For many years, my automatic beliefs didn’t serve me. I believed I didn’t have what it takes to make it in life, that the world was a scary place, and that others were better off with me on the sidelines. These beliefs kept me from enjoying the fullness of life and showing up as my authentic self, uniquely created for God’s kingdom purposes. With those beliefs, I would find myself detaching from life and giving my power to others.
I like this belief I chose much better: I am complete in Christ, with limitless potential when I submit to His leading.
Where did my false beliefs come from, and why did they feel so true? How did my beliefs change? I’ll share my understanding of it. As you read, consider your beliefs. Decide whether they are true and empowering and ask God to make His truth feel more real than the lies.
Belief Formation
Beliefs are typically shaped in one of two ways:
1. Our personal experiences, assumptions, and reasoning.
2. Accepting what others tell us as truth.
Most of our core beliefs are established during childhood. At this stage, we are highly impressionable and seek meaning in nearly everything due to our innate curiosity. At a young age, we rarely question our interpretation of experiences and often accept what we are told as fact.
In addition, when those experiences or words are emotionally charged, resulting beliefs embed deeper and require more work to replace.
Types of Beliefs
Beliefs can be categorized as either global beliefs or rules.
Global beliefs are overarching and affect many areas of our lives. My belief that the world is a scary place is a perfect example! With that belief, I was on guard, prioritized safety, and avoided risk. I missed out on much of what life had to offer and limited my potential.
Rules are specific criteria that dictate our behaviors. For example, because the world is a scary place, when someone tells me what to do, I must say yes to avoid losing their approval. Or, when an opportunity comes up, it is better to let someone else go first to avoid risk.
Belief Formation
Here is an example of belief formation in my life:
I’ll never forget the wrestling matches my dad had with me. If you follow my content, you’ve heard me talk about them. They were emotionally and physically charged. My brain worked overtime trying to make sense of them.
My dad introduced wrestling as a favorite pastime of fathers and sons. But it always turned one-sided. Shortly after we began, I would find myself pinned between his legs struggling to obey his command to break free. My strength was no match for the force he used and I had no choice but to give up. But he didn’t stop. He repeated “C’mon!” I would push again but his legs just tightened more. I wanted to please him and enjoy connecting with him but his demand became increasingly unrealistic. Losing was the only option he gave.
I remember feeling confused, angry, afraid, and sad.
I thought to myself: I don’t understand how I am supposed to win. Does he think I should be able to? Maybe something is wrong with me. What will it take to make him happy? Am I really supposed to enjoy this?
The contrast between me and my dad seemed significant. He was all powerful and I was weak. He got to make the rules. My voice didn’t count.
I can see how my interpretations of that experience and the answers that I (or the enemy) gave to my questions contributed to the following global beliefs:
- I am not strong enough.
- I am not like other men.
- My voice doesn’t count.
- My best effort is not enough.
- I am someone who loses.
- I am alone.
Rules that took root were:
- When a challenge is placed before me, I have to push beyond what is reasonable, and I can’t trust myself to know what’s reasonable.
- If I don’t keep doing what someone wants, I won’t be loved.
How the Mind Works
My young mind was trying to make sense of a confusing situation. It was trying to decide what the experience meant about me, other people, and the world. It didn’t know how to be neutral. It had to apply a meaning to it.
Our Brains are Meaning-Making Machines
Our brains constantly interpret and assign significance to information we receive. This helps us make sense of the world, but our brains don’t always get it right. It may misinterpret information or rely on incomplete data, leading to false beliefs or misconceptions.
I assumed my dad was like most other men, so I generalized my view of men based on my experience with him. I took his word as truth when he said other boys enjoyed wrestling, which meant I was not like other boys. It was apparent I was not a good judge of what was right or reasonable, which meant I must rely on the judgment of others.
Building Legs of a Stool
Whatever hypothesis our brain makes of a situation, it is compelled to find support for it, like building legs on a stool.
When I believed I was unlike other boys, it was easy to find evidence it was true. They never missed when high-fiving each other. My aim was off. Other boys didn’t hit the soccer ball into the wrong goal. I watched from the bench.
When I did see evidence that I was like other guys, I dismissed it as a one-off.
Impact of Beliefs
Beliefs direct our focus, drive our thoughts and actions, and open up or close opportunities.
Beliefs Direct Focus
Beliefs act as a filter for our attention, honing in on information that aligns with what we have accepted as true.
If I don’t believe I’m okay as I am and can’t trust myself to know what’s reasonable, I will turn my focus to other people to give me the rules of life. I’ll seek validation from them and try to figure out how I need to be. I did this a ton! I looked at other guys and imagined what I needed to do to call myself a man. It didn’t occur to me that I was already acceptable. I copied the confident appearance of my classmates and coworkers while never letting myself measure up.
Empowering Beliefs Open Doors
When I walk into a room knowing I’ve got what it takes for any task God places before me, I’m more likely to make eye contact with people that could intimidate me, approaching them with a posture of discovery and appreciation, and be open to opportunities that may come up.
False Beliefs Limit Possibilities
Disempowering beliefs can bias our mental filter, causing us to overlook opportunities and potential solutions by labeling them as irrelevant or beyond our capabilities. If I was convinced I wasn’t qualified as a man, why would I take on a task I believed only a real man could do? Then, by not stepping boldly into the masculine realm, I reinforced my place as an observer of it.
The thought, “I won’t be able to handle this,” could easily arise, inviting feelings of defeat, detachment, and helplessness. I don’t like those feelings or the results they bring, but allowing them is often easier than fighting for different beliefs.
How to Integrate New Beliefs
To change your life, you need to identify limiting beliefs that no longer serve you and replace them with empowering beliefs.
Integrating new beliefs into our daily life goes beyond simply telling ourselves what we want to believe; it requires consistent practice and reinforcement until they become automatic. This process involves engaging our emotions, repeatedly exposing ourselves to the new beliefs, and creating habits that support them.
Below are practices I have found helpful in questioning and changing my deeply held beliefs. Consider what may work for you to embed beliefs that align with God’s word.
1 – Check the Facts
State the limiting belief, then ask: What is the evidence supporting it? What is its source?, and What does God’s word say?
Evaluating the evidence helps to distinguish between assumptions and facts. Understanding a belief’s origin is key in assessing its reliability and intent. Holding beliefs up to the light of God’s word allows us to discern if they are in alignment with the truth.
When I considered the faulty evidence that formed the legs of my false beliefs that I was weak, someone who loses, and dependent on others for validation, the beliefs began to wobble. Being overpowered by my father didn’t mean I was weak or a loser, it meant that I endured pain as a young man and was strong for moving through it. The impossible challenge to break free from my dad’s grip was not a good determiner of my ability to win in life. God’s word says that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
My dad was often a poor source of truth about me. A good father consistently points their son to the Creator to reinforce their identity as image bearers of Him. I believe it was Satan, the father of lies, who used this gap in my training to direct my focus to other people for validation rather than the Giver of Life.
God’s word is clear that in Christ, we have strength in weakness, abounding love, and are more than conquerors:
Romans 8:37-39 states:
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
2 – Clarify Your Purpose
I took time to get clear on what I wanted my life to look like, in line with God’s will, and what I needed to believe to make it happen. This allowed me to target lies that were getting in the way of my purpose and motivated me to get clear on the truth and live aligned with it.
Below are four questions I pose to men to help them uncover limiting beliefs and prompt new answers to live an empowered life aligned with their vision and God’s truth: What does it mean to be a man?, What is my place in the world?, What do I have to offer others?, and How does God see me? Consider beliefs that come to mind when you ask those four questions. Identify which are empowering you and which are holding you back. Note any patterns that emerge.
To illustrate this, I’ll share my unconscious beliefs stemming from physical abuse that included the wrestling matches with my dad, along with the new beliefs I consciously chose.
1 – What does it mean to be a man?
Unconscious Beliefs:
- To overpower others.
- To never admit defeat.
Beliefs I chose:
- To create, serve, and give from a place of love.
- To take action aligned with God’s will even if scared.
- To reduce the suffering of others.
- To invite others into the loving presence of Christ.
2 – What is my place in the world?
Unconscious Beliefs:
- An observer. I belong on the sidelines, watching others play full out in life. I’m not qualified.
- Separate from men.
- Disconnected from myself and my body.
Beliefs I chose:
- I can feel comfortable in my own skin. I can be at home anywhere, believing others are better off in my presence because it reflects Christ.
- I belong wherever God places me and I bring great value.
3 – What do I have to offer others?
Unconscious Beliefs:
- I’m too weak to offer much.
- I need to get what I believe I’m missing before I have anything to give to others.
Beliefs I chose:
- What I have to offer others is limitless. Whatever God decides for me to grow into and give. 1 Corinthians 2:9 states: “But, as it is written, ‘What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.’”
4 – How does God see me?
Unconscious Beliefs:
- God is unmoved by my suffering.
- I am not worth helping.
- If I see myself as weak, maybe God does too.
Beliefs I chose:
- As His beloved son.
- Perfect through the work of Christ.
- A partner in His mission.
- Lovable, strong, capable, and courageous.
My Purpose Statement
Recently, I prayerfully crafted a purpose statement that I review each day:
I am someone who believes in the power of truth to clear away the fog that veils the fullness of life God intends for us, someone who never gives up on anyone, and gives generously out of
abundance.
I foster clarity of purpose, build courageously, prioritize growth, and help others to live fully alive. I empower my family, community, and clients to choose a life activated by the work of
Christ, for God’s glory and their greatest joy, prioritizing knowing Christ and making Him known.
3 – Embrace Emotion
Experiencing strong emotion while integrating new beliefs gives them impact. Emotions act as powerful catalysts for change, helping to make new beliefs feel more real and significant. Emotional engagement not only accelerates the adoption of new beliefs but also makes the process more meaningful and motivating. Here are ways to do this:
Visualization
Spend time daily visualizing your new beliefs and the life that comes with them. Engage all your senses and emotions, feeling the joy and excitement as if it’s already happening.
Before I stepped into being more public with my story, creating content, and coaching men to live beyond their unwanted attractions and negative habits, I envisioned myself doing it. I imagined working with men through the curriculum I was developing and felt the joy that would bring. This communicated to my mind that it was possible, I was capable, and that courage brings joy.
Affirmations with Emotion
Create affirmations for your new beliefs and say them out loud with strong, positive emotions. Feel the conviction and enthusiasm as you repeat them.
When Tony Robbins was young, he would repeat this phrase to himself while running: “Everyday in every way I’m getting stronger and stronger!” It’s a little cheesy, but it strengthened his belief that he could be more than what was modeled for him or expected of him. He believes in the power of integrating movement, energy, and voice in solidifying new beliefs.
If you had watched me and my son on the trampoline last year, you would have either laughed or been inspired as we chanted that same phrase to the night sky, my son on my shoulders and me taking bounding steps in a circle along the protective netting. Whether those words sank into us or not, we had a blast.
Practice Gratitude
Reflect on moments where your new beliefs have positively impacted your life, no matter how small, and allow yourself to feel gratitude and fulfillment.
I can thank God for both my strength and my weakness. My strength is a reflection of His image. My weakness invites His strong presence.
Emotional Anchoring
Use a physical object, like a bracelet or a coin, to anchor your positive emotions. Each time you touch or see this object, take a moment to immerse yourself in the empowering feelings associated with your new beliefs.
Grieve
The Psalms are filled with lament. David repeatedly poured out his emotion to God in faith, inviting Him into his pain and trusting God to turn his face back toward the truth.
I have shed tears of loss, regret, and shame. I grieved the loss of connection with my father, the results of my poor choices, and opportunities I missed when I was too scared to raise my hand.
I didn’t know what was going to be on the other side of those tears. I found out it was courage, strength, resilience, and hope. When I shared my lament with others, the benefits multiplied.
Get Angry
Sometimes, you’ve got to get mad. I tapped into my power when shouting at an empty chair I imagined my dad sitting in. I was in the company of trusted men. I told my dad what my six year old self couldn’t. “You hurt me. I hate you. I am stronger than you know.” I had to give myself permission to do that.
Years later, when my dad was hurting, I was able to use my unquestioned strength to tell him, “I love you. I’m here for you. You’re not alone.”
Use Pain and Pleasure
Associating pain to limiting beliefs and pleasure with new, empowering beliefs is a powerful strategy for personal transformation.
By vividly linking negative emotions and consequences to our limiting beliefs, we create a strong aversion to them. For example, if I hold the belief that I’m not good enough, I can imagine the pain and regret of missed opportunities and a life unfulfilled due to this belief.
On the other hand, by associating pleasure with new beliefs, like viewing oneself as capable and deserving of success, we align these beliefs with positive outcomes. When we tie positive emotions, such as joy, excitement, or a sense of achievement, to our new beliefs, it reinforces neural pathways, making these beliefs stronger and more accessible. Think of creative ways to do that in your life.
4 – Step Out of Your Comfort Zone
“Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.” – Neale Donald Walsch
When your new beliefs take you to the edge of your comfort zone, your mind asks “Is this safe?,” “Is change worth the risk?” Take one step over the line to respond yes. Fear may arise. Be ready to respond with courage. You are telling yourself you are someone that has a vision strong enough to challenge old beliefs and live out of new ones. It will take a while for your nervous system to catch up.
It took many times raising my hand to take on a leadership task in a group filled with qualified men before my fear was edged out by gladness. But each time I did, I confirmed my identity as a strong, successful leader. That belief began to feel more true.
Consider what uncomfortable places you could allow your beliefs to take you. Maybe it is walking into the gym, learning a sport, speaking up to your boss, or sharing your unwanted attractions or negative habits with a friend.
5 – Get Vulnerable
Years ago, a new mentor sat across from me at a restaurant patio and asked if I’d been abused. He said that something I shared caused him to raise the question. I paused. Stating it out loud would make it real and shut the door on any fantasy that it wasn’t part of my life. But I would be able to stop holding my breath.
When I answered yes, my body both sighed and became alert at once. Nearby conversations muffled as I awaited his response. I had breached my comfort zone and stepped into vulnerability.
When he listened openly and validated my experience, I could no longer say I was alone. By sharing my abuse, I showed my strength. My belief that I was weak and separate from others had evidence stacked against it.
Over the years, I have developed relationships with people who confirm what is true and are faithful to walk beside me as I work to integrate new beliefs. I share my dreams, longings, and fears with them.
Vulnerability is hard, but it’s worth it. It is a gift for you and those who receive it. Surround yourself with people who affirm what is true about you and magnify your life of purpose and possibility.
6 – Honor Your Younger Self
Honoring your younger self can be a powerful and transformative practice when working on changing limiting beliefs. By acknowledging and validating the experiences and emotions of your younger self, you create a compassionate and understanding relationship with the past. This process helps to reduce self-criticism and judgment, allowing for a more open and accepting mindset. It fosters self-compassion, which is crucial for healing and growth.
Recognizing that the limiting beliefs were formed as a way to cope or make sense of the world at that time enables us to release any shame or guilt associated with them. Instead of seeing those beliefs as flaws, we can view them as protective mechanisms that once served a purpose. This shift in perspective makes it easier to let go of the old, unhelpful beliefs and embrace new, empowering ones.
Consider writing a letter to your younger self as a way to honor the part of you that needs encouragement and care. Read the letter I wrote to my younger self when he was confused by his dads behavior and feeling alone here.
Something Greater
The struggles we face with limiting beliefs and false narratives in our lives point to a greater spiritual battle that Christ has already won. In His love and sacrifice on the cross, Jesus dismantled the ultimate falsehood of sin and death, offering us freedom and truth.
If you find yourself burdened by limiting beliefs, consider turning to Christ, the author of truth and salvation. Embrace His victory and allow His love and truth to liberate you from the chains of falsehood, guiding you toward a life of purpose, freedom, and eternal hope.
Three Core Beliefs
As you can see, the beliefs we hold deeply influence our actions, perspectives, and overall well-being. I’d like to leave you with three core beliefs I believe significantly contribute to living a life of purpose and fulfillment:
- “I am complete in Christ.” This is a result of the transforming power of the gospel. While it is a concrete truth, I don’t always feel it or live like it is. God is gracious to remind me of it.
- “Life is happening for me, not to me.” This is a catchy version of what the Apostle Paul states in Romans 8: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” It transforms my obstacles into opportunities.
- “I can make a difference.” Belief in one’s ability to make an impact in the world through the power of Christ and for His kingdom fuels decisions in line with His will and our identity and purpose.
Remember, your beliefs are not set in stone. You have the power to reprogram your mind and create a life that genuinely reflects your potential. Know that God is for you and is in your corner. So am I.