What you say after the words “I am” is the most important thing about you. 

A FRAGILE SHELL

My mom has been teaching my daughters how to decorate blown eggs. They put scotch tape over each end, push a pin through it, and blow out the insides with a straw prior to painting. With each step, and forever after, there is a good chance the shell will crack. 

That is the fragility of the identity I had crafted around myself as a boy. I was a pastor’s kid who obeyed the rules, was doted on by women, had a perpetual smile, and could answer all the questions in Sunday school. I didn’t complain, argue my opinion, or stand up for myself. 

DEFINED BY OTHERS

Growing up, I didn’t trust my judgment. As a young boy, I had an innate sense that my body belonged to me, but my abuser communicated otherwise, so I doubted myself. Often, when it felt appropriate to express my emotions, thoughts told me they were wrong, would rock the boat, or that it was selfish to do so. When I was developing as a man, Satan whispered that I would always come up short.

When it came to defining who I was, other people must know better than me. So I watched for cues, read the room, and adjusted often until I felt comfortable.

In junior high, our family was uprooted and my shell shattered. Instead of partnering with God to integrate a resilient identity anchored in His truth, I doubled down to recreate what was familiar.

I reassembled my fragile shell. Life had become more complex, requiring me to swap out extra pieces I had gathered to match the perceived expectations of my environment. It was hard work.

I wanted a break. 

It was late one evening when I crossed an empty playfield on my college campus. The grass dampened the sound of distant people I could take a break from pleasing. I sat crisscrossed with my journal and glanced at the stars before putting pen to paper. I wrote the beliefs, interests, qualities, and goals that made me unique. It felt good. 

But without internalizing it, sharing it, or having it validated, my anxiety consistently set it to the side.

IDENTITY IN CHRIST

The fear of man, fueled by insecurity, felt more real than the peace of Christ. I lacked the belief in God’s word and the vulnerability with fellow believers that would activate that peace in my life.

But God in his mercy allowed my life to derail. The pain of living in a hollow shell became greater than my fear and anxiety. 

Through a recovery program, God provided a man who listened to my story, empathized with my feelings, and validated my experiences. I felt grounded. From that place, the truth of my identity in Christ could fill me up and bring me to life. 

God’s truth began to ring true for me. I was loved, chosen, forgiven, redeemed, and adopted.

“We are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)

“If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

“You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.” (1 Peter 2:9)

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:21)

Paul, in his letter to the Roman church, calls us to reckon ourselves dead to sin. When we put our faith in Christ, our identity is in his perfect work on the cross. That doesn’t mean you won’t still make choices that don’t align with your new identity. You don’t have to be a sinner to sin. All that is required is free will and the ability to believe a lie. But as a Christian, you no longer have to take on the identity of Sinner.

OWN YOUR IDENTITY

We innately make choices aligned with the identity we deeply own. I write because I am a writer. I exercise because I am someone who takes care of my body. I attend church because I am someone who needs God’s truth and has value to give in a Christian community. I feel remorse when I lose patience at home because it doesn’t align with someone who prioritizes their family.

We get to own our identity. In my life, I have felt pressure to take up various labels such as gay, victim, and a good person. I’ll pass.

I have this as a note on my phone to refer to when I need a reminder of who I am and where I want to go: “I am a child of God, created in His image to do good works. I am a powerful man who desires to reduce the suffering of others.”

How do you see, describe, and define yourself? What are you here to become, create, and give?

What do you say after the words “I am”?

Want to live beyond your feelings and into your true identity? Join me in my coaching program: Own Your Identity.