Fear makes things bigger.
It’s the shadow of a bedside toy looming as a monster on the wall.
It grows with time, exaggerates risk, fosters isolation, and veils your dreams. Left unchecked, it keeps you stuck. It has for me.
FEAR COSTS US
Sitting at my drafting table freshman year of architecture school, I stared at a blank sheet of paper with a pencil in hand. The second hand on my watch moved more than I did until I decided the supplies on my desk needed rearranging. I was stuck. Potential criticism paralyzed me, stunting my growth into the designer I aspired to be.
At a coffee shop, I sat across from a friend, watching him talk as the words in the back of my throat quickened my pulse. “I’m attracted to guys,” I said in my head, hoping he would hear me so I wouldn’t have to say the words. I clutched my mug when it was my turn to speak. “Not much,” I responded. “Keeping busy.” I heard myself go on about school until it was time to leave, then kicked myself for letting fear shortchange an opportunity for connection.
WHERE DOES FEAR COME FROM?
The universal trigger for fear is the threat of harm, real or imagined.
With my friend, I decided the pain of losing his friendship would be worse than the feeling of separateness my secret fueled. I allowed fear to stall the healing I wanted. Satan had been happy to hand me a lie and fear projected it to fill my view.
The story I created was that I would lose a friendship by sharing honestly. It would prove I’m not worth knowing deeply. I didn’t realize my fear was not of telling my secret, it was of what I decided would happen if I did. I didn’t have to obsess about my secret, I had to change my story.
WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT FEAR
In his letter to Timothy, Paul says “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.” Jesus is sympathetic toward our tendency towards fear and scripture is filled with encouragement towards faith.
Isaiah reminds us that we belong to a God who is faithful to keep His promises. “Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid.” God rescues us and fights for us. When we belong to God, we have nothing to fear.
My problem was that fear felt more real than God. I knew the feeling of fear, but not of the abiding love John references when he writes “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
LOVE THE FEAR
Fear is not the enemy. It’s your brain and body trying to protect you. From that perspective, you can appreciate and befriend it.
Thank your brain for watching out for you, but say to it, “I can take it from here.” Let it be a consultant, not a boss. Let fear flow through you rather than get lodged and block your progress.
MOVE FORWARD WITH PURPOSE
Consider fear an action signal that may or may not be grounded in truth. The best decision may be to redirect your course, but it may be your perception that needs to shift instead.
Below are strategies to move forward empowered.
- Say to yourself, “I am safe to try.”
- Don’t delay. Fear feeds on time. Psychiatrist Phil Stutz says that our confidence erodes the longer we wait to take action after we know what needs to be done.
- Practice walking through smaller doors of fear to get in the habit of choosing faith. Your potential lives on the other side of your comfort zone.
- Consider who you will pass through your fears for. Make it about something greater than yourself.
- Rather than spend your energy fighting fear, use it to dissect the beliefs fueling it.
- Decide how you want to feel and what you need to do to feel that way.
- Watch your language. Swap “never” for “possibly.”
- Use fear as a trigger for telling yourself an empowering story. My daughter learned in grammar school to say “I can do hard things.”
- Relax your body. Put yourself in the position and state you are in when at peace and in faith. It will communicate to your brain that you are safe and capable.
- Practice gratitude. Gratitude and fear can’t live in the same space.
- Visualize yourself acting with love and acceptance rather than fear and resistance. Play out that picture in real life.
- You only fear what is important to you. Let fear be a reminder you are a passionate person who wants what matters most.
- Reverse the What If. Ask “What if I succeed?” rather than “What if I fail?”
FEAR AND SAME-SEX ATTRACTION
l have to give fear some credit for deterring me from acting on my attractions physically with men, which I don’t believe would have been in my best interest. But making that decision out of fear didn’t facilitate an expansive life. Gaining clarity on my identity, purpose, and goals and making a conscious decision aligned with them would have been life-giving. I allowed fear of my attractions to cloud the abundant life God had available for me.
What other fears and false beliefs did I have related to same-sex attraction? Plenty. Here are a few, each paired with a stronger statement.
- Men may think I am too needy if they know of my attractions and trauma. I am needy. That’s okay. I didn’t get the attention, affirmation, and affection God intends for children to receive, but I can trust He is enough for me. God may use other men to meet those valid needs, but I can trust His timing and provision and not put undue pressure on relationships. I know I will grow over time and it will be a blessing to others to witness the growth God has in store for me.
- I won’t be able to love a woman like she deserves. I will be able to love the woman God has for me.
- Women will reject me when they discover my lack of confidence as a man. Life is about growth, no matter where I start my journey. Taking faithful steps in the direction of my goals is attractive.
- I will be judged if I choose to live a gay lifestyle and judged if I don’t. I will be respected when I make difficult choices aligned with my values.
- What if I am kidding myself and the cultural tide is right? I could miss out on something mysterious and amazing that the gay life has to offer. FOMO is real, but life is always a mixed bag. I can always focus on what I can give to others rather than what I can get from life.
- I will be romantically or sexually attracted to a friend. Oh well. It will pass.
- If someone rejects me I’ll be up a creek because I don’t have what it takes to make it in life. Being up a creek will be better than living in someone else’s shadow.
- My desire for sexual activity and porn is stronger than I am. Nope. It’s just a sensation in my body.
- If I show healthy affection towards a man, he will think I am gay. That’s okay. I have had the same thought about myself before but didn’t believe it.
- I will be alone. I will only be alone if I push people away.
I was troubled by my attractions but paralyzed by my fear. When I voiced my attractions, was kind to them, and loved myself just as I was, I relaxed enough to see through the fog to the life I wanted. It was then that my attractions started to shift. I couldn’t be open to something new when I was wound up tight by fear.
Separate your attractions from your fear, your situation from your story, and the life you want from the life you have known. Take faithful action aligned with your true identity and meaningful pursuits and loosen your grip on fear.