or a broken man who deserves to be punished. Both compel me to hide. And both stress me out.
And I miss out.
Here’s the truth: I have a heart that is sick with sin. The more I acknowledge the depth of my sin, the greater my appreciation for God’s love for me as his adopted son. I allow myself to feel the depth of my sin because I want to feel greater depths of his love and peace.
I don’t want to convince myself that my heart is just a little sick with sin. I’ll share honestly that I’ve objectified men and used them for my selfish gratification, lashed out in anger, told myself I’m worthless, lied straight-faced, and judged others for doing the same.
But I can speak to God the words Chris Tomlin beautifully penned: “You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.”
And I can listen for His response:
“Jason, I have examined your heart and know everything about you. I discern your thoughts from afar. I am acquainted with all your ways. Trust me, there is nowhere you can go to hide from my love. Come to me in your weariness and I will provide rest for your soul.”
That is what my heart longs to hear.
Is there a greater depth of God’s love you’d like to feel? Confess sin you’ve been holding back to him. Would you like to invite the embrace of others? Take a redemptive risk and share your true condition with them.
My wife and kids were out of the house and I had gone to bed early. It had been a long day. As I laid my head on the pillow an image came to mind. A strong, attractive man, half dressed, was leaning back in a chair facing me. I felt he was inviting me towards him.
“Argh,” I thought. “I just want to go to sleep. Now I’m gonna have to fight off this image.”
But I decided I wasn’t going to let that image determine my night. I considered how I might counsel a client and a question came to mind: “How is this man like me?”
He was strong. Me too. I recalled the strength it took to share my SSA and abuse story on the internet and the impact that act of courage has had. What a gift.
He was attractive. Me too. I care for my body, walk with confidence, and bring positive energy to the room. I’m a good steward of the talents and identity God has given me.
He was inviting. So am I. I invite men to share their stories with me – their pain, challenges, and dreams. It’s a blessing.
I looked back on my day. I saw that I had not felt strong, attractive, or inviting. I reflected on what was true about me.
This annoying man who showed up in my mind became a reminder to me of my character, intention, and identity. I was grateful. I let out a healing sigh and fell asleep.
We get to decide what things mean. I had labeled this man as an annoyance. God used him as a blessing.
I’m going to unpack the simple, but powerful truth that people are always better off when you’re around. If you believe this deeply, your life will be transformed.
In my life, I’ve held back from fully engaging with other people. Thoughts like these clouded my mind and kept me stuck:
“They are just talking to me to be nice.”
“These guys are waiting for me to sit on the bench so better players can get on the court.”
“If these people knew the depth of my sin and brokenness, they would walk away.”
“I have nothing to offer.”
“They will get bored with me.”
I walked into rooms questioning my value. It affected the way I showed up, how others viewed me, what opportunities I took on, and the depth of connection I made with others. This didn’t serve me or others. So, I made a decision to become certain that in whatever room I walk into, I belong there and others are better off for my presence.
The belief “People are better off when I’m around,” sounds simple but is immensely powerful. Here’s how:
It prompts our mind to gather evidence of its truth.
It trumps limiting beliefs, such as “I have nothing to offer.”
It threatens shame.
It changes our state, causing us to be more open to opportunities, including giving to others.
It shifts our attention to service.
It encourages us to connect with others.
I’ll go into detail on each of those, but first, I want you to take a second to consider how believing this truth deeply could move you towards your goals. Perhaps you want to connect deeply with other guys, date a girl, start a project, or serve at church. As you consider adopting this belief wholeheartedly, imagine the momentum it will generate in your life.
Visualize a scene you would like to enter. Who is there? What are they doing? What do you want to see happen? You walk into a restaurant for a first date, join an accountability group at your church, or go home for the holidays. Now, imagine entering the room with certainty that the people waiting for you will be better off for your presence. How will you show up? What will you feel? What might happen? On the other hand, if you entered the room doubting you belong there, what would your posture be? How might others perceive you? What hurdles would you encounter?
You have two choices: Believe others are always better off for your presence or believe they might be better off. Which belief yields the most fruit?
So, what does this belief do?
It inspires us to gather evidence of its truth.
When we tell our minds that something is true, it may fight against it. If we don’t have a history of believing this truth, our minds will bring forth all the evidence in our past to prove that it is false. But if we continue to insist on the new belief, it will have to get on board. Our mind will start gathering evidence to support it, like building legs under a stool, until the belief begins to feel more true and comes naturally.
It trumps other limiting beliefs.
How can I believe I have nothing to offer if I am certain others are better off when I’m around? The thought “If they only knew” would not come as easily when I pre-decide that I am valuable as I am. Some of my personal favorites, “I am broken, sinful, weak, and boring,” lose power when I don’t question my value.
It threatens shame.
In my life, I have allowed shame to tell me “I’m no good,” “I should hide,” and “I don’t count.” It tells me to either stay in the dark or put on a mask. I’ve entertained shame over my unwanted same-sex attractions, porn use, abuse, and plenty more. I thought I would somehow infect people with my brokenness. That’s not the case.
It changes our state.
When we believe “others are always better off when we are around,” we change our state, causing us to be more open to opportunities and connection. We invite gladness and optimism. From that place, our body anticipates something good to happen. We look others in the eye longer and hold our head higher. We move through the room rather than stand against the wall.
It shifts our attention to what we can give others.
When we program our minds to believe others are better off with us, we will become more aware of the needs of others and how we can make their lives better, even in the smallest way. The more we step into a room with this mindset and a keen eye on service, the more we will get in the habit of it.
It encourages us to connect with others.
To allow others to be better off when we are around, we need to be around them! I am more motivated to reach out when I don’t doubt the benefit of my presence. It may still be scary, but I don’t have to question whether there will be a payoff.
But what if believing others are better off when you’re around doesn’t feel true?
Guys, I know I’m pressing hard on this, but it’s because I know the power of believing it. I want you to be certain that it is always true. Once you decide it is 100% true, you’ll find it’s easier than believing it is mostly true. With any belief, doubt brings stress, no matter the amount, and it keeps us stuck. Let go of doubt.
For me, on a sunny afternoon after a productive day at work, when I’ve had some wins, received encouragement, and felt connected to God, I could come up with a good list of reasons why I make other people’s lives better.
When I have operated on three hours of sleep because of a late night porn episode, missed some deadlines, and envisioned a scowl on God’s face, I might be hard pressed to list reasons why walking into a room full of people with my head up is a beneficial thing to do.
If you’re in a place where you are called to show up in a room and you can’t shake familiar lies, people will still be better off because of your presence. They will be able to:
Discover more of God, because you are created in His image.
Practice the fruit of the Spirit.
Accept you as you are. It will give them permission to do the same for themselves.
They can get comfortable being uncomfortable.
And they can grow in vulnerability.
If you need encouragement to get you to a place where you are fully certain that others are better off when you’re around, shoot me an email at hello@jasonmellard.com. I’ll reply with truth and encouragement.
With the helicopter blades still whirring, the President walked out, hand on his head, to give me the best news.
“I’ve come to invite you to join me for an award ceremony in your honor,” he said loudly.
I pointed to my chest. “Me?” My mouth hung open.
He beamed yes. The blades quieted. He knelt to get on my level and explained that my stellar lawn mowing skills had been noticed and were cause for recognition. He looked to the large field I had finished trimming and waved his hand across it as evidence.
Man that felt good.
I can recall that day and see me paused alone in the field visualizing my fantasy. My parents were occupied in the house unaware of the honor I was being bestowed.
I was a boy with a big imagination, great mowing skills, and a deep desire to be seen. If the President said I was valuable, I would no longer doubt it.
I suspect I’m alone in my specific fantasy (if I’m not, please let me know!), but I know I’m in good company with others who want to be noticed, acknowledged, and celebrated. It is an innate longing.
Curt Thompson, Author of The Soul of Shame, said, “We all are born into the world looking for someone looking for us, and we remain in this mode of searching for the rest of our lives.”
Why did God create us this way?
I believe it is so we will seek his face, and upon finding it, hold his gaze.
Fortunately, God loves looking at us and rejoices over us. Zepheniah 3:17b says, “He will exult over you with loud singing.” How crazy is that?! I’ll have to take His word for it.
The next time you scan the room for someone looking back at you, whether a boss with a nod of approval, a loved one with an expression of care, or another guy with a look of longing, enjoy the certainty that God sees you, delights in you, and invites you into his presence without fail.
And if you run into the President, tell him hi for me. 😉
As a young teenager, I presented my upper lip proudly to my dad. Black hairs had sprouted.
“Dad, I’m getting a mustache,” I said.
He turned to face me. Without moving closer, my dad declared, “It’s just peach fuzz.”
What? Not true. “It’s the start of a mustache, Dad.”
I held my breath for his response.
“No, it’s peach fuzz,” he said again, closing the conversation. He turned to resume whatever was more important to him besides me.
My chest deflated.
I retreated to the bathroom mirror. My few black hairs were certainly there, but apparently didn’t count. My masculinity was subpar.
That memory got filed away. As I recall it now, my shoulders slump and my chest tightens.
I have allowed events and resulting beliefs such as that to hold me back from showing up fully in life. To make the most of this life God has entrusted me with, I now use them to my advantage. I want my past to fuel my journey rather than drain my energy and enthusiasm.
But recalling and writing about the “peach fuzz” interaction just pissed me off. This article I planned to post last week got delayed because I was stumped on what good could come from the exchange with my father so long ago.
I was angry and sad. I decided to let those emotions put my optimism on pause. I took the weekend to acknowledge, accept, and honor those feelings. Returning to complete this article I find that sitting in those uncomfortable feelings has given me a jumpstart on formulating the following list of opportunities. I hope it will benefit you.
How can we let our past work for us rather than against us? Here are some ways:
Step into our power
In recalling this event, I felt anger. I leaned into it. My dad was irresponsible with my heart. I was worth more of his time and care. His words hurt me. The lies Satan offered me in that vulnerable state handicapped me. Enough! It’s my life and I am taking it back.
Increase certainty
My dad’s words confused me. I was told the evidence I saw in the mirror of my masculinity didn’t exist. I know that exiting confusion and living from the truth requires confidence and courage. In doing so, I am forced to take greater ownership of my identity. That’s a good thing.
Grieve
Grief can be scary. But I’ve become acquainted with it enough to know it leads to strength, joy, and peace. I let myself feel sad. I allowed my preferred version of the scene to enter my mind. I grieved its absence. I shared my grief with others. My spirit is more settled and hopeful.
Encounter Jesus
I can rewrite the scene and include Christ as the protagonist. I picture him standing behind me as my dad dismisses me. When I turn from my dad, Jesus’ presence stops me in my tracks. He bends until eye level with me, and says, “Yep, that’s gonna be a good ‘stache.” I fall into Him.
Connect
While leading a group coaching call this week, I shared this “peach fuzz” story. The men empathized with me and shared similar stories. I was seen and affirmed and had the opportunity to do the same for them.
Forgive
I get to forgive my dad. Not as a requirement, but as an opportunity, and without a timeline. I don’t need to rush it. As an adult, I wanted to forgive my dad for his acts of abandonment and asked God to do it in me. Weeks later, I woke up with the thought, “I wonder how my dad is doing today.” I took that as evidence of God’s work of forgiveness in my heart. I felt peace and joy. It’s a process, but that morning was a milestone.
Love myself
Younger Jason in that scene is still with me. He desires to be seen, acknowledged, and affirmed. I get to do that. I can ask Younger Jason to share the excitement he felt when noticing the change in his face as well as his disappointment with his dad’s response. I can say to him, “Tell me more.” I can stand behind him as he studies his reflection, hands on his shoulders, and tell him he’s got what it takes.
There are many experiences in life I could do without. While I can’t change the past, I can use it. It takes work, but you are worth it.
Have you felt stuck by a past experience, allowing it to dictate your actions and tell you what’s possible? How can you use it to your advantage?
This question began a conversation which played on repeat in my head. It started when I walked into the gym, the boardroom, or the sanctuary. I silently asked it of my coach, boss, and pastor.
I couldn’t shake it.
It formed in my mind when someone spotted me on the bench press, as I shared a design concept to my team, and each time I considered voicing my same-sex attractions.
It stuck because it was more than a question. It was a declaration. Each time I asked it, I was actively telling myself I was inadequate, inferior, and unqualified. Those lies embedded deeper.
These three actions took the power out of it. Now, it rarely surfaces.
I decided to believe that what God says about me is true.
I let the question arise without attaching to it.
I chose different questions.
God made me. What he makes is very good. He has given me all I need for life and godliness. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
I choose to believe those truths before walking into a room. I’ll bring them to mind, knowing they won’t always feel true. I’ll observe contradictory thoughts and questions and let them hang out without pushing them aside, while aligning my posture and intention with the truth.
And while I can’t always help the automatic questions that pop into my head, I can choose to silently ask different ones. I like these:
“You’re for me, aren’t you?”
“How can we succeed together? What can we create?”
“What are you needing right now?”
Finally, if none of that works, I’ll let the pesky question trigger me to turn to God and direct the question to him. I’ll get a resounding “No.” Whether it feels true or not, I’ll have seen His face and heard his voice.
Taking these actions will be a gift to others. They will enjoy the certainty I’ll bring to the room rather than an air of self-doubt. I’ll be primed to assure them of their worth and give them permission to set aside that common question. I’ll be open to the blessings they want to give me, not cheating them the opportunity.
Can you relate? What question do you want to ask instead of that automatic one?
“It’s that jacket you always wear,” my classmate replied.
Huh. My jacket.
My faux leather jacket I thought made me so cool was apparently a dead giveaway about my sexual inclinations and a determiner of my orientation. What a powerful piece of my wardrobe!
I don’t remember the rest of that interaction from college, but I didn’t leave it feeling empowered. I definitely wasn’t encouraged to take ownership of my identity. My favorite jacket became a straitjacket.
The name for my coaching business, Own Your Identity, has two meanings.The first and deepest meaning is to own who we are in Christ. To internalize it and request God’s power to live out of it. That is the foundation for growth and flourishing.
The second meaning is to own our sexual identity.
The truth is, other people, my feelings, and my wardrobe don’t get to tell me I’m gay, what orientation to identify with, or whether I should live out of my attractions to men. I decide whether to take on labels and what actions to take.
I used to let those outside voices bother me, but now I let them empower me.
I can appreciate my other well-meaning classmates who told me I was gay and recommended I accept it, because I see their desire for me to be whole and at peace when I was clearly troubled. I can be grateful for their care and concern while allowing the interaction to remind me to seek wholeness in Christ and provide an opportunity to clarify my values.
A culture which celebrates a multitude of sexual expressions can remind me to celebrate the truth of who I am in Christ, and how he designed my body to work and my life to flourish.
I can empathize with people who are uncomfortable with the unknown, want things tied neatly in bows, and don’t know what to do with someone who has attractions to guys but truly desires something else. I can choose to be comfortable being uncomfortable and enjoy practicing the faith required to not settle for a quick solution.
In response to the narrative that a life of misery is the fate of men who have attractions to guys but don’t embrace a gay identity, I can take peace knowing that as I give myself permission to make my own decisions, stay open to all possibilities, and walk courageously the road I am inspired to take, even if it feels uneasy, I am telling myself that I am strong and courageous and my future is not yet written. That brings life. And heck, I can change my mind whenever I want.
The arousal in my body and romantic feelings I’ve experienced towards other guys can beinformation rather than a declaration. I decide what to do with them. I’ve got options: I can act in alignment with my automatic attractions, I can let them hang out while I go about my day, or I can get curious about them, considering they may have a message for me, and invite God into the conversation and seek the counsel of others.
I can also acknowledge times I acted opposite of my values, but those actions don’t get to tell me what is true about me either and they don’t need to determine my next actions.
On a lighter note, I can enjoy being sharply dressed, knowing that I alone get to own my identity!
And better than any jacket, I can allow myself to be wrapped in God’s confident embrace. The one who breathed life into me and whose name all creation whispers.
I wanted to desire Christy. She was pretty and kind. We rode horses at her family ranch. Standing alongside a steed, her eyes held my gaze.
“Oh crap,” I thought.
My mind flashbacked to a high school girlfriend. It was fun to date her but frightening to kiss. Her lips were cold, clammy, and weak. I wanted to wipe my lips with my sleeve.
Will Christy be different?
Nope.
Get me out of here.
Why is this my life? Count me out.
But I couldn’t shake it. I wanted a woman. What was I missing?
Years later, my now wife would teach me to kiss.
“Jason, you are doing it all wrong.”
I was mesmerized as she instructed me.
What made the difference?
Here are my thoughts. I may be wrong, but it’s fun to theorize:
What I know is her lips weren’t clammy and cold. They were warm and inviting.
I leaned in rather than pulled away.
She was a mystery I wanted to discover more about. A kiss could accomplish that.
My mind was clear and my heart was open. I leaned in.
No doubt. No self. Curiosity and longing.
I was hooked.
I wanted to know her. She was unlike my sister, my mom, or past girlfriends. She was different than me. I liked that. I was enough for her and God was enough for us. No pressure. All fun. An adventure. I was up for it and qualified.
In a Sonic parking lot I kissed her.
“Not the best,” she said. Or something like that.
“Here’s how,” she continued.
I laughed. Then became a good student. Why not?
I had let go of expectation and accepted life as it was. I was enough and God was enough. I acknowledged my body’s inclinations while honoring my true desires and keeping an open hand.
I’m glad I did.
Now, we enjoy an intimacy I wouldn’t have imagined. I lose where I end and she begins. I desire to know her more and kissing her helps me do that. She desires the same.
She sees me and I see her. I am not alone. Neither is she.
I don’t question my manhood. I am like other guys. I don’t question my abilities. I have what I takes. I don’t question my true longings. I like women. I don’t need approval. God provides it.
I can risk rejection. It makes me stronger. I value vulnerability. Others are better off. I choose patience. It is worth it. The future isn’t written. I’ll let God write it. And I’ll live fully alive while I wait.
Because that is what I am called to do. When I live fully alive I know him more and am inspired to make him known. When I live fully alive I leave a mark, an impact, and a legacy.
So I’ll start now. In the paradox, confusion, and unknown. I’ll acknowledge where I’m at and solicit support. And I’ll love it all. Embrace mystery. The future isn’t written and the best is yet to come.
I said goodbye to a car I loved last night, standing in the cold as the tow hauled it away. This happened four days after it had finally become drivable again from a previous near total loss (which was a sordid tale itself I’ll tell you over coffee).
It was a late night and this morning is an early morning. My body is sore from getting jerked in my spinning car, I have a full plate of responsibilities ahead of me in my day job, and I’m finalizing the content for the masterclass this week which I believe will be a milestone for my growing coaching business and bring glory to God’s name and highlight the power of his word.
I’m tired.
Without having consciously decided, I believed my previous wreck happened TO me. I allowed it to drain my energy and time and dampen my spirit.
This new accident is going to give me a redo. I’m going to decide it is happening FOR me, not to me. I’m not sure how yet, but I believe it will GIVE me energy and time and RAISE my spirits. I’ve got to believe that. Because this week just isn’t going to work if I don’t.
I don’t have to feel the wreck is going to be a benefit, but I’m going to decide to believe that it is.
There are many hard things in life, present, past, and future, that I would not consider necessary or good.
I don’t have to believe the car accidents were good. I don’t have to believe the abuse I experienced as a child was good. I don’t have to believe my development of unwanted same-sex attraction was good.
But me and my present are valuable enough to decide to use it all to my advantage.
All my life, I’ve admired men who exhibit this quality: a confident sense of purpose.
It was a mystery to me how someone could show up fully present, comfortable in their own skin, clear on who they are, focused on a purpose, and not shy to express it.
I aspired to be steady, certain, and confident. What I knew was doubt, worry, and timidity.
When I looked at men who exhibited the qualities I aspired to, this is what I saw:
The opposite of me.
Their presence reminded me of what I believed I lacked.
I allowed admiration to trigger self-doubt. A disempowering cycle developed: Self-doubt fueled my hunger for approval. This heightened my focus on the men I admired, triggering more self-doubt, on repeat.
I was stuck.
It wasn’t my admiration that was the problem – it was what I allowed the object of my admiration to mean about me. Their steadiness told me I was unsure. Their certainty told me I doubted. Their confidence told me I lacked it.
In time, I learned to let the men I was attracted to remind me of my own strength, certainty, and purpose. When I see a man who appears to have a confident sense of purpose, I now say “I’m like him. And because I am a man of strength and purpose in Christ, I choose to grow.” I let other men be an inspiration to build upon my positive qualities rather than tear myself down.
When you see someone you admire, what do you say to yourself?
If you say, “I don’t measure up. I’m not like them,” try switching it for, “They inspire me to be better. How can I grow?”
The fact that I was created to make a unique mark in the world didn’t feel true.
Between you and me, one of my favorite songs features female vocals by a fox dressed in a green alien costume jumping on a trampoline. There. I said it.
I give the credit to my daughters who played Sing 2 on repeat.
The best part is the lyrics. They align with my desire to live each day to the fullest.
Don’t wanna live as an untold story
Rather go out in a blaze of glory
I wanna taste love and pain
Wanna feel pride and shame
I don’t wanna take my time
Don’t wanna waste one line
I wanna live better days
Never look back and say
It could have been me
I want to leave a legacy. I want to take steps with a confident sense of purpose towards a compelling future, and I want to feel each day along the way.
I used to believe that was a life I wasn’t qualified to live.
If I was truly authentic, people would be worse off because my brokenness would be known. If I loosened my composure, feminine mannerisms may be exposed and I could be judged as gay. If I acted like I had something unique to offer, others might have ready reasons to object.
Most of all, living fully and authentically just felt wrong. When I tried it, my mind and body reminded me with negative thoughts, heavy shoulders, a tight chest and shallow breathing that I was best in a supporting role with easy access to off-stage.
Now, the truth that I have unique purposes and am complete in Christ through his saving work on the cross isn’t just head knowledge. It is integrated into my being.
How did God bring me here?
My journey included a decision, followed by curiosity, vulnerability, and courage.
Before it felt true, I decided to believe that what God said about me was true.
Then, when my thoughts and feelings objected to living in alignment with truth, I got curious as to why. What was I afraid of? What was the lie I was believing? Where had the lie originated? I checked the evidence and most often found it lacking.
I vulnerably shared my insights with trusted friends and mentors. They grieved with me for the boy who was handed the lie “I am an observer,” as he was picked last in PE and sat on the bench. They saw my younger self who struggled against his father’s strength begin to believe, “I don’t have what it takes.” I borrowed their courage and felt their love when they said “me too” and “it’s going to be okay.”
Then, I took more redemptive risks. I let go of my limiting stories of the past and vividly imagined the future I felt God calling me to and allowed myself to feel the emotion of it. I aligned my current actions with the version of myself I envisioned in that future scene. And I realized I was that person all along.
Eventually, as I consistently lived aligned with the truth, my mind and body began getting on board. That has made life easier and allows me to focus my energy on living the life of impact and service God has for me.
And I choose to love it all. The joy, the grief, the shame, the tears, the hope, and the triumph. And I invite you to as well.
As a bonus, I’ll set an example of being courageously authentic by letting you know I don’t just love the lyrics to the song “It Could Have Been Me,” I love the video too. 🙂
Here is the link. Beware of the tap dancing furballs in the background. They are creepy.
A few years ago, I woke up one morning with the following question on my mind: “How can I ensure nothing bad happens today?” It was a question I experienced on repeat, often subtle, but always present. That day it was more pronounced.
I looked at the day ahead and considered the coworkers, friends, and family I would interact with and how my focus on self-protection would hinder my ability to connect, be mindful of their needs, and impact their lives. I wanted more for them and for me.
I can appreciate where my high value for security came from. I was vulnerable as a kid, confused as a teenager, and stunned by a nervous breakdown prior to college graduation. I doubted that I was okay and that things were going to be okay.
After college, God did an incredible healing work in my life. He gave me the courage to face abuse, depression, unwanted same-sex attraction, and sin. He blessed me with a family to love and protect. I was steady. Life was good. And I wanted it to stay that way.
But I also had a responsibility to inspire my family, set an example of courage and responsible risk-taking, and show them what God can do when we get out of His way. I wanted to leave a legacy for them and others. I wanted the next forty years of my life to be jam packed with rich experiences, changed lives, and a gaze that was consistently turned towards Christ’s.
I knew security needed to be taken down a few rungs from the top of my value ladder. I decided to replace it with values that would give me the life I felt called to. You may make fun of me for what I did next.
I walked into my favorite coffee shop with a journal and a printed list of values. After ordering my latte, I scanned the list and ranked them 1-10. Am I the only person that does stuff like this? Maybe so. But I’m glad I did.
Here was the list:
Love
Success
Freedom
Intimacy
Security
Adventure
Power
Passion
Comfort
Health
When I read them, security felt dull compared to the rest. Adventure and passion had flashing lights around them and little signs saying “pick me!”
So I did.
I cleared them with God and considered them daily.
I began raising my hand to take on new opportunities. I spoke up more often. I saw obstacles as stepping stones to new levels of adventure. And last year, when the idea entered my mind to create content for men experiencing unwanted same-sex attraction, I acted on it rather than dismissing it.
Since then, God has prompted me to step out more publicly with my story, coach men who are allowing their unwanted attractions or lesser desires to hold them back, and collaborate with other counselors and coaches. I have consistently said yes and I’m having a blast.
Are there any values that no longer serve you? Consider how you want your life to look in the years to come, take inventory of your values, try on some new ones, and let God take it from there.
We don’t need to wait for us or our circumstances to change before allowing ourselves to feel good, accept ourselves and love life. In fact, waiting for those things is a hindrance to our growth. It has been for me in my journey.
I used to believe feeling good was dependent on outside forces. I remember wanting a guy to befriend me so I could not just be accepted but to feel acceptable. I wanted to be more muscular not just to be physically stronger but to feel like a strong person. I hoped my unwanted same-sex attractions would go away and opposite-sex attractions would grow not just so it might be easier to develop a relationship with a woman but so I could feel capable of one.
It was fine to want friends, a stronger body, and romantic feelings towards women, but often what I wanted more was the feeling I believed those things would give me. Life would be more enjoyable if I felt acceptable, strong, and capable. I would no longer have to feel alone, weak, and unqualified. I would do almost anything to avoid those feelings. I didn’t realize that I could choose to feel empowered whenever I wanted, regardless of external circumstances, my achievements, or whatever my default thoughts and emotions were telling me.
I remember getting invited to dinner with some other freshman guys from my dorm. They joked around as we walked to a popular hangout, and when we entered, they confidently raised their voices to hear each other over the crowd. I was quiet when we were walking and overwhelmed when we got to the packed restaurant. I wanted to feel at ease, confident, and free but I didn’t know how.
So my brain made some suggestions. First, it raised the question, “If these guys feel confident and free and I don’t, what do they have that I don’t possess which allows them to feel that way?” (If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll spot that as a flawed question). Then, my brain began taking an inventory: The other guys were bigger than me, always had something to say, and didn’t break eye contact when a girl looked their way. They didn’t doubt that they belonged there.
I felt overwhelmed, alone, intimidated, and discouraged. But if developing the qualities they had is what it would take for me to feel confident, worthy, and comfortable, I was all in. The problem is by focusing on that list of perceived shortcomings, I was telling myself that feeling good, accepting myself, and enjoying life in the moment had requirements for entry that I hadn’t met. At the time, I was blind to that being a lie.
I was in the habit of living that way. I collected standards and expectations of myself to achieve in the future so that I could enjoy the present. But I never reached the end of the list. I was constantly raising the bar and adding more items. I wasn’t experiencing life. I was in a holding pattern until I earned the right to live it fully.
When I look back on that restaurant scene, I grieve for the version of me who shortchanged himself the opportunity to enjoy a rich college experience – being a part of a group of new freshmen walking into a popular hangout filled with tons of different people and soaking it in. What could have been an evening of discovery became a place of anxiety that I wanted to escape from until I could return as a more attractive, confident and opposite-sex attracted version of me.
What I realize now is that I don’t have to wait to feel good and enjoy life. Here are a few tools I use when I find myself postponing joy and standing on the sidelines.
Tools to Live Fully Now
Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
We can all feel scared in new situations. We may feel compelled to escape. That’s okay. We don’t have to be without fear or insecurity to enjoy ourselves. We can observe the list our brain may start creating of how we don’t measure up and how we need to change. We can acknowledge our emotions, thoughts, and attractions and choose to look at them productively as they occur or save that processing for later and practice enjoying the present moment regardless. We can be uncomfortable AND choose how we want to feel and how we want to experience the moment.
The same applies to starting the growth journey of navigating unwanted same-sex attractions. It can be scary and uncomfortable to look at a part of your life you may have put effort into avoiding, but the work is worthwhile and rewarding. So, get comfortable being uncomfortable. Be ready to do some deep work, but don’t make the mistake of believing the work is a requirement to feel complete or experience a life of joy. Decide you will be grateful for life as it is, love yourself, and the process, and invite Christ into it.
Give Thanks
We can thank God for the opportunity to walk into something new, take a courageous action, and embrace vulnerability in the moment. Gratitude and fear can’t coexist.
Get Curious and Take Action
We can look at the list of requirements and expectations our mind creates and get curious about what may have inspired them. Then we can honor the healthy things we long for, choose to find evidence of their existence in our lives already, and consider how we might develop them more in God’s timing.
Impact of this Mindset
Now I can walk into an overwhelming situation and simply observe my emotions, thoughts, attractions, and my brains attempt to escape them. And while that is going on, I can also appreciate the new scene, the dynamic people in it, and enjoy the possibility that something really cool could happen when I step into a crowd both scared and brave. And I can love it all.
When I begin coaching someone who feels overwhelmed by same-sex attractions, I invite them to look at their life, the good and the bad, what they are both satisfied with and what they don’t like and decide to love it all. Growth is a never-ending process. If we don’t choose to love ourselves and life at the beginning of our growth journey, we won’t know how to love them once we are further along the path. Also, there is no better motivator than love.
Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This can apply to accepting our circumstances and progress along our growth journey also. Doing deep personal work from a place of joy, strength, acceptance, and love will propel you further and make the process more enjoyable, even when moving through grief, hurt, and loss.
Embracing this mindset allows me to enjoy the present moment and confidently engage in the hard work of personal growth and change. I know that life doesn’t wait—and neither should we. God has given us His presence to enjoy now, gifts to be shared now, and his gospel to be spread now.
Are you in the habit of waiting until you or circumstances look different before allowing yourself to feel good and love life? If so, continue the work of sanctification and growth, but receive God’s love now, just as you are. Strive towards a better tomorrow, but love God’s gift of today. Get in the habit of it.
Evidence of the Gospel
Finally, when I think of how easy it is to create a list of things to do before we can allow ourselves to embrace life, it reminds me of the power of the gospel. The Bible says that “While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” He doesn’t give us any prerequisites to meet before coming to Him to invite His fullness of joy and radical love into our life. Let’s follow His example and treat ourselves the same way as we live this beautiful and messy life He allows us to walk.
If you listen to or read my testimony, you will have a picture of the day during my fine arts class freshman year of college when I had the largest sexualized attraction to a guy in my life. I believe my body and mind were telling me that connecting physically with my classmate was the answer to my nagging questions, “Am I okay and will everything be okay?” The problem was, I didn’t want to be sexual with him.
Those strong sensations and emotions were evidence of the sexual attraction and romantic feelings I experienced toward guys. But what evidence was there of the desires I consider to be authentically me?
Last weekend, I rediscovered my portfolio of drawings from architecture school and opened it to share with my kids. I hadn’t looked at it in twenty years and had forgotten it included my final project from that fine arts class. My drawings illustrated scenes I found intriguing and mysterious at the time. I’ve included photos of them below.
A young man and woman walk along a quiet street, hand-in-hand. His steps are confident and sure. He squeezes her hand when they catch a glimpse between the mid-rise buildings of changing lights pulsing to faint music.
She is just stunning. Her flowing dress hangs delicately from her smooth shoulders. She catches his gaze and smiles. She turns her attention to the upcoming scene and this time she is the one to squeeze his hand.
They enjoy a magical night. On the dance floor, her hand rests on his shoulder and his solid grip steadies her waist. He moves toward her. She steps backwards, trusting this man who knows who he is and the life he can offer her.
I wanted to be that man who had a strong frame for a woman to steady herself against. I wanted to walk with a mesmerizing woman, knowing there would always be something more to discover about her.
That was my true desire. My sexualized attachments to guys weren’t something to ignore, but they didn’t deserve to dim or disqualify the beautiful vision I enjoyed bringing to life on paper.
If I could speak to my younger self who had no clue how to move forward with his desires in conflict, I would say, “Love your vision. Don’t hold back from imagining the life you want in vivid detail. Allow yourself that pleasure. Your other desires won’t hurt you. They are present but not powerful. Let them be something you gain strength by learning from. At the same time, move towards the life you want without hesitation. I’m here for you. You’ve got this.”
For many years, my automatic beliefs didn’t serve me. I believed I didn’t have what it takes to make it in life, that the world was a scary place, and that others were better off with me on the sidelines. These beliefs kept me from enjoying the fullness of life and showing up as my authentic self, uniquely created for God’s kingdom purposes. With those beliefs, I would find myself detaching from life and giving my power to others.
I like this belief I chose much better: I am complete in Christ, with limitless potential when I submit to His leading.
Where did my false beliefs come from, and why did they feel so true? How did my beliefs change? I’ll share my understanding of it. As you read, consider your beliefs. Decide whether they are true and empowering and ask God to make His truth feel more real than the lies.
Belief Formation
Beliefs are typically shaped in one of two ways:
1. Our personal experiences, assumptions, and reasoning.
2. Accepting what others tell us as truth.
Most of our core beliefs are established during childhood. At this stage, we are highly impressionable and seek meaning in nearly everything due to our innate curiosity. At a young age, we rarely question our interpretation of experiences and often accept what we are told as fact.
In addition, when those experiences or words are emotionally charged, resulting beliefs embed deeper and require more work to replace.
Types of Beliefs
Beliefs can be categorized as either global beliefs or rules.
Global beliefs are overarching and affect many areas of our lives. My belief that the world is a scary place is a perfect example! With that belief, I was on guard, prioritized safety, and avoided risk. I missed out on much of what life had to offer and limited my potential.
Rules are specific criteria that dictate our behaviors. For example, because the world is a scary place, when someone tells me what to do, I must say yes to avoid losing their approval. Or, when an opportunity comes up, it is better to let someone else go first to avoid risk.
Belief Formation
Here is an example of belief formation in my life:
I’ll never forget the wrestling matches my dad had with me. If you follow my content, you’ve heard me talk about them. They were emotionally and physically charged. My brain worked overtime trying to make sense of them.
My dad introduced wrestling as a favorite pastime of fathers and sons. But it always turned one-sided. Shortly after we began, I would find myself pinned between his legs struggling to obey his command to break free. My strength was no match for the force he used and I had no choice but to give up. But he didn’t stop. He repeated “C’mon!” I would push again but his legs just tightened more. I wanted to please him and enjoy connecting with him but his demand became increasingly unrealistic. Losing was the only option he gave.
I remember feeling confused, angry, afraid, and sad.
I thought to myself: I don’t understand how I am supposed to win. Does he think I should be able to? Maybe something is wrong with me. What will it take to make him happy? Am I really supposed to enjoy this?
The contrast between me and my dad seemed significant. He was all powerful and I was weak. He got to make the rules. My voice didn’t count.
I can see how my interpretations of that experience and the answers that I (or the enemy) gave to my questions contributed to the following global beliefs:
I am not strong enough.
I am not like other men.
My voice doesn’t count.
My best effort is not enough.
I am someone who loses.
I am alone.
Rules that took root were:
When a challenge is placed before me, I have to push beyond what is reasonable, and I can’t trust myself to know what’s reasonable.
If I don’t keep doing what someone wants, I won’t be loved.
How the Mind Works
My young mind was trying to make sense of a confusing situation. It was trying to decide what the experience meant about me, other people, and the world. It didn’t know how to be neutral. It had to apply a meaning to it.
Our Brains are Meaning-Making Machines
Our brains constantly interpret and assign significance to information we receive. This helps us make sense of the world, but our brains don’t always get it right. It may misinterpret information or rely on incomplete data, leading to false beliefs or misconceptions.
I assumed my dad was like most other men, so I generalized my view of men based on my experience with him. I took his word as truth when he said other boys enjoyed wrestling, which meant I was not like other boys. It was apparent I was not a good judge of what was right or reasonable, which meant I must rely on the judgment of others.
Building Legs of a Stool
Whatever hypothesis our brain makes of a situation, it is compelled to find support for it, like building legs on a stool.
When I believed I was unlike other boys, it was easy to find evidence it was true. They never missed when high-fiving each other. My aim was off. Other boys didn’t hit the soccer ball into the wrong goal. I watched from the bench.
When I did see evidence that I was like other guys, I dismissed it as a one-off.
Impact of Beliefs
Beliefs direct our focus, drive our thoughts and actions, and open up or close opportunities.
Beliefs Direct Focus
Beliefs act as a filter for our attention, honing in on information that aligns with what we have accepted as true.
If I don’t believe I’m okay as I am and can’t trust myself to know what’s reasonable, I will turn my focus to other people to give me the rules of life. I’ll seek validation from them and try to figure out how I need to be. I did this a ton! I looked at other guys and imagined what I needed to do to call myself a man. It didn’t occur to me that I was already acceptable. I copied the confident appearance of my classmates and coworkers while never letting myself measure up.
Empowering Beliefs Open Doors
When I walk into a room knowing I’ve got what it takes for any task God places before me, I’m more likely to make eye contact with people that could intimidate me, approaching them with a posture of discovery and appreciation, and be open to opportunities that may come up.
False Beliefs Limit Possibilities
Disempowering beliefs can bias our mental filter, causing us to overlook opportunities and potential solutions by labeling them as irrelevant or beyond our capabilities. If I was convinced I wasn’t qualified as a man, why would I take on a task I believed only a real man could do? Then, by not stepping boldly into the masculine realm, I reinforced my place as an observer of it.
The thought, “I won’t be able to handle this,” could easily arise, inviting feelings of defeat, detachment, and helplessness. I don’t like those feelings or the results they bring, but allowing them is often easier than fighting for different beliefs.
How to Integrate New Beliefs
To change your life, you need to identify limiting beliefs that no longer serve you and replace them with empowering beliefs.
Integrating new beliefs into our daily life goes beyond simply telling ourselves what we want to believe; it requires consistent practice and reinforcement until they become automatic. This process involves engaging our emotions, repeatedly exposing ourselves to the new beliefs, and creating habits that support them.
Below are practices I have found helpful in questioning and changing my deeply held beliefs. Consider what may work for you to embed beliefs that align with God’s word.
1 – Check the Facts
State the limiting belief, then ask: What is the evidence supporting it? What is its source?, and What does God’s word say?
Evaluating the evidence helps to distinguish between assumptions and facts. Understanding a belief’s origin is key in assessing its reliability and intent. Holding beliefs up to the light of God’s word allows us to discern if they are in alignment with the truth.
When I considered the faulty evidence that formed the legs of my false beliefs that I was weak, someone who loses, and dependent on others for validation, the beliefs began to wobble. Being overpowered by my father didn’t mean I was weak or a loser, it meant that I endured pain as a young man and was strong for moving through it. The impossible challenge to break free from my dad’s grip was not a good determiner of my ability to win in life. God’s word says that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
My dad was often a poor source of truth about me. A good father consistently points their son to the Creator to reinforce their identity as image bearers of Him. I believe it was Satan, the father of lies, who used this gap in my training to direct my focus to other people for validation rather than the Giver of Life.
God’s word is clear that in Christ, we have strength in weakness, abounding love, and are more than conquerors:
Romans 8:37-39 states:
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
2 – Clarify Your Purpose
I took time to get clear on what I wanted my life to look like, in line with God’s will, and what I needed to believe to make it happen. This allowed me to target lies that were getting in the way of my purpose and motivated me to get clear on the truth and live aligned with it.
Below are four questions I pose to men to help them uncover limiting beliefs and prompt new answers to live an empowered life aligned with their vision and God’s truth: What does it mean to be a man?, What is my place in the world?, What do I have to offer others?, and How does God see me? Consider beliefs that come to mind when you ask those four questions. Identify which are empowering you and which are holding you back. Note any patterns that emerge.
To illustrate this, I’ll share my unconscious beliefs stemming from physical abuse that included the wrestling matches with my dad, along with the new beliefs I consciously chose.
1 – What does it mean to be a man?
Unconscious Beliefs:
To overpower others.
To never admit defeat.
Beliefs I chose:
To create, serve, and give from a place of love.
To take action aligned with God’s will even if scared.
To reduce the suffering of others.
To invite others into the loving presence of Christ.
2 – What is my place in the world?
Unconscious Beliefs:
An observer. I belong on the sidelines, watching others play full out in life. I’m not qualified.
Separate from men.
Disconnected from myself and my body.
Beliefs I chose:
I can feel comfortable in my own skin. I can be at home anywhere, believing others are better off in my presence because it reflects Christ.
I belong wherever God places me and I bring great value.
3 – What do I have to offer others?
Unconscious Beliefs:
I’m too weak to offer much.
I need to get what I believe I’m missing before I have anything to give to others.
Beliefs I chose:
What I have to offer others is limitless. Whatever God decides for me to grow into and give. 1 Corinthians 2:9 states: “But, as it is written, ‘What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.’”
4 – How does God see me?
Unconscious Beliefs:
God is unmoved by my suffering.
I am not worth helping.
If I see myself as weak, maybe God does too.
Beliefs I chose:
As His beloved son.
Perfect through the work of Christ.
A partner in His mission.
Lovable, strong, capable, and courageous.
My Purpose Statement
Recently, I prayerfully crafted a purpose statement that I review each day:
I am someone who believes in the power of truth to clear away the fog that veils the fullness of life God intends for us, someone who never gives up on anyone, and gives generously out of
abundance.
I foster clarity of purpose, build courageously, prioritize growth, and help others to live fully alive. I empower my family, community, and clients to choose a life activated by the work of
Christ, for God’s glory and their greatest joy, prioritizing knowing Christ and making Him known.
3 – Embrace Emotion
Experiencing strong emotion while integrating new beliefs gives them impact. Emotions act as powerful catalysts for change, helping to make new beliefs feel more real and significant. Emotional engagement not only accelerates the adoption of new beliefs but also makes the process more meaningful and motivating. Here are ways to do this:
Visualization
Spend time daily visualizing your new beliefs and the life that comes with them. Engage all your senses and emotions, feeling the joy and excitement as if it’s already happening.
Before I stepped into being more public with my story, creating content, and coaching men to live beyond their unwanted attractions and negative habits, I envisioned myself doing it. I imagined working with men through the curriculum I was developing and felt the joy that would bring. This communicated to my mind that it was possible, I was capable, and that courage brings joy.
Affirmations with Emotion
Create affirmations for your new beliefs and say them out loud with strong, positive emotions. Feel the conviction and enthusiasm as you repeat them.
When Tony Robbins was young, he would repeat this phrase to himself while running: “Everyday in every way I’m getting stronger and stronger!” It’s a little cheesy, but it strengthened his belief that he could be more than what was modeled for him or expected of him. He believes in the power of integrating movement, energy, and voice in solidifying new beliefs.
If you had watched me and my son on the trampoline last year, you would have either laughed or been inspired as we chanted that same phrase to the night sky, my son on my shoulders and me taking bounding steps in a circle along the protective netting. Whether those words sank into us or not, we had a blast.
Practice Gratitude
Reflect on moments where your new beliefs have positively impacted your life, no matter how small, and allow yourself to feel gratitude and fulfillment.
I can thank God for both my strength and my weakness. My strength is a reflection of His image. My weakness invites His strong presence.
Emotional Anchoring
Use a physical object, like a bracelet or a coin, to anchor your positive emotions. Each time you touch or see this object, take a moment to immerse yourself in the empowering feelings associated with your new beliefs.
Grieve
The Psalms are filled with lament. David repeatedly poured out his emotion to God in faith, inviting Him into his pain and trusting God to turn his face back toward the truth.
I have shed tears of loss, regret, and shame. I grieved the loss of connection with my father, the results of my poor choices, and opportunities I missed when I was too scared to raise my hand.
I didn’t know what was going to be on the other side of those tears. I found out it was courage, strength, resilience, and hope. When I shared my lament with others, the benefits multiplied.
Get Angry
Sometimes, you’ve got to get mad. I tapped into my power when shouting at an empty chair I imagined my dad sitting in. I was in the company of trusted men. I told my dad what my six year old self couldn’t. “You hurt me. I hate you. I am stronger than you know.” I had to give myself permission to do that.
Years later, when my dad was hurting, I was able to use my unquestioned strength to tell him, “I love you. I’m here for you. You’re not alone.”
Use Pain and Pleasure
Associating pain to limiting beliefs and pleasure with new, empowering beliefs is a powerful strategy for personal transformation.
By vividly linking negative emotions and consequences to our limiting beliefs, we create a strong aversion to them. For example, if I hold the belief that I’m not good enough, I can imagine the pain and regret of missed opportunities and a life unfulfilled due to this belief.
On the other hand, by associating pleasure with new beliefs, like viewing oneself as capable and deserving of success, we align these beliefs with positive outcomes. When we tie positive emotions, such as joy, excitement, or a sense of achievement, to our new beliefs, it reinforces neural pathways, making these beliefs stronger and more accessible. Think of creative ways to do that in your life.
4 – Step Out of Your Comfort Zone
“Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.” – Neale Donald Walsch
When your new beliefs take you to the edge of your comfort zone, your mind asks “Is this safe?,” “Is change worth the risk?” Take one step over the line to respond yes. Fear may arise. Be ready to respond with courage. You are telling yourself you are someone that has a vision strong enough to challenge old beliefs and live out of new ones. It will take a while for your nervous system to catch up.
It took many times raising my hand to take on a leadership task in a group filled with qualified men before my fear was edged out by gladness. But each time I did, I confirmed my identity as a strong, successful leader. That belief began to feel more true.
Consider what uncomfortable places you could allow your beliefs to take you. Maybe it is walking into the gym, learning a sport, speaking up to your boss, or sharing your unwanted attractions or negative habits with a friend.
5 – Get Vulnerable
Years ago, a new mentor sat across from me at a restaurant patio and asked if I’d been abused. He said that something I shared caused him to raise the question. I paused. Stating it out loud would make it real and shut the door on any fantasy that it wasn’t part of my life. But I would be able to stop holding my breath.
When I answered yes, my body both sighed and became alert at once. Nearby conversations muffled as I awaited his response. I had breached my comfort zone and stepped into vulnerability.
When he listened openly and validated my experience, I could no longer say I was alone. By sharing my abuse, I showed my strength. My belief that I was weak and separate from others had evidence stacked against it.
Over the years, I have developed relationships with people who confirm what is true and are faithful to walk beside me as I work to integrate new beliefs. I share my dreams, longings, and fears with them.
Vulnerability is hard, but it’s worth it. It is a gift for you and those who receive it. Surround yourself with people who affirm what is true about you and magnify your life of purpose and possibility.
6 – Honor Your Younger Self
Honoring your younger self can be a powerful and transformative practice when working on changing limiting beliefs. By acknowledging and validating the experiences and emotions of your younger self, you create a compassionate and understanding relationship with the past. This process helps to reduce self-criticism and judgment, allowing for a more open and accepting mindset. It fosters self-compassion, which is crucial for healing and growth.
Recognizing that the limiting beliefs were formed as a way to cope or make sense of the world at that time enables us to release any shame or guilt associated with them. Instead of seeing those beliefs as flaws, we can view them as protective mechanisms that once served a purpose. This shift in perspective makes it easier to let go of the old, unhelpful beliefs and embrace new, empowering ones.
Consider writing a letter to your younger self as a way to honor the part of you that needs encouragement and care. Read the letter I wrote to my younger self when he was confused by his dads behavior and feeling alone here.
Something Greater
The struggles we face with limiting beliefs and false narratives in our lives point to a greater spiritual battle that Christ has already won. In His love and sacrifice on the cross, Jesus dismantled the ultimate falsehood of sin and death, offering us freedom and truth.
If you find yourself burdened by limiting beliefs, consider turning to Christ, the author of truth and salvation. Embrace His victory and allow His love and truth to liberate you from the chains of falsehood, guiding you toward a life of purpose, freedom, and eternal hope.
Three Core Beliefs
As you can see, the beliefs we hold deeply influence our actions, perspectives, and overall well-being. I’d like to leave you with three core beliefs I believe significantly contribute to living a life of purpose and fulfillment:
“I am complete in Christ.” This is a result of the transforming power of the gospel. While it is a concrete truth, I don’t always feel it or live like it is. God is gracious to remind me of it.
“Life is happening for me, not to me.” This is a catchy version of what the Apostle Paul states in Romans 8: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” It transforms my obstacles into opportunities.
“I can make a difference.” Belief in one’s ability to make an impact in the world through the power of Christ and for His kingdom fuels decisions in line with His will and our identity and purpose.
Remember, your beliefs are not set in stone. You have the power to reprogram your mind and create a life that genuinely reflects your potential. Know that God is for you and is in your corner. So am I.
I’ve shared before the scene where my dad would pin me down during an activity he called wrestling and urge me to break free. But his grip rendered me powerless to exert force against him. I would try to obey his command but eventually give up. It was an impossible and confounding task.
In my coaching program, we choose a scene from our life and write a letter to ourselves in it. This is the letter I wrote to my eight-year-old self who wanted to please his dad and show his strength.
Read my letter to Little Jason below. I pray it will give you permission to honor your story and let your younger self know they are seen. Doing so will empower you in the present and open your heart to love yourself, God, and others more.
Little Jason,
You are strong. Don’t believe otherwise. What your dad is doing is not right. Dads are supposed to create experiences that make you feel big and strong, not small and weak.
You want to please your dad and make him proud. You want him to look at you with admiration, respect, and care. I honor that in you. You are not the reason you aren’t receiving those things. It’s him.
Believe my words: You have great worth and value. You are not alone or forgotten. You haven’t met them yet, but there are so many people in the world that will confirm that in you.
Over the years, I’ve had to grieve the loss of the dad I hoped for. You want a dad you can depend on. You should have it. But our dad isn’t reliable. God can transform anyone, but your job right now is to believe God made you for a unique purpose and loves you to the moon and back. It is true, no matter what anyone says or does.
I wish I could make hurtful words and actions bounce off you rather than sink into your mind and heart. I’d like to stand in front of you with my arms out to guard you.
Know that it isn’t your job to make dad happy even though he may tell you it is. A lot of things he says aren’t true. I know that is confusing. I’m sorry.
Little Jason, there is so much richness to life available than what you know now. Soon you will have a desire to write but you’ll think it is selfish to do so. It’s not. Believe that God wants you to lean into your interests and use them for His glory.
God doesn’t just love you, he likes you. He likes you a lot. Just like me, He would love to hang out with you. He wants to know what you are thinking and feeling. He wants to encourage your curiosity and wonder and hear all about it. God’s got all the time in the world and has no agenda except to love you.
God created you strong. Strength is not something outside of you, beyond your reach. It permeates you. I admire the strength you showed when you told your dad he hurt you. His reaction doesn’t discount it. Feeling helpless, confused, or defeated doesn’t mean you are weak. They are opportunities to allow God to remind you of your strength and let you borrow His.
I asked a friend recently, “If you are vulnerable with someone and get hurt, is it worth it? Is it possible you could be better off for being vulnerable even though the outcome wasn’t what you desired?” He responded, “No, I have been hurt enough.” My heart broke for him.
I get it. It is hard to put yourself out there not knowing what you’ll encounter. My heart was heavy for him not only for the hurt he experienced but also for the aliveness he is missing out on by prioritizing protection. I want more for him and for myself than self-protection offers.
In life, we know that acceptance and reciprocation of vulnerability are not always encountered. It has been easy for me to keep my cards close to my chest out of fear of being hurt, but doing so kept love and connection at arm’s length.
While we want to be wise and not “throw our pearls before swine,” healthy risk without expectation is empowering. The practice of being vulnerable is a reward in itself. It leads us to become more connected, compassionate, and confident individuals. Below are tangible benefits:
1. Empowerment Through Action
Building Confidence: Each act of vulnerability builds inner strength and confidence even if it isn’t reciprocated. By taking proactive steps, we gain a sense of control over our actions and emotions.
Personal Growth: Over time, these repeated efforts contribute to personal growth. They help confront and overcome fears, thereby fostering resilience and adaptability.
2. Emotional Intelligence
Self-Awareness: Practicing vulnerability enhances self-awareness. It allows us to be in touch with our emotions and understand our reactions better.
Empathy Development: These practices foster empathy, as being vulnerable helps us appreciate and validate our own and others’ emotional experiences.
3. Internal Benefits
Authentic Living: Consistent vulnerability practice aligns with living authentically. It reinforces that being true to ourselves, aligned with our identity in Christ, is invaluable, irrespective of external validation.
Reduced Fear of Rejection: Regular exposure to vulnerability reduces the fear and sting of rejection over time. It normalizes the experience and builds a thicker emotional skin.
4. Healthier Relationships
Breaking Barriers: Vulnerability breaks down emotional barriers, promoting deeper and more meaningful relationships.
Trust Building: Even if not every attempt is reciprocated, those that are will be built on genuine trust and connection.
5. Mental Well-Being
Emotional Release: Expressing vulnerability is a form of emotional release, reducing internal stress and promoting mental well-being.
Positive Reinforcement Cycle: Each positive experience, no matter how small, can create a positive reinforcement cycle that encourages further attempts at connection.
In her most famous TED Talk, Brene Brown, Author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, says this:
“This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen – deeply seen, vulnerably seen – to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee, to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we’re wondering, ‘“Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?,’ just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, means we can say, ‘I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.’”
Let’s keep pushing forward in vulnerability, knowing that every step we take in vulnerability and connection is a step toward greater empowerment and authenticity.
The psalmist said “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.”
It is easy for me to agree with that verse intellectually, but it is not always my felt belief. I scroll social media, stare into the refrigerator, ruminate on mistakes, and do plenty of other things that don’t align with my true satisfaction and desire to be in His presence.
I want this to be the reflex of my mind, body, and emotions when a challenge or temptation arises: to reflect on His goodness and reach out for His hand. I want my first impulse to be turning towards His face and stepping into His presence rather than seek flattery from a stranger, images on a screen, or fleeting pleasures.
In a moment of overwhelm, loneliness, or hurt, I can FEEL certain that porn or a sexual encounter is the antidote. At times, my whole being has seemed to say, “Dude, porn is next the right move. What are you waiting for?” But that is not what I want.
I desire a sustained feeling of certainty that God is what is best. I want that truth to be deeply embedded in me. If you ask me if He is best, I hope to blurt out, “Oh man, don’t get me started! The answer is yes, yes, and yes!” I desire that more than anything.
I am convinced that believing in the core of who you are that God is better is key to moving beyond your unwanted attractions and taming your triggers. It has to be more than knowing God is best. It’s a truth that must permeate us.
Here are some strategies that have worked for me to embed that truth:
Observe Yourself
I read the story of the Fall and want to grab Adam and Eve by the shoulders and say, “Are y’all crazy?? Look at this place! You’ll trade it for one apple?” Picturing that scene reinforces to me that God’s presence trumps whatever shiny object catches my attention. It is so obvious when looking in from the outside.
I can take a moment to step out of my scene of struggle and observe it. I can see myself closing up and getting tunnel vision on a single solution. I can have compassion for myself. Then I can wave to get my attention, smile, and motion towards freedom.
Use Pleasure and Pain to Your Advantage
As humans, we are naturally driven to avoid pain and seek pleasure. We draw our hand quickly from a hot stove. We reach for a cold glass of water on a summer day.
But I’ve often gotten pain and pleasure backwards when it comes to my quiet time with God. Time with Him has felt dry while porn has been immersive.
If you are in that place, take time to put the facts on paper. Write out the pain that negative habits and choices have brought you. Write the pleasures God promises us when entering His presence. Compare your lists. Meditate on the truth and ask Him to make it feel more real to you. Review your list when you are presented with a choice and ensure you are assigning pleasure and pain to your options correctly.
Know it’s a Matter of Life and Death
No, someone is not likely to find you lifeless at the keyboard in the morning after a bout with porn. But it is helpful to believe that no life is found through the screen or in the arms of an illicit lover. Not even a little bit of life.
The enemy tells me my negative habits and sinful desires have something to offer me. I believe him and then engage my willpower to push them away. But it’s not the porn or object of my lust I should be fighting. It’s the lie that those things are of benefit that I need to hold up to the truth.
Sin is lifeless. God is life. In His presence is fullness of joy. In Him, our cup overflows. A day in His courts is truly better than a thousand elsewhere.
“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!” Deuteronomy 30:19
What is Holding You back?
Consider what hindrances you are experiencing to believing God is what is best. In my life, I have believed He was disinterested or disappointed in me. I have allowed shame to hold me back from entering His presence and opening to Him. The solution wasn’t to impress Him or do less things I was ashamed of. My next right step was to rest in Him.
The next time a challenge or disappointment arises and you are presented with the choice between God’s presence and something lesser, choose His courts. Choose His goodness and His face. Choose His mercy and grace. Choose life. Invite Him to be your go-to response.
I believe the greatest driver of unwanted same-sex attractions is a belief and feeling of separateness. In my life, I believed I was separate from other guys and masculinity as a whole. I was often out of touch with my power and purpose. And even while a believer, I have felt separate from God’s favor and protection. But no matter what we feel, Paul’s words to the church in Rome are true: “…nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.”
Jesus’ prayer for us prior to going to the cross gives me confidence to come to Him, even when I feel undeserving. He says:
“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:20-23)
Wow! That is incredible. To be united with the God of the universe. Can it be true? How is that possible when I often feel disconnected from people nearby who I can see and touch?
Thankfully, the truth of my unity with Christ is not dependent on my logic or feelings.
Looking back at the times I gazed at men with thoughts of inferiority or lust, I find few occurrences when I stopped to meditate deeply on my unity and completeness in Christ. When I practice that discipline now, my stupor is broken.
Can you imagine what it was like to walk with God in Eden before the Fall? The imagery of it inspires me to experience His presence more fully. The Garden was a place of unity, fellowship, innocence, provision, and life. He wants that for us now as well. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundant.”
Recently, I sought out a quiet place, took a few deep breaths, and allowed a picture of myself in Eden to come to mind:
I greeted the morning in Eden with the anticipation of walking with God. As I strolled along a stream, the grass perfectly cushioned the soles of my feet. I was mesmerized by the shimmering water I could watch all day. God was dazzling me with his beauty. I saw his strength in the tiger reclining on the bank, his joy in the daffodils with petals that glowed around the edges, and his humor in the wry smile of a monkey as it hung upside down from a tree that swelled with pure water. All creation spoke his name clearly.
And then He was beside me. He was so big. I could get lost in Him. His countenance told me he had been looking forward to walking with me as well. He said he had so much to show me. I couldn’t imagine what was next.
My mind was clear. That was the best part. No hidden thoughts or motives. No defenses, fear, or shame. It didn’t occur to me to question God’s love for me. How could I in that place? Everything was perfect and anything was possible.
I want that now. Each day. All day. His love for me is no less real or full as I walk this imperfect world. He has so much to show me, leading me by his hand as I discover it. Talk about an abundant life.
I could choose to turn towards lesser things. But why would I let go of Christ’s hand to reach for them? My attempts to feel a sense of oneness by losing myself in porn, a man’s arms, or the approval of others would fail. If I want true oneness I’ll lose myself in my big God. I’ll keep my palm in his grip and feel the squeeze of his hand telling me he is proud of my better choice. And I know it will make him smile.
He reaches his hand to you as well. I pray you will take it.
I once believed my unwanted same-sex attractions were bigger than me and my dreams. I’ve learned that’s not the case.
It was the fear and shame I allowed myself to experience in response to them that made my attractions feel so overwhelming.
I imagine it like blowing up a beach ball.
If I bring my kids to the dollar store to buy a beach ball, we will have to search for a bit. We’ll sift through shelves of bubbles, flip flops, and water bottles until we find a stack of small plastic packages.
Whoever finds them first will grab one, hold it up and shout “I found it!” But it isn’t much to look at until we check out, take it to the pool and blow air into it.
Likewise, I have the ability to view my unwanted attractions as unimpressive as well. They are only one item in the storehouse of my life. I don’t ignore my attractions, but I can choose when and how to focus on them and keep fear or shame from inflating them.
I also don’t have to give them free reign in my mind. I’m in charge. A store manager isn’t going to let a child inflate a beach ball and kick it down the aisles all day. But that’s what I allowed my attractions to do in my mind for years. In college, I would be in class half listening to the professor because my brain was trying to figure out a solution to the romantic feelings I had towards a good friend. I had no fun at a party when I obsessed about whether a guy I met could tell I was attracted to him.
An Exhausting Effort
I tried to push my attractions down but it made them bigger, just like that beach ball.
I remember the first time I was a kid and took a beach ball to the pool. I had the fantastic idea to push it underwater. Even though I was a boy who didn’t view himself as strong, I felt pretty powerful compared to the thin sphere I had been tossing effortlessly into the air. I wanted to see how the colors and lines of the ball shifted below the water’s surface.
Standing in the shallow end, I laid my arms over the ball and pressed down with little effect. I tightened my core, raised to my tiptoes, and pressed again. No luck. I put my shoulders and back into it and jumped up first. Nothing. I chased the ball around the pool when it escaped my grip. After a few more tries I had worn myself out.
I was ready to give up until one last ditch idea came to me. I moved the ball against the side of the pool and climbed out. I checked to ensure the coast was clear, then jumped at the ball with the full force of my fifty pound frame.
My face stung when it hit the water as the ball skipped along the surface.
At the end of summer, a beach ball can easily be deflated and put away. But unlike that beach ball, I didn’t know how to let the fear and shame out of unwanted attractions when I felt overwhelmed by them. It was all mixed up together. I couldn’t tell where the attractions ended and my uncomfortable feelings about them began. They were constantly bumping into each other and reacting without my consent. I needed to see more clearly before I could begin to pull the pieces apart and view my unwanted attractions at a more accurate size. With the support of others, I turned to look at my attractions without attempting to push them down.
Before I focused my energy towards change, I had to decide that taking a closer look inside of me was worth it. The idea scared me. I was afraid I would find more reason for fear and shame. And it felt self-centered. I was taught to always consider the needs and feelings of other people first and spend my time serving selflessly.
But I was done being overwhelmed. Life was not working. I knew what was going on inside kept me from having more to offer others. I wanted the abundant life God promised. I was fine with there being hardships in life but I was certain I was not experiencing the life Jesus declared for us – “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
Three Steps for Empowerment
So I became open to reconsidering how I viewed and responded to my unwanted attractions.
First, I removed the judgment I had surrounding my sensations, thoughts, feelings, and worth. To have a chance at looking at them productively, I needed to believe I was loved and loveable, no matter what I was experiencing, what I might find, or how I may disappoint myself along the way. As a believer, I could be steady in Christ’s embrace and know there was plenty of room for failure, uncertainty, and falling forward.
And I got to decide what things meant. My experiences didn’t have to mean anything about who I was. My inner confusion could be an opportunity for growth rather than an obstacle. The challenges I thought made we weak could be evidence of my strength.
Second, I learned to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I could sit with awkward sensations and strong emotions and know they weren’t going to hurt me. I could observe my body’s arousal, my unwanted thoughts that demanded to be heard, or romantic feelings and not attach myself to any of it. They didn’t have to go away in that moment. And I didn’t have to avoid them or act on them. They could just sit on the couch and hang out. I could engage productively with them or I could do my own thing.
Third, I got good at defining the edges of my sensations, emotions, and feelings, and I began to see where my thoughts were located between and around them to put them in order. I learned that experiences trigger thoughts, thoughts produce emotion, and emotion leads to action. Gaining clarity gave me the upper hand.
The more aware I became of my thoughts, the more I could take them captive as scripture directs us. I could hold them up against truth, keep the ones that served me and toss the ones that didn’t.
Stones on Life’s Path
Another analogy I like to use when considering how I allowed my unwanted attractions to fill my view is to picture them as stones along my life path. They are in the path, but they don’t fill it. I can notice them and navigate around them. Over time, I would learn to use them rather than avoid them.
A small stone could be a brief arousal when a pornographic image popped in my head. A series of large stones was the sexual abuse I experienced. A range in between included disconnection with male peers, emotional stonewalling by my father, a pornography habit, and more.
I had denied the reality of these things. But doing that was like walking the path with a blindfold on and constantly tripping over the stones.
When I began recovery, I took the blindfold off, but was quickly tempted to put it on again. All of those stones were overwhelming! And when I looked further, I saw a wall of stones. It towered over me and blocked my view of what was ahead – probably stuff that was even more scary.
Breaking Down the Wall
But when I looked closer, I noticed something strange about that wall. The stones vibrated slightly and had small gaps between them. Rather than being held together by gravity, the wall was formed by the force of fear, shame, and judgment. It had taken the stones from the ground and made an impenetrable barrier.
It was outrageous! The stones were enough on their own. I didn’t need fear, shame, and judgment making them bigger. My life was precious! They weren’t serving me so I pulled the plug on them.
Easier said than done, I know. It took a while for the force to dissipate and the wreckage to clear. And I didn’t do it on my own. I had friends, counselors, and mentors walking alongside me. At one point, we climbed what was left of the wall together and I saw a beautiful future. The wall wasn’t keeping me from something scary, it was keeping me from God’s best for me – a life lived authentically, vulnerably, and powerfully. I loved what I saw.
The path still contained stones, both before me and behind me, but I saw them differently. Instead of tripping over them or avoiding them, I could build with them, rest on them, and learn from them. They were beautiful. In his letter to Timothy, Paul said that God gives life to everything. Sitting on the remains of that wall as the sun was setting, God’s sunset colors danced on it all – the trees, grass, stones, and me.
A belief of separateness from masculinity is a primary driver of same-sex attractions.
As a boy, I had an out-of-body experience during a father-son activity meant to bring connection. The “wrestling” he initiated ended in me laying on my back pinned between his legs struggling to obey his command to break free, but the force he used struck out the option of escape.
“How much more effort should I give before going limp?” I asked myself. I hated the moment when I let go. I felt like such a loser. I floated to safety, looking down at him and me, waiting for him to become aware and remove the grip his thighs had on my torso.
He didn’t know I wasn’t on the bed. He couldn’t see me as I watched from above. He and his strength were other than me, out of reach. If he was perceptive, he would have seen my separation and recognized it in himself, having been plagued by it all his life.
Evidence of My Separation
As I grew, developing guys became evidence of my separateness. I needed to acquire their confidence, strength, and voice to gain admittance to the man club.
I tried really hard. When crossing my arms, I tucked my hands under my biceps to make them look bigger. I slowed my gait to appear less eager. I sang hymns in a deeper key.
But my best efforts were no match against my unconscious belief that masculinity was outside of me. I tried to paste it on, but it wouldn’t stick. My fixation on men was a distraction. It was my belief that had to change.
The solution was simple but not easy: believe what God said about me is true. His truth is beautiful:
“For you formed my inwards parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it full well.” Psalm 139:13-14a
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10
“And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.” Genesis 1:31a
It can’t be that simple, I thought. That doesn’t feel true. Maybe I can meet God halfway. Surely there is work I need to do first. I kept trying to prove myself.
Evidence of My Masculinity
Inevitably, my best efforts failed. When I finally surrendered to God’s truth, evidence of my masculinity filled my view. I wasn’t separate from men or masculinity. I was deep in the mix. I could stop striving.
Now, the very men who would have intimidated me trigger confidence in me. The abuse I thought was a weakness, is evidence of my strength. My fumbling in sports can be a chance to connect with guys who want to teach me the game.
When my energy isn’t spent striving for masculinity, I can let my attractions and pain work for me rather than against me. When I have an attraction to a guy, I can use an empowering script and tell myself, “His physical strength reminds me of the strength of character I had to ask out a girl,” or “His confident presence is what I will experience more of as I gain clarity on my purpose and goals. He inspires me. I can inspire others.”
I can uncover past traumas to see my valid needs that didn’t get met, honor them, and see Christ’s presence in the experience and His power to meet those needs today. Having walked through trauma is evidence of the strength God has given me, not weakness.
Participation in Masculinity
A mental model that reminds me of my connection with masculinity is to view it as something we participate in rather than own.
We embody various aspects of masculinity throughout our lives. A bodybuilder was no less masculine when he was a boy with skinny arms and will maintain his man card when elderly in a hospital bed. When we are boys, we can enjoy the strength of our fathers. When we parent, we provide strength to our kids. When we speak out for the vulnerable, we pass it on. We can lean on a friend’s shoulder when we are in need.
Don’t spin your wheels for years like I did reaching for something you already possess. Believe you belong to the world of men and actively participate in the gift of masculinity now.
When I finally decided I was open to the idea of marriage and family, I wondered if it was even possible. I searched for evidence from both my past and present that might give me confidence. I found some. I also found lots of evidence to snuff out the idea. If I could give some advice to my younger self, I’d tell him to look to his future instead for proof of viability.
The former me who had no desire to even kiss a girl might have waived off a flourishing marriage and three spirited children if he had not allowed himself to glimpse that future possibility with a mustard seed of belief. God worked powerfully in me to shorten the gap between a reasonable life and the life I envisioned. I could step into that future rather than strain to reach it.
The future is unwritten. I limit it when I project the experiences and patterns of my past upon the years to come. I can imagine a future me who is more vivid and real than my dim interpretations of my past self. Even my present destructive patterns fade in light of my imagined future. What if it never comes true? I can live with it. When I believe I am a person who could be the family man, leader, and creator I envision, I stand up straighter in the present. I see opportunities that I may otherwise overlook. I cheer other people on.
When I considered writing and coaching, I envisioned myself sharing stories of transformation and inspiring men to reach their potential by living authentically. That image had to be real for me. Otherwise, the daily route to my 9-5 job, email inbox, and comfort zone would compel me to play it safe and continue life as I knew it. Those routines could have easily kept me in the status quo if I had not grounded my present self in the vision of my future self.
Author and lecturer Werner Erhard said, “Create your future from the future.” This profound statement means that our future should be shaped by our future aspirations, dreams, and goals rather than our past. It encourages us to envision the future we want and take actions aligned with that vision.
As believers in Christ, what is most certain is our future with Him. Our memories of the past, our beliefs of current limitations, and our worries and hopes for tomorrow all pale in comparison. As a person who valued certainty above all else, I am puzzled that my focus wasn’t on the firm foundation of that future more often. Our faith assures us that we have a hopeful and prosperous future. Recognizing this is a powerful motivator to live each day purposefully and intentionally.
Below are some tools to live from your future self:
Visualize Future Success
Spend 5-10 minutes each morning visualizing your future self. Imagine the details of your life as you envision it and let that vision guide your day. As God to guide you in it and to allow you to encounter Him there.
Journal as Your Future Self
Write journal entries from the perspective of your future self. Describe a typical day, your thoughts, feelings, and what you have achieved.
Set Future-Driven Goals
Identify specific goals that align with your vision. Break them down into actionable steps that you can start working on today.
Practice Future-Oriented Decision Making
When faced with choices, ask yourself, “What would my future self do?” Let that guide your decisions and actions.
Let Obstacles Trigger Your New Identity
Let obstacles remind you of your commitment to your identity and vision. When an obstacle comes your way, say “Here is an obstacle. Who am I as my true self, complete in Christ? With that in mind, how will I respond to this challenge?”
Seek Community Support
Share your vision with trusted friends or a mentor. Ask them to hold you accountable and provide support as you strive to live from your future self.
Implement Daily Affirmations
Memorize and recite verses that reinforce your identity in Christ. Craft and review statements that reflect the qualities and achievements of your future self. Reinforce these positive statements daily.
Reflect and Adjust
Regularly review your progress and adjust your actions as needed. Open your hands for God to give what is better and take what is lesser. Reflect on your journey and celebrate the small victories along the way.
By incorporating these practices, you not only clarify your vision but actively shape your present to align with your desired future. Such deliberate living brings a sense of purpose and fulfillment that transcends the constraints of past experiences and present circumstances.
Embrace the journey. Trust in the process. Most importantly, keep your eyes fixed on Christ as the author and protector of your faith. Allow Him to guide, redirect, and enliven your journey. Let Him expand your vision of what’s possible.
I wish I could be next to you right now, giving you the attention you deeply desire but haven’t received. But I want you to know that I see you.
I am familiar with the long route home you walk to avoid the bullies. I can picture the sidewalk cracks and potholes and feel the emptiness of rejection.
I know the feel of the hard school desk you sit shivering in, observing a classroom of students beyond your reach. I know the fantasies you retreat to.
I love the good boy you strive to be. I love the real you too.
I know the unwelcome struggles that fill your mind as you lay in bed wishing sleep to come. Images, feelings, sensations, and thoughts that you didn’t welcome or create. I want to pull back the shame and rejection that cover you and tuck you in with God’s grace.
I remember it all. And God does too. I know. I asked Him.
I was thinking about you recently and prayed this prayer:
“God, do you remember a little seven-year-old boy? Do you remember him shivering and feeling so alone in his classroom? Do you remember how he would shut down to forget the uncertainties of a violent home?
Do you remember the comments his parents made about those who participated in what they considered the worst of sins, fueled by a culture well-versed in the judgment of God?
Do you remember when that little guy first heard the name of Jesus at Sunday School? It sounded so different from the way it was spoken at home. He learned about a Jesus that died for him and loved him. He wanted so much to please you.
God, I can tell you that boy wonders what you were thinking when you saw those teenagers introduce him to sensations prematurely. In those moments, a Pandora’s Box opened.
I know you remember the canopy of trees that covered the sin older boys committed upon him, hindering the light from dispelling the shame he absorbed. He didn’t want you to know he was disappointed when their advances ended.
Let’s tell him we remember. Let’s tell him he was never alone.”
Little CJ, it’s true. You aren’t alone.
And you are going to learn so much. Here’s a sneak peek:
You will learn that the unwanted desires you have are not a reflection of you. They are the fruit of the dysfunctional world that was forming you. The pain of others placed on you does not define you. You are a beloved son of God.
Your acting out is also not the real you. You wanted so badly to be accepted by men that you gave yourself away. But you were born for so much more. Your sensitive heart will become a blessing to others experiencing similar pain.
As your body developed, the legitimate desires for union and fulfillment flooded you, making you feel like you were not a “good boy.” But you will learn the desire for intimate contact is normal.
You will no longer fear for your physical safety. You will grow close to your Savior who was also bullied. He chose to endure it for you.
I know you don’t expect life to be easy. You are accustomed to hardship. You will go through a time when you think you deserve the rejection you feel. Skip it.
You don’t see an end to this constant torment, but a way out will come.
I love this part: People with a genuine love for you will enter your life. They will treat you as a beloved brother, trusted friend, and confidante. Life will be rich. I can’t wait for you to experience this.
And did I tell you about the wife God will provide for you and the family He will grow? It’s enough to make this 80-year-old man’s heart stop.
You will come to understand that Abba Father has been working behind the scenes for your good. You will understand He was there…watching…waiting…weeping and always knocking…knocking, waiting to enter your broken heart and life.
Answer His call. He is good. Don’t ever forget it.
When I was young, the mirror was a comfort to me. My reflection gave me certainty; it told me I was likable and competent.
I was touring the architecture building at my future college. I widened my eyes at the vast, bustling space as I walked through the glass entry doors. It was cavernous and austere. Students and faculty crisscrossed the concrete floors and interior balconies.
A girl with an intricate model and sure steps must be on her way to a successful presentation. A gray-haired man scrutinizing me through black spectacles judged my academic potential insufficient. And the group of attractive guys at the café? I was certain they wouldn’t accept me.
There were so many people who knew exactly where they were going. I stacked up their outsides against my insides with blazing speed and anticipated the stress of pleasing them and securing their favor. I felt more uncertain with each face I encountered.
I needed to steady myself. I scanned the atrium for the men’s room. Beyond the stair to the left.
I washed my clean hands as I studied my reflection. Yes, I was skinny, but I was handsome. What wasn’t there to like? I looked the part of an architecture student. I could do this. I turned off the water and took a few moments to perfect my hair before stepping out.
I re-entered the din and my confidence dipped. I continued to my destination as my brain assured me I could return to the mirror any time.
Speak Life
In case you didn’t catch it, I wasn’t running my life. I was listening to all the stories that entered my consciousness and letting them direct my focus. I wanted to escape the uncomfortable emotions they fostered, so I sought out my reflection where my automatic thoughts would tell me what I wanted to hear.
I didn’t know how to stand up to automatic thoughts. I tried telling myself I had great worth and value even if I didn’t succeed or wasn’t handsome, but it didn’t feel true. Taking direction from my subconscious took less energy than fighting to believe a truth that felt like a lie.
Over time, I’ve learned to appreciate the messages my mind and emotions offer. They often intend to keep me from harm. I thank them for their input but hold them up to the truth of God’s word. I can count on them coming up short.
In the scenario I described, my subconscious was doing its best to set me up for success by highlighting who I needed to be in order to be accepted and safe. But acceptance and safety are low-bar goals. I have higher ones now. By talking to myself rather than listening to myself, I’ve taught my subconscious that betting on authenticity and taking risks towards my goals builds a more sure footing.
It was hard when I started the habit of taking every thought captive, but the payoff has been worth it. My identity in Christ and His promises that myself and others speak over me feel more true. And when they don’t, I welcome the opportunity to practice faith. I have more energy and focus. I am present with others and more attuned to how I can serve them. Life is fun. Those results create a feedback loop that makes the truth feel more true each time I speak it.
Now when I walk into a new environment, bustling with energy, I see possibility. I can sluff off constricting beliefs that may arise. I get to know others and be known! I can stretch my capabilities and meet the next version of me who awaits on the other side of courageous action.
This process is more than positive thinking—it’s about anchoring your identity in enduring truths. Speaking truth over yourself rewires your brain to see opportunity and tunes it to God’s voice. It exposes lies and builds a solid foundation to stand firm, regardless of external circumstances.
The next time you are presented with a thought that doesn’t seem to align with your identity or purpose, take time to question it. Seek out people who can affirm what’s true. Pray. Speak the truth over yourself, notice how you feel, and take action. Look forward to what happens next.
I’m so grateful I get to write this letter to you. Let it remind you that things won’t always be as they are.
You won’t always feel being picked last for baseball in PE is the end of your existence as you know it.
You won’t always feel “different” for feeling different, because you’ll find out everyone feels different in one way or another.
You won’t always feel like a third wheel in every male-only context. In fact, one day you’ll feel “like one of the guys,” even if it seems impossible to imagine now.
You won’t always feel fat, awkward, and unlikable. You’ll learn to limit your eating and take care of your body, getting some good exercise. In fact, you’ll enjoy and excel at doing push-ups. I know that’s hard to picture.
You won’t always feel alone in trying to receive God’s love and love Him well. And even though you have these desires of wanting to be with a dad who enjoys you, teaches you sports, tousles your hair, roughhouses with you, teases you with affection, gives you a big hug, and tells you he loves you, YOU just may become the dad who gives that to his son.
You won’t always struggle with inferiority regarding your body. We aren’t as well-endowed as the average man, but you’ll discover that guys come in all sizes. God has made every man more than adequate.
You won’t always feel disinterested at best and intimidated at worst by women. In fact, a couple of women will catch your eye in your twenties. One will become your wife for nearly 39 years.
You won’t always feel uncomfortable with your body. Believe it or not, one day you’ll feel completely comfortable in your skin. It will be a gift from God and a gift from your community of men who will be in your corner and believe in Christ in you, the hope of glory.
