If you listen to or read my testimony, you will have a picture of the day during my fine arts class freshman year of college when I had the largest sexualized attraction to a guy in my life. I believe my body and mind were telling me that connecting physically with my classmate was the answer to my nagging questions, “Am I okay and will everything be okay?” The problem was, I didn’t want to be sexual with him.

Those strong sensations and emotions were evidence of the sexual attraction and romantic feelings I experienced toward guys. But what evidence was there of the desires I consider to be authentically me?

Last weekend, I rediscovered my portfolio of drawings from architecture school and opened it to share with my kids. I hadn’t looked at it in twenty years and had forgotten it included my final project from that fine arts class. My drawings illustrated scenes I found intriguing and mysterious at the time. I’ve included photos of them below.

A young man and woman walk along a quiet street, hand-in-hand. His steps are confident and sure. He squeezes her hand when they catch a glimpse between the mid-rise buildings of changing lights pulsing to faint music. 

She is just stunning. Her flowing dress hangs delicately from her smooth shoulders. She catches his gaze and smiles. She turns her attention to the upcoming scene and this time she is the one to squeeze his hand. 

They enjoy a magical night. On the dance floor, her hand rests on his shoulder and his solid grip steadies her waist. He moves toward her. She steps backwards, trusting this man who knows who he is and the life he can offer her. 

I wanted to be that man who had a strong frame for a woman to steady herself against. I wanted to walk with a mesmerizing woman, knowing there would always be something more to discover about her. 

That was my true desire. My sexualized attachments to guys weren’t something to ignore, but they didn’t deserve to dim or disqualify the beautiful vision I enjoyed bringing to life on paper. 

If I could speak to my younger self who had no clue how to move forward with his desires in conflict, I would say, “Love your vision. Don’t hold back from imagining the life you want in vivid detail. Allow yourself that pleasure. Your other desires won’t hurt you. They are present but not powerful. Let them be something you gain strength by learning from. At the same time, move towards the life you want without hesitation. I’m here for you. You’ve got this.”