The fact that I was created to make a unique mark in the world didn’t feel true.

Between you and me, one of my favorite songs features female vocals by a fox dressed in a green alien costume jumping on a trampoline. There. I said it. 

I give the credit to my daughters who played Sing 2 on repeat.

The best part is the lyrics. They align with my desire to live each day to the fullest.

Don’t wanna live as an untold story

Rather go out in a blaze of glory

I wanna taste love and pain

Wanna feel pride and shame

I don’t wanna take my time

Don’t wanna waste one line

I wanna live better days

Never look back and say

It could have been me

I want to leave a legacy. I want to take steps with a confident sense of purpose towards a compelling future, and I want to feel each day along the way. 

I used to believe that was a life I wasn’t qualified to live.

If I was truly authentic, people would be worse off because my brokenness would be known. If I loosened my composure, feminine mannerisms may be exposed and I could be judged as gay. If I acted like I had something unique to offer, others might have ready reasons to object. 

Most of all, living fully and authentically just felt wrong. When I tried it, my mind and body reminded me with negative thoughts, heavy shoulders, a tight chest and shallow breathing that I was best in a supporting role with easy access to off-stage. 

Now, the truth that I have unique purposes and am complete in Christ through his saving work on the cross isn’t just head knowledge. It is integrated into my being. 

How did God bring me here?

My journey included a decision, followed by curiosity, vulnerability, and courage. 

Before it felt true, I decided to believe that what God said about me was true. 

Then, when my thoughts and feelings objected to living in alignment with truth, I got curious as to why. What was I afraid of? What was the lie I was believing? Where had the lie originated? I checked the evidence and most often found it lacking. 

I vulnerably shared my insights with trusted friends and mentors. They grieved with me for the boy who was handed the lie “I am an observer,” as he was picked last in PE and sat on the bench. They saw my younger self who struggled against his father’s strength begin to believe, “I don’t have what it takes.” I borrowed their courage and felt their love when they said “me too” and “it’s going to be okay.”

Then, I took more redemptive risks. I let go of my limiting stories of the past and vividly imagined the future I felt God calling me to and allowed myself to feel the emotion of it. I aligned my current actions with the version of myself I envisioned in that future scene. And I realized I was that person all along. 

Eventually, as I consistently lived aligned with the truth, my mind and body began getting on board. That has made life easier and allows me to focus my energy on living the life of impact and service God has for me.  

And I choose to love it all. The joy, the grief, the shame, the tears, the hope, and the triumph. And I invite you to as well. 

As a bonus, I’ll set an example of being courageously authentic by letting you know I don’t just love the lyrics to the song “It Could Have Been Me,” I love the video too. 🙂 

Here is the link. Beware of the tap dancing furballs in the background. They are creepy.