When I discovered my same-sex attraction, I believed it was the nail in the coffin to achieving the masculinity I had dedicated time to study and model. SSA was a big “F” on my manliness report card. Removing it from my life was on my to-do list for being accepted and valued.

I focused on my attractions from a place of lack, fear, and shame. The obsessive attention I gave them took power away from me. 

Ignoring them was equally disempowering. The feelings and sensations were significant. While they weren’t something to be alarmed by or fix, they did have a message for me. To shut the door on them would be denying reality and closing me off from an opportunity to grow.

Looking at my attractions from a place of self-acceptance, curiosity, courage, and faith put me on the offensive:

• By allowing myself to sit in the grief that same-sex attraction was a reality for me, I learned to honor my emotions.

• When I shared my experiences with someone I could trust, I learned the power of vulnerability. I was seen and loved. 

• Uncovering wounds and unmet needs with a counselor and recovery coaches brought healing and resilience. I could mourn the attention, affirmation, and affection I didn’t receive as a child, safely release my rage for abuses I endured, and enjoy the process of having my valid needs met through healthy relationships with other men. 

• Falling into the work of Christ on the cross kept me off the seesaw of pride and shame. I didn’t have to be some ideal version of myself as a man or lower my worth due to temptation or sin. 

• By walking into a room of men, intimidated, but believing I belonged there and that they were better off for my authentic presence, I communicated to myself that I didn’t have to wait for my man card to arrive to identify with, love, and serve other men who had their own unique stories and struggles. I had great value as a work in progress, which we all are. 

• Letting go of the need for my attractions to change freed me up to receive new attractions. After receiving many benefits from productively focusing on my unwanted desires, I decided I was ready to live beyond them. When I looked up, I found my head turning toward a woman whom I am now blessed to call my wife.

If you are viewing your same-sex attractions as an obstacle to detour, consider what author Ryan Holiday states in his book, The Obstacle is the Way: “The obstacle in the path becomes the path… and the only way you’ll do something spectacular is by using it all to your advantage.”

Don’t let your unwanted attractions own you. Leverage them to step into a life beyond your imagination.