It’s the shadow of a bedside toy looming as a monster on the wall.
It grows with time, exaggerates risk, fosters isolation, and veils your dreams. Left unchecked, it keeps you stuck. It has for me.
FEAR COSTS US
Sitting at my drafting table freshman year of architecture school, I stared at a blank sheet of paper with a pencil in hand. The second hand on my watch moved more than I did until I decided the supplies on my desk needed rearranging. I was stuck. Potential criticism paralyzed me, stunting my growth into the designer I aspired to be.
At a coffee shop, I sat across from a friend, watching him talk as the words in the back of my throat quickened my pulse. “I’m attracted to guys,” I said in my head, hoping he would hear me so I wouldn’t have to say the words. I clutched my mug when it was my turn to speak. “Not much,” I responded. “Keeping busy.” I heard myself go on about school until it was time to leave, then kicked myself for letting fear shortchange an opportunity for connection.
WHERE DOES FEAR COME FROM?
The universal trigger for fear is the threat of harm, real or imagined.
With my friend, I decided the pain of losing his friendship would be worse than the feeling of separateness my secret fueled. I allowed fear to stall the healing I wanted. Satan had been happy to hand me a lie and fear projected it to fill my view.
The story I created was that I would lose a friendship by sharing honestly. It would prove I’m not worth knowing deeply. I didn’t realize my fear was not of telling my secret, it was of what I decided would happen if I did. I didn’t have to obsess about my secret, I had to change my story.
WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT FEAR
In his letter to Timothy, Paul says “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.” Jesus is sympathetic toward our tendency towards fear and scripture is filled with encouragement towards faith.
Isaiah reminds us that we belong to a God who is faithful to keep His promises. “Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid.” God rescues us and fights for us. When we belong to God, we have nothing to fear.
My problem was that fear felt more real than God. I knew the feeling of fear, but not of the abiding love John references when he writes “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
LOVE THE FEAR
Fear is not the enemy. It’s your brain and body trying to protect you. From that perspective, you can appreciate and befriend it.
Thank your brain for watching out for you, but say to it, “I can take it from here.” Let it be a consultant, not a boss. Let fear flow through you rather than get lodged and block your progress.
MOVE FORWARD WITH PURPOSE
Consider fear an action signal that may or may not be grounded in truth. The best decision may be to redirect your course, but it may be your perception that needs to shift instead.
Below are strategies to move forward empowered.
Say to yourself, “I am safe to try.”
Don’t delay. Fear feeds on time. Psychiatrist Phil Stutz says that our confidence erodes the longer we wait to take action after we know what needs to be done.
Practice walking through smaller doors of fear to get in the habit of choosing faith. Your potential lives on the other side of your comfort zone.
Consider who you will pass through your fears for. Make it about something greater than yourself.
Rather than spend your energy fighting fear, use it to dissect the beliefs fueling it.
Decide how you want to feel and what you need to do to feel that way.
Watch your language. Swap “never” for “possibly.”
Use fear as a trigger for telling yourself an empowering story. My daughter learned in grammar school to say “I can do hard things.”
Relax your body. Put yourself in the position and state you are in when at peace and in faith. It will communicate to your brain that you are safe and capable.
Practice gratitude. Gratitude and fear can’t live in the same space.
Visualize yourself acting with love and acceptance rather than fear and resistance. Play out that picture in real life.
You only fear what is important to you. Let fear be a reminder you are a passionate person who wants what matters most.
Reverse the What If. Ask “What if I succeed?” rather than “What if I fail?”
FEAR AND SAME-SEX ATTRACTION
l have to give fear some credit for deterring me from acting on my attractions physically with men, which I don’t believe would have been in my best interest. But making that decision out of fear didn’t facilitate an expansive life. Gaining clarity on my identity, purpose, and goals and making a conscious decision aligned with them would have been life-giving. I allowed fear of my attractions to cloud the abundant life God had available for me.
What other fears and false beliefs did I have related to same-sex attraction? Plenty. Here are a few, each paired with a stronger statement.
Men may think I am too needy if they know of my attractions and trauma. I am needy. That’s okay. I didn’t get the attention, affirmation, and affection God intends for children to receive, but I can trust He is enough for me. God may use other men to meet those valid needs, but I can trust His timing and provision and not put undue pressure on relationships. I know I will grow over time and it will be a blessing to others to witness the growth God has in store for me.
I won’t be able to love a woman like she deserves. I will be able to love the woman God has for me.
Women will reject me when they discover my lack of confidence as a man. Life is about growth, no matter where I start my journey. Taking faithful steps in the direction of my goals is attractive.
I will be judged if I choose to live a gay lifestyle and judged if I don’t. I will be respected when I make difficult choices aligned with my values.
What if I am kidding myself and the cultural tide is right? I could miss out on something mysterious and amazing that the gay life has to offer. FOMO is real, but life is always a mixed bag. I can always focus on what I can give to others rather than what I can get from life.
I will be romantically or sexually attracted to a friend. Oh well. It will pass.
If someone rejects me I’ll be up a creek because I don’t have what it takes to make it in life. Being up a creek will be better than living in someone else’s shadow.
My desire for sexual activity and porn is stronger than I am. Nope. It’s just a sensation in my body.
If I show healthy affection towards a man, he will think I am gay. That’s okay. I have had the same thought about myself before but didn’t believe it.
I will be alone. I will only be alone if I push people away.
I was troubled by my attractions but paralyzed by my fear. When I voiced my attractions, was kind to them, and loved myself just as I was, I relaxed enough to see through the fog to the life I wanted. It was then that my attractions started to shift. I couldn’t be open to something new when I was wound up tight by fear.
Separate your attractions from your fear, your situation from your story, and the life you want from the life you have known. Take faithful action aligned with your true identity and meaningful pursuits and loosen your grip on fear.
Attraction is multifaceted. It comes in all shapes and sizes. By identifying the attractions we feel, we remind ourselves they are simply experiences. They do not define who we are. We can appreciate their messages and leverage them to grow.
During a recent workout, I sat up from the bench press and noticed a guy pass by in a sleeveless shirt. He had my body type but a larger build. “I bet if I continue lifting heavy, my shoulders will look like his,” I thought. Then I resumed my workout.
Was I attracted to him? Sure. I paid attention to him because he represented what was possible if I stuck to my fitness plan. I admired his dedication to strengthening his body. He was handsome. My body didn’t rev up seeing him, but I bet twenty years ago it would have. Either way would be fine. My body’s response wouldn’t have to mean something.
In my example above, I described several types of attraction. Let’s break down the most common. Some differences are subtle, but by distinguishing them we learn to identify our experiences and feelings, gaining power over them.
POSITIVE ATTRACTIONS
Admiration: a feeling of respect and approval towards someone or something.
I want to live my full potential and naturally seek out others with qualities I aspire to. Because I lacked a sense of masculinity when I was younger, I took notice of men who were strong, courageous, and gregarious. I admired how they defined their goals and pursued them, commanded a room, and used their physicality to live fully. I was motivated to model their behavior.
Pro tip: You already possess the seeds of what you admire in others within yourself. They are something to cultivate, not acquire.
Curiosity: a strong desire to know or learn something.
If man lacked curiosity, there would be no innovation. We are designed to seek the novel and unknown.
We can be curious about all kinds of things. What will happen if I push that red button? Is my body developing as fast as other guys? What would intimacy with another man be like?
Thoughts like those are normal, but they all require wisdom prior to action. Ask God what questions are worth exploring. Sideline the ones you’re unsure of. Accept a no answer as God’s protection.
Aesthetic Attraction: attraction to the beauty or pleasing appearance of another person.
There are many studies on why certain physical characteristics have more visual appeal than others. It can be influenced by factors such as cultural norms, personal preferences, and past experiences.
Take time to consider why you are drawn to certain characteristics of others.
Physical Attraction: the desire for physical contact outside of a sexual or romantic context.
Physical attraction is a built-in drive. Babies need to be cuddled, lovers need to embrace, and hurting people need to be held. Without a desire to be touched and cared for, humans wouldn’t flourish. It is a vital part of any type of relationship.
Affection is a key component of healthy development. If you lacked male affection growing up, you may desire it more than your current peers. That’s okay. Love the boy inside who needs it. Ask God for opportunities to receive affection and trust He will provide as you surrender your needs and desires to Him.
Know that our greatest need can be our greatest opportunity to connect with God. He is the source of benefit healthy affection provides.
Emotional Attraction: bonding or attraction based on personality, behavior, and emotional qualities.
Emotional attraction stems from a sincere interest in another person’s mental and emotional traits. It can grow and deepen over time and is often influenced by shared experiences, mutual interests, and understanding.
It is vital for close relationships, whether in friendships or romantic relationships, as it fosters intimacy, trust, and support. This can manifest in a desire to spend time with the person, a sense of comfort and safety in their presence, or a feeling of deep empathy or understanding.
Romantic Attraction: the desire to connect through emotional intimacy.
Think of romantic attraction as an emotional urge, while sexual attraction is a physical urge. When you’re romantically attracted to someone, you want to form a strong, perhaps even lifelong, emotional connection with them.
Sexual Attraction: the attraction an individual feels that causes them to desire sexual contact with another person.
As opposed to romantic attraction which I experienced towards both men and women, my sexual arousal template as a young adult was directed exclusively toward men.
I believe our Creator intended romantic and sexual relationships to be between a man and a woman, not to limit our sexual expression, but to allow us to flourish most fully. I didn’t understand how that would work for me, but I was willing to believe it was possible.
NEGATIVE ATTRACTIONS
Envy: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.
In The Soul of Desire, author Curt Thompson noted the source of envy is shame. Satan turns admiration sideways into envy when we tell ourselves we aren’t acceptable as we are. Admiration is meant to honor our current selves by pursuing growth, not condemn us by declaring we have come up short.
If you find yourself experiencing envy or jealousy, make it work for you. Ask productive questions. What admiration is envy masking that you can cultivate? Do you already possess some of what you are envious of? If so, how can you celebrate and grow it?
Lust: an intense desire for something, while already possessing a significant amount of it.
I have plenty of masculinity to bless others. I don’t need to steal it from other men. By grasping for it, I tell myself I don’t and never will have enough.
So what?
My goal is for you to have greater autonomy over your attractions. When you sit with a situation in your life and identify the types of attractions experienced, you choose to respond rather than react, returning the power to you.
Rather than your sensations and emotions running the show, you can learn from them, using curiosity rather than judgment. What are my valid needs? What do I already possess that I can cultivate? What characteristics of those I am attracted to can inspire me to improve so that I have more to give?
You possess great gifts. Ask God who you can bless with your power, passion, and strength today.
I have a vivid memory of my dad and me wrestling. He called it wrestling. I know now it was physical abuse. He would pin me down and tell me to break free. But with the same effort I used to push against him, he pressed equally as much and more. He continued urging me to fight. I would tighten my body and push with no effect, no longer enjoying it but wanting to please him, impress him, and keep at this masculine exercise he insisted all fathers and sons enjoyed.
But there was no relief and I finally let my spirit go. He chanted “C’mon,” but I was no longer there. My body was pinned on the floor. I was floating above it, looking down at this confounding activity and wondering if I had what it takes to be a man.
Satan used experiences such as that and sexual abuse to convince me that masculinity was something outside of me. He sent me on a wild goose chase to find it.
I would observe how other guys moved, talked, and interacted. I would adjust my mannerisms, interests, and language to craft a fragile shell of manhood, while the boy inside never grew up.
By the time adolescence hit, most guys were bored with each other. Girls emerging into their feminine beauty turned heads. Not mine. I was still trying to earn my man card, paying even more attention to these mysterious guys who saw the changes in their bodies and newfound sexual energy as empowering, rather than dangerous.
When my hormones kicked in, my focus remained on men, and my sex drive got wired to them. Needless to say, that didn’t help me feel like one of the guys.
Entering college, I had to fight harder to convince myself I could succeed. Thousands of people were in on a secret to living. I was peering in from outside. More than ever, I knew I wasn’t enough.
I recall sitting in fear and anxiety while my fine arts professor described our final project. I had a knot in my stomach as perfectionism and fear of rejection battled against my desire for creative expression.
Why am I unsettled? Why can’t I enjoy this?
I remember my eyes landing on a classmate I admired. His strong frame rested comfortably in his chair as he leaned back and stretched one leg in front of him.
If Aaron would be my friend, I wouldn’t have to be scared.
If he would look at me and smile, I would know I’m not alone.
If I had his confidence, I could enjoy any situation.
I zipped my backpack at the end of class and turned to see Aaron walking out the door. A surge of electricity passed through my body. I wanted to go with him. It was one of the strongest sensations I had ever felt.
Over the following days, the memory of that electric feeling grew larger. Fear and confusion mixed with excitement. More unquestioned thoughts fired at me.
This is not good.
Something is wrong with me.
Maybe I’m gay.
My mind was compelled to make meaning of the experience, telling me it was a problem, that I was separate from other men, and that my thoughts and sensations were reasons to question my identity. I wanted to run from them, pretend they didn’t exist, and go on with my life.
I would spend years avoiding my unwanted attractions, not realizing the action made them bigger. It was like holding a beach ball underwater. They became a force that drained my energy and inevitably popped back up. My compulsion for avoidance was not due to the attractions themselves, but to the meaning I gave them. They were a threat and they meant I was broken. Neither was true. They were just experiences.
I didn’t give myself to my classmate. Not out of motivation towards something better, but from fear of doing something wrong or being judged. I also had a gut sense that I would lose myself and not find my way back. I would live out of fear many more years before realizing it is no way to make a life.
While I didn’t engage physically with men, I did seek escape through pornography and masturbation. This hindered connection with God, myself, and others, and further cemented my arousal template toward the male image.
If I could sit down with my eighteen-year-old self that day after class, I would assure him that he is okay, he is seen, known, and loved by his Creator and by me, and he was having a human experience in a world that is not as it was meant to be.
I would tell him that thoughts, feelings, and sensations are not who he is and they are not facts. I would help him to look at the experience with curiosity rather than rush to judgment.
But I’m not sure he would have heard me. Just like the word of God I read on repeat since childhood had become merely text on a page, words from someone who cared may have fallen flat as well. My father didn’t have my back, and I didn’t believe God had my back either. Or if He did, He wasn’t powerful enough to help. The promises of God seemed far off compared to the intensity of my emotions and experiences.
Let me list some of God’s promises. It will be obvious to you they held the answers I was seeking to my fear, self-doubt, and anxiety, but they were lost on me.
God will sustain you. (Psalm 55:22)
God’s peace will guard your heart. (Philippians 4:7)
God delights over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
God will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. (Psalm 32:8)
God is your refuge and strength, your help in times of need. (Psalm 46:1)
In all things, you are more than a conqueror because God loves you. (Romans 8:37)
God will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
God’s perfect love casts out all your fear. (1 John 4:18)
Nothing can separate you from God’s love. (Romans 8:38-39)
We are God’s masterpiece. (Ephesians 2:10)
God is not finished with you. (Philippines 1:6)
I wish those truths had penetrated my defenses, but I continued doing life on my own. I tried harder to be a man. I tightened up my fists to white knuckle it through life and push down the destructive beliefs which felt so true.
It didn’t work.
My senior year I found myself in the emergency room. My obsession for control led to a manic episode and I nose-dived into a paralyzing depression. I finished college crawling out of bed each day, willing myself to eat and put one foot in front of the other when the only thing that made sense was to bury myself six feet underground.
I was exhausted.
This was not the state I envisioned being in when crossing the stage at graduation to start my life.
I wish I could say it was a wake-up call, but I just doubled down. If God could help me, I didn’t deserve it. I had to do penance for my manic behavior before I could hold my head up again.
I sidelined my obsession with manhood for efforts to stay safe at all costs. I never wanted to feel hopeless or out of control again.
But what you focus on becomes your reality. Three years later I pulled into the ER again.
This time, God provided a recovery program that would shed light on the effects of my abuse, and a mentor that had walked in my shoes. I shared my history, sins, and fears without rejection. I let down my guard to a man who was the face of Jesus to me and I am forever grateful.
I learned the power of vulnerability. I uncovered deeply held beliefs that were keeping me stuck. I got comfortable being uncomfortable. I forgave. God showed me a life beyond my imagination, where I would thrive, not just survive.
Jesus says whoever seeks to keep his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for His sake will find it. I had nothing to lose when I handed my life to Him. It was one of control, fear, and shame that paled in comparison to the riches He had in store for me.
I didn’t have to be some ideal version of myself or look away from my sinful self in disgust. I just had to be His. That is the gospel. If you haven’t surrendered your life to Him, I beg you to do so. I promise you won’t look back.
When I gained my footing in life, I felt led to focus on healing from same-sex attraction. I joined a local support group and found a community of men who understood my yearning for masculinity. Its power lifted.
I was able to share without shame that I had no desire to kiss a girl. Gross. When I voiced my obsessions, temptations, sin, and trauma, I was empowered. I was inspired by others whose sexuality God had redeemed.
I was consistently pointed to Jesus, supported to grow as a man of God in a safe environment, held accountable, and helped in navigating conflicting desires. And I changed. It was a magical time in my life.
One day during worship, a smartly dressed woman walked through the door whom I swear I had never seen before. In reality, she had been a regular in a baggy T-shirt on the back row. At that moment she became the only person in the room. She was beautiful and mysterious.
I had let go of striving and God blessed me with a desire I didn’t expect.
Our first date, my proposal, her response, our marriage, three beautiful kids God equipped me to raise, is a dream come true. But He is my greatest gift.
A life in Christ is not free from challenges. God used marriage to break me down and put me back together closer to His image. Losing my dad to suicide shook me. My career beckons me to sacrifice my faith and family. My kids drive me crazy. I am still tempted to trade the truth of God for lies.
And I don’t have what it takes. But I know He does.
I’m not worthy. He is.
I don’t know what future this life holds, but I know He has built a home for me in heaven. He invites you in as well.
Have negative thoughts snowballed on you? The more attention and influence I give them, the louder and more frequent they become. I get tuned in to them.
Here is an analogy I bring to mind when I get into a negative cycle. Picturing myself building the antennas I’ll describe motivates me to make better choices.
Imagine you are given two antennas. One is tuned to a frequency of faith, love, and connection. The other to fear, lack, and separateness. Your actions either build up the antennas or tear them down.
See how this can play out:
Sam, a man much like me, was invited to an axe-throwing event with guys from church. Bad idea, he thought. His throw would cut off an arm rather than split wood. Worse, his lack of masculinity would be exposed. No axe throwing tonight. A book at home would be fine.
Two pages in, sitting on his couch, Sam’s chest became heavy when he pictured the banter and pats on the back he declined. His apartment was silent and his shoulder was cold.
Sam recalled the warm glow of his computer when muscular guys were on the screen. His brain sparked and his body revved. He swapped the book for his laptop and was no longer alone.
He clicked away two hours before his cell phone pinged, “Sorry we missed you.”
Sam stared at the phone until well after the text disappeared. This is stupid, he told himself. I’m a loser.
He shut the laptop and performed his rote confession. He sank into bed, replayed his regrets, and allowed shame to cover him.
In Sam’s story, he extended his negatively tuned antenna when he declined his friend’s invitation out of fear. When he chose comfort through porn, he attached the antenna to the peak of his roof. When he entertained shame, he swapped it for a satellite dish.
Negative messages would come easier the next day because his actions that night agreed with these transmitted lies: I’ll be rejected if guys truly know me, porn has something to offer me, shaming myself is productive, God doesn’t want to meet me in my mess, and I can never change.
Throughout my life, God told me I had great worth and value, promised to provide for my every need, and offered freedom from fear, but I often didn’t get the message. My negative antenna was formidable. The one tuned to God was from a starter kit.
And I don’t know about you, but Satan likes to turn up the bass on the thoughts he aims at me. They reverberate in my body, making them feel even more true. What he has to offer isn’t as powerful as what God gives, so he has to turn up the volume.
But in the midst of strong feelings, when lies seem to be swimming around me, a simple step of faith, such as calling a friend for support, perks my ears to hear the still small voice of God. Going for a walk gets rid of some noise. Reading God’s word and conversing with Him gives me a direct feed to Truth.
Take back control. Be aware of the thoughts you are tuned to. Note the loud ones, the ones that rev your emotions. Listen for the faint ones. Hold all of them against the truth of God’s word.
Let what is true penetrate your mind and body and test your beliefs and impulses. Take action aligned with it. God’s voice will become more clear.
Picture your antennas. Choose actions that dismantle your negative antenna and build up your positive one. Every decision makes an impact. Live with intention.
Jon Gordon provides a great tool in his book, The One Truth. He outlines a straightforward method to tune into God’s frequency. T-U-N-E.
Trust and Truth
Unite with God
Neutralize the Negativity
Elevate Your Thinking
Visit these links to learn this tool and put it into practice:
Considering same-sex attraction, you will see its intensity diminish as you practice this. When you say no to dead-end desires and yes to what’s possible through Christ, you dismantle Satan’s megaphone and open up to receive from God.
Remember, you are in charge of your life, not the thoughts coming at you or the feelings that surely must be acted on.Let your next action tune you to God.
I want to live full out. That has been my desire and God’s design but often not my experience. When I honor and learn from both my healthy and unhealthy pursuits, I open myself up to experience more of the purpose-filled life God intended for me as His unique creation.
Playing Small
Looking back on my life, I can see Satan was trying to keep me playing small. He knew the potential God gave me for impacting His kingdom and he wasn’t a fan.
I discovered a love for writing as a child but didn’t get past the first few pages of a novel that was sure to be a gripping thriller, because I listened to a voice telling me I should be devoted to God’s work and not to writing fiction. But the voice wasn’t God’s. I have since fanned my passion for the written word and receive joy using it to share His message of transformation.
When I was primed to cross a finish line, I stopped short. I wasn’t someone who wins, wasn’t meant for the spotlight, and shouldn’t outpace runners who may be dejected by not snapping the ribbon themselves. Second place was my sweet spot. When God did call me to be in the spotlight for His glory, I had a steep learning curve.
When I found the courage to speak up, I kept quiet. The world was too crowded with voices and there wasn’t room for mine. Unfortunately, God’s voice spoken through me was muffled.
I avoided sharing the Good News because I was broken and risked losing my lifeline of other’s approval. I now know my brokenness is one of the greatest gifts I can present to others because it is wrapped in the grace of Christ.
My mind was quieter when I played small. The energy required to combat the negative thoughts and beliefs Satan lobbed at me as I wholly pursued a goal wasn’t worth the prize. I did want to be powerful, use my gifts, and live fully, but being a nice guy was easier.
A Rush of Purpose
And then Satan gave me a shortcut to that feeling of purposeful pursuit I longed for.
While in the place of muffled desires, I encountered same-sex attractions and pornography. Those feelings and images were intense. I got hooked. The dopamine rush from fantasizing and viewing porn gave me the physical sensations of focus, clarity, and calm I longed for.
But I had nothing to show for that pursuit.
Rather than shame myself for wasting time and looking to idols, I can appreciate my desire for the good feelings that result from purposeful action.
I can acknowledge my sin and reconnect through joyful confession with my Lord who looks on me with love and invites me to something greater, then talk to myself to redirect my desire toward meaningful pursuits.
Here is what that could look like:
Jason, I noticed you were driven when you were watching porn. You stayed up late and lost sleep pursuing the perfect video. You were able to tune out your fears, anxieties, and negative thoughts. Being in that state felt great, didn’t it?
I want to honor that desire in you to be all-in on something. God wants that for you. Ask Him for it and He will place the perfect pursuit before you. If he doesn’t remove the fear, anxiety, or negative thoughts. it’s because He wants you to hand them to Him each time they arise. You will see His face and He loves that.
If His direction is unclear, take time to uncover the passions inside you, check them against His word and counsel from others, then go for them with everything you’ve got. He will guide you as you go and perfect your course.
Beautiful Surrender
Do this exercise to activate your healthy passion:
Sit comfortably in a quiet place without distraction. Bring to mind a dream you’re drawn to pursue. Vividly imagine it. What are you doing? Who are you with? What is the setting? What are the milestone goals on the road toward success in your endeavor? Visualize yourself achieving each one of them.
How does it feel to go all-on with purpose on a mission bigger than yourself? Take it in. Picture meeting the highest level of achievement. How do you celebrate it? Who are you celebrating with?
Now for the best part. Surrender it to God. Open your hands and submit the pursuit to Him, in all its technicolor imagery. Give Him each goal, each sound, each smile, laugh, and cheer. Offer your hope, courage, talent, and determination. Look into His face, the radiance of love smiling on you. His love is a fire that burns off chaff, hardens steel, and hones your pursuits.
More and Better
Don’t hold back in your surrender. Jesus wants to give you more than you ask. He sees, hears, and knows you. He made you. He is for you.
The story in scripture of a leper bravely approaching Jesus with a desire to be healed illustrates this. Jesus saw his physical pain. He loved him and could have simply spoken healing, but saw beyond the man’s request to his deeper longing for connection.
The leper had knelt in pain, waiting and vulnerable, acutely aware of the stares from the distanced crowd. He watched Jesus step toward his sores and disfiguration and place His palm on his broken body. Everything fell away except the hand of Jesus on him.
The touch of Jesus trumped the leper’s desire for physical healing. He had pursued Jesus and was given a life beyond his imagination. Naturally, he couldn’t help but tell everyone about this man who had touched him.
Practice desiring Jesus above all. Imagine a future glory with Him and believe He has that for you now. You were created with a drive to pursue great things. Embrace it to live fully alive for Him.
When I discovered my same-sex attraction, I believed it was the nail in the coffin to achieving the masculinity I had dedicated time to study and model. SSA was a big “F” on my manliness report card. Removing it from my life was on my to-do list for being accepted and valued.
I focused on my attractions from a place of lack, fear, and shame. The obsessive attention I gave them took power away from me.
Ignoring them was equally disempowering. The feelings and sensations were significant. While they weren’t something to be alarmed by or fix, they did have a message for me. To shut the door on them would be denying reality and closing me off from an opportunity to grow.
Looking at my attractions from a place of self-acceptance, curiosity, courage, and faith put me on the offensive:
By allowing myself to sit in the grief that same-sex attraction was a reality for me, I learned to honor my emotions.
When I shared my experiences with someone I could trust, I learned the power of vulnerability. I was seen and loved.
Uncovering wounds and unmet needs with a counselor and recovery coaches brought healing and resilience. I could mourn the attention, affirmation, and affection I didn’t receive as a child, safely release my rage for abuses I endured, and enjoy the process of having my valid needs met through healthy relationships with other men.
Falling into the work of Christ on the cross kept me off the seesaw of pride and shame. I didn’t have to be some ideal version of myself as a man or lower my worth due to temptation or sin.
By walking into a room of men, intimidated, but believing I belonged there and that they were better off for my authentic presence, I communicated to myself that I didn’t have to wait for my man card to arrive to identify with, love, and serve other men who had their own unique stories and struggles. I had great value as a work in progress, which we all are.
Letting go of the need for my attractions to change freed me up to receive new attractions. After receiving many benefits from productively focusing on my unwanted desires, I decided I was ready to live beyond them. When I looked up, I found my head turning toward a woman whom I am now blessed to call my wife.
If you are viewing your same-sex attractions as an obstacle to detour, consider what author Ryan Holiday states in his book, The Obstacle is the Way: “The obstacle in the path becomes the path… and the only way you’ll do something spectacular is by using it all to your advantage.”
Don’t let your unwanted attractions own you. Leverage them to step into a life beyond your imagination.
In my last blog post, I described a day in which I first felt intense physical desire toward another man. My mind and body felt certain that acting on those desires would provide relief from my uncomfortable emotions of fear, self-doubt, and anxiety. I didn’t have the tools needed to hold those feelings lightly and examine them, nor had I wrestled with my underlying, everpresent question, “Am I enough?”, that I was hoping he would answer.
The idea that Aaron was my solution FELT so true it hardly seemed worth questioning. The promise of what was possible in him was worth the risk of rejection. I wanted to escape my unsettled state.
As humans, we seek pleasure and avoid pain. It’s hardwired. In many cases, that drive keeps us alive and flourishing. I naturally wanted to feel better. However, my solution would not have led to health and empowerment. My unmet needs were valid, but shifting my dependency toward something outside my control would have led to deeper levels of fear and anxiety.
I didn’t give myself to my classmate. Not out of motivation towards something better, but from fear of doing something wrong or being judged. I had a gut sense that I would lose myself and not find my way back. I would live out of fear for many more years before realizing it is no way to make a life.
Unraveling this desire to escape would require deep work. But what I needed at that moment was relief from my intense emotions. I needed clarity to make an empowered decision.
I discovered three powerful strategies to own your emotions:
1. VIEW UNCOMFORTABLE EMOTIONS AS GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES
If you tell yourself they are too much to handle, they will be, and you will be hindered from moving forward. Whether it feels true or not, say “These strong feelings are an opportunity for me to grow, and they have valuable insights for me.” Pre-decide that you are someone who views emotions as opportunities.
It is simple enough, but it is HARD. For me, it has felt as untrue as saying the sky is red. And I have gotten ANGRY saying it, believing I shouldn’t have to deal with the emotions in the first place. Say it anyway. It will put a point on your scoreboard of empowerment.
2. GET COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE
There are plenty of things you are capable of doing in an unsettled state. You can study, have a conversation, pay your bills, drive to work, and more. Maybe your focus won’t be as high as you would like, but life is doable. You don’t need to escape from uncomfortable emotions. It’s going to be okay. You can choose how you want to feel.
Most emotions pass within ninety seconds if our mind doesn’t attach to them. Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor stated “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”
We have more control over our states than we might think.
3. IDENTIFY YOUR EMOTIONS AND SENSATIONS
For me, this is the most powerful step. Here is how to do it:
Tell yourself that you are experiencing a strong emotion. It will reinforce the fact that it is outside of you and not pervasive.
Ground yourself. Sit up straight in a comfortable position. Notice your feet on the floor.
Breathe. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system. I like the box breathing method: breathe in four seconds, hold four seconds, breathe out four seconds, hold four seconds, and repeat.
Name the emotion. If there are multiple, pick one. Notice it and acknowledge it. Consider what event or trigger may have contributed to it.
Describe the physical feeling and where it is in your body. This stops your mental loops. A feeling is just a sensation in the body. A slight discomfort. Here is what this process looks like:
Ask yourself where you notice it. Is it in your chest, your shoulders, or your gut? Maybe the back of your neck is tight. Breathe into it. If your mind wanders, bring it back to the emotion and the sensation in your body.
You may notice the emotion starts to loosen its grip or fade. Or maybe it is getting stronger. Either way is okay. Just notice what it is doing. The goal is to get comfortable with it.
What else do you notice about the feeling? Is it fast or slow, hot or cold, tight or relaxed, heavy or light? Breathe into it again. Do you notice it going anywhere else? Is it dropping down or rising up? Is it a different emotion now?
What does it look like? If you gave it a color, what color would it be? Is it big or small? Does it have a message for you?
Thoughts and feelings must be expressed, otherwise they will get lodged in our bodies. This can sap our vitality, potentially resulting in emotional instability and illness. They also need to be experienced so we can train our brains to stop wanting to obsess. While the process is simple, that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
As you continue to own your emotions and redirect your desires, ask yourself: “What deeper need or value is my desire trying to fulfill?” “How can I meet that need in a way that aligns with my true self?”
Few people practice this. Give yourself a pat on the back when you do. You have taken control of your emotions. You have consciously decided to take your next action. You are more closely aligned with what you truly desire and value. Continue building this emotional muscle. What used to loom large will lose its power.
Below are a few daily practices to try out:
1. Journaling Exercise: Write about a time when you successfully redirected a strong desire and identify the emotions involved.
2. Daily Reflection: Reflect on your emotional state at the end of each day and how it influenced your desires.
3. Emotional Awareness: Practice identifying and naming your emotions throughout the day to increase emotional intelligence.
4. Visualization: Visualize yourself handling a situation where you redirect your desire, focusing on the emotions you wish to cultivate.
You are stronger than you think! Don’t let your emotions convince you otherwise.
For many years, I was on the defensive against my same-sex attractions and strong emotions.My desire to deny and avoid them kept me from being mindful of my thoughts and feelings surrounding them. I was blocking myself from two powerful tools that diminish their intensity:
1. Increase your awareness of what is running through your head and your heart.
2. Slow down long enough to take your thoughts captive and center your emotions.
Entering college, I didn’t believe I had what it takes to succeed. I wasn’t enough. I recall sitting in fear and anxiety while my fine arts professor described our final project. I had a knot in my stomach as perfectionism and fear of rejection fought against my desire for creative expression.
Why am I unsettled? Why can’t I enjoy this?
My eyes landed on a classmate that I admired. His strong frame rested comfortably in his chair as he leaned back and stretched one leg in front of him.
If Aaron would be my friend, then I wouldn’t have to be scared.
If he would look at me and smile, then I would know I’m not alone.
If I had his confidence, I could enjoy any situation.
I zipped my backpack at the end of class and turned to see Aaron walking out the door. A surge of electricity passed through my body. I wanted to go with him.
Over the next few days, the memory of that electric feeling grew larger in my mind. Fear and confusion mixed with excitement. More unquestioned thoughts fired at me:
This is not good.
Something is wrong with me.
Maybe I’m gay.
My mind was compelled to make meaning of the experience, telling me it was a problem, that I was separate from other people, and that my thoughts and sensations were reasons to question my identity. I wanted to run from them, pretend they hadn’t happened, and go on with my life.
I would spend years trying to avoid my attractions, not realizing the action made them bigger. But it was like holding a beach ball underwater. The sphere of thin, air-filled plastic would become a force that drained my energy and inevitably popped back up.
What I didn’t understand is that my compulsion for avoidance was not because of the attractions themselves, but because of the meaning I gave them. For someone who sees them as a blessing, an annoyance, or neutral, rather than a threat, they would respond differently.
If I could sit down with my eighteen-year-old self that day, I would assure him that he is okay, that he is seen, known, and loved by his Creator and by me, and that he was having a human experience in a world that is not as it was meant to be. I would tell him that thoughts, feelings, and sensations are not who he is and they are not facts. I would help him to look at the experience with curiosity rather than rush to a judgment, and avoid reacting long enough to identify the thoughts and meanings entering his mind.
It is easy for me to write that, but in reality, it is messy. The fog of emotions and compulsion to react prematurely can block our awareness of the thoughts preceding them. But trust me, it is worth sitting in that uncomfortable state. It gives you the power, rather than your thoughts and emotions. Stay there long enough to notice and question the sentences in your head, so that you can take them captive, as God directs us to do. Then, hold them up against the truth.
Lies keep serenity out of reach and close me off from growth and connection with others. Living out of the truth brings peace, clarity, and an openness to walk into my purpose and heal in community. Rather than a closed posture, focused on me, God’s truth and love from His church raises my gaze to accept life as it is and believe that the best is yet to come.
The truth is that the attractions I was experiencing were not a threat to my identity or worthiness to receive love. The Apostle Paul states in Romans that “neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:39 ESV)
Something was not wrong with me, but rather with the world. “For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.” (Romans 8:20-21 ESV)
And I wasn’t gay. I was a man who was experiencing attractions to other men. Now I know they were something I could observe, not something to define myself by. I didn’t have to follow anyone.
Whatever you are experiencing, my encouragement for you is to be willing to sit in the uncomfortable moments of life without rushing to act or creating distractions, be mindful of your thoughts and emotions, ask God and supportive people for help sorting truth from lies, and trust that He is what is best. You are worth it.
Problems standing in the way of achieving a goal need a solution. Your same-sex attractions, on the other hand, don’t need to be solved. They are just experiences you are having that can be observed and acknowledged, but don’t need to be acted on, circumvented, or taken apart.
It is easy for same-sex attractions to FEEL like a problem, because they can intensely impact our emotions and sex drives. At times they can feel all-encompassing. They may be annoying or inconvenient, but that doesn’t make them an obstacle.
The problem is in our THINKING about the attractions, and the meaning we give them. Our brains are wired to make meaning of our experiences, but they are often inaccurate. When we have strong sensations and feelings, our subconscious gets to work making sense of them, connecting dots that appear to match up, and creating conclusions in an effort to minimize dissonance. Know this is happening, but don’t let it drive your conscious thoughts and actions.
Notice what questions come to mind, because they give clues to the meaning your mind has crafted for the experience. If a question portrays same-sex attraction as a problem, change it to something more empowering. Swap “what do I need to do to fix this?” for “what are these attractions trying to tell me?” You may not get an answer at that moment, but you will be queuing your brain to look for growth opportunities.
Try out other questions as well to see which lead in empowering directions, like this one:
“How can I enjoy the process of living into my dreams while working through my same-sex attractions?”
This question communicates that your dreams are more powerful than your attractions, that the journey is more important than the destination, and that working through your same-sex attractions can be rewarding and even enjoyable. Questions like these take faith. They can be uncomfortable, because as humans we have a tendency toward familiar negative states that give us a false sense of safety.
Don’t waste your life solving problems that don’t need to be solved, or looking for answers to misleading questions. People can spend a lot of time seeking answers to questions that will not move them forward in their goals. We can be like mice, sprinting fast, not realizing we are running on the back of an elephant marching the opposite direction. Your questions direct your focus, and your focus directs your life.
Your attractions may simply be telling you that you desire to connect more with men, or that you see something in other men that you don’t believe you already possess. It could mean you are human, having a normal imperfect human experience in a world that is not as it was meant to be. You get to decide what meaning resonates with you. You don’t have to let your emotions or sexual urges tell you what is true.
And you don’t have to figure them out right now. You don’t even have to be sure if you want the feelings or not, or if they mean anything about your identity. It is enough just to notice the attractions. Know that feelings and sensations are not who you are, and they are not facts.Learn to look at the experience with curiosity rather than rush to a meaning.
Note that while the feelings and sensations of same-sex attraction are not a problem, they do often present actions in line with those feelings as a solution. If you experience that, take time to list what problems you think they might be trying to solve. Consider if they really are problems and if so, what other solutions are available. Remember, you are in charge.
When my draw toward men loomed large, it seemed like my mind and body were working overtime to convince me that connecting sexually with men would provide me with the comfort, confidence, security, and love I desired. But a deeper part of me knew that would not be the case. I saw those connections leading me to a black hole that would consume me, with my longings never satisfied.
I wanted something or someone I could count on to meet my needs and solve my real problems of disconnection, self-loathing, and shame. I knew the sexual actions I was drawn to weren’t the solution. Intellectually I knew that God was the only answer, but it would take time for that belief to be embedded within me.
I want you to know that how you respond to your attractions can be one of the most empowering things you do in life, leading to a greater understanding of yourself and a deeper relationship with God and others. Their presence is not evidence of weakness, but rather an opportunity to walk in your strength.They are not a problem. You are in the driver’s seat.
