I wanted to desire Christy. She was pretty and kind. We rode horses at her family ranch. Standing alongside a steed, her eyes held my gaze.
“Oh crap,” I thought.
My mind flashbacked to a high school girlfriend. It was fun to date her but frightening to kiss. Her lips were cold, clammy, and weak. I wanted to wipe my lips with my sleeve.
Will Christy be different?
Nope.
Get me out of here.
Why is this my life? Count me out.
But I couldn’t shake it. I wanted a woman. What was I missing?
Years later, my now wife would teach me to kiss.
“Jason, you are doing it all wrong.”
I was mesmerized as she instructed me.
What made the difference?
Here are my thoughts. I may be wrong, but it’s fun to theorize:
What I know is her lips weren’t clammy and cold. They were warm and inviting.
I leaned in rather than pulled away.
She was a mystery I wanted to discover more about. A kiss could accomplish that.
My mind was clear and my heart was open. I leaned in.
No doubt. No self. Curiosity and longing.
I was hooked.
I wanted to know her. She was unlike my sister, my mom, or past girlfriends. She was different than me. I liked that. I was enough for her and God was enough for us. No pressure. All fun. An adventure. I was up for it and qualified.
In a Sonic parking lot I kissed her.
“Not the best,” she said. Or something like that.
“Here’s how,” she continued.
I laughed. Then became a good student. Why not?
I had let go of expectation and accepted life as it was. I was enough and God was enough. I acknowledged my body’s inclinations while honoring my true desires and keeping an open hand.
I’m glad I did.
Now, we enjoy an intimacy I wouldn’t have imagined. I lose where I end and she begins. I desire to know her more and kissing her helps me do that. She desires the same.
She sees me and I see her. I am not alone. Neither is she.
I don’t question my manhood. I am like other guys. I don’t question my abilities. I have what I takes. I don’t question my true longings. I like women. I don’t need approval. God provides it.
I can risk rejection. It makes me stronger. I value vulnerability. Others are better off. I choose patience. It is worth it. The future isn’t written. I’ll let God write it. And I’ll live fully alive while I wait.
Because that is what I am called to do. When I live fully alive I know him more and am inspired to make him known. When I live fully alive I leave a mark, an impact, and a legacy.
So I’ll start now. In the paradox, confusion, and unknown. I’ll acknowledge where I’m at and solicit support. And I’ll love it all. Embrace mystery. The future isn’t written and the best is yet to come.